November Dickhead!

It's December already?
Dickhead of The Year 2014 is almost over.
Boy do we have a year to be proud of.
Here's what happened last month!

Facebook Dickhead

Everyone knows a Dickhead that broadcasts his or her Dickhead thoughts via Facebook statuses.
The gang almost (ALMOST) felt bad nominating this guy, Rinza, 'cos, truth be told, they don't really know him that well.

Still, a Dickhead's a dickhead. And DOTY will hunt them down...

 

 

I know, right?
Dickhead.

Piff Friday Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang usually celebrate their weekends by hanging out on a Friday night, sharing a few bags of piff and passing round a bong. Often in between activities such as freestylin' rap bars, sippin' sambuca and watching bullshit on the internet.

When the crew DO write bars, one person usually doesn't get involved, Rich. It's not out of some self moral high ground or because he lacks the talent but purely because sometimes he thinks he lacks the talent. 

On this one particular Piff Friday, Chris tells media expert, Deeby, to get out his camera and record the night. It was to be a night of “Off the Top” lyrical maliciousness and misogyny, the sort to give Eminem a scare as he witnesses our lyrical phylogeny... and boy did it go well. 

Chris dropped 64 bars.
Deeby dropped 64 bars.
Chris was performing to the camera like a rap god. Deeby followed suit Everyone was hype, everyone was rapping and then... So did Rich... and he was amazing.

Deeby forgot to press record though. There were some special moments that night... and nobody else will ever know.

Dickhead.

Elf Dickhead

Half the Dickhead Gang decided to join a 6 a side football league. Rushed into giving the organisers a team name, Captain Rich declares that “We are to be called East London's Finest … But just type it in as E.L.F” he tells us (Not sure what was wrong with calling them “The Dickhead Gang”).

The night of the team's first game quickly arrives and it's at this point when the team fixtures and kick off times are finally published. Also at this point, the team names are up in flashing lights and on banners. Every league player got to feel pumped for the coming weeks and pride for the team they were representing. Confusion fell upon The Dickhead Gang though,when they found out that their team name was “Elf”.

Now not so pumped for the coming weeks or any pride for the team they were representing, the gang trudged onto the tournament as other teams laughed and joked. With a team name like “Elf”, they were surely not to be taken seriously. For the next three weeks, Rich heard a barrage of insults at his incapability to remember to put in full stops.

It wasn't until moments before this post was written that a few of the gang wanted to find out what the teams current position in the league was. Of course, their go to guy for info like this was Captain Rich. Problem was, when they asked, Rich was all like “I Dunno...”
“How do you not know? You're the manager, aint ya?” they asked.

“No.”
“Well who is then?”
“He is.” Rich answers, pointing at the only member of The Dickhead Gang yet to earn himself a Dickhead Nomination.

Meet Cons, Ladies and Gentlemen.

And he was happy to carry on letting Rich take the heat...

Ha. What a Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Last round of nominations in December.
Keep your eyes peeled.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #11: Dam Bitch! (Part 3)

Hold up! Have you read Part 1 and Part 2? Nah? Well click on those links then come back init. 

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

          You like to...

           MOVE IT

Chris was expecting this exact song to be blaring amongst a myriad of scantily clad women dancing in carnival-esque fashion as we entered the Red Light District. He was sorely disappointed.

Rich was in heaven so he lead the way. Chris and Deeby were discussing the similarity’s between their current activity to a trip to the zoo, the conversation drifted towards the contemporary state of feminism and whether men should feel emasculated buying shower gel marketed at women. Meanwhile...

“Rich, this is the third time you've brought us to this street?” Deeby pointed out.

“This is the tranny street, man!” Chris added “Why d'you keep bringing us here? Is there something you want to tell us.”
“Nah man, I just keep getting lost. All these streets look the same.” Rich argues.

“Yeah, alright.” The others thought.

Did you hear about Lisa? She had her appendix taken out. Now, she's only a prostitute on the side.

Deciding to soak in some Dutch culture, the next day was spent at the Van Gogh Museum.

They smoke a few zoots first, of course. On the 1^st floor now, Rich gets groggy.

“Nah man, I need to sit down.” Rich exclaims.
“You alright, mate?” Chris is concerned.
“Yeah, you guys go check out the paintings, I'm just gonna sit here for a second.”
Chris and Deeby circle the floor and come back only to see Rich in the middle of the gallery passed out. Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight,” Deeby clarified. “Should we help him?”
“He ain't goin' anywhere.”
“Yeah, we'll come back in a bit or in an hour or two.”

That night, the not so nail-biting Argentina Holland world cup semi-final was on. Rich hyped about how amazing it was that were going to watch a Holland football match whilst in Holland (even though he had already fallen asleep watching the Germany Brazil game on the previous night), it was one of his main reasons for being here. Totally into the spirit of things, Deeby buys a bright orange Holland jacket whilst Chris looks for a Dutch pub. A wave of fans dressed in all orange chant and cheer in optimism. It's kick off. The whistle blows and Rich yells...

“COME ON YOU ARGIES!! SHOW HOLLAND HOW IT'S DONE!”

Chris, Deeby and about 5 or 6 Dutch patriots all turn their heads at him.

Deeby shakes his head at Rich. Chris has his head in his hands.

“What?!” asks Rich, oblivious.

What Chris sees when he's on truffles.

A new day... which means new drugs.
Truffles, the local delicacy, happened to be on the menu on that "Beer in the Park" kind of day. An hour after consumption Deeby wasn't feeling anything so decided to buy a sandwich from a nearby shop, Rich was chillin' off a teeny buzz but Chris was going to town. Sat on the grass, legs crossed like he does yoga and palms hovering over the floor, gently brushing blades of grass. He smiles like he's found the meaning of life.

When Deeby returned, the pair were both on their phones. “Oi Phone Whores,” He called “Bored of each other already?”
“He's on his phone being anti-social and not enjoying his holiday,” Chris began “So I wrote a poem about it.”

Chris' Poem: Rich in Dam

Rich is in dam, but is he here.
Nah. Not it Dam.

“And Phone whore number 2. Whats your excuse?”
“Aww I'm tellin you man, it's one of them ones,” Rich whimpered “You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time. I'm still get irritating messages from my auntie about being in Amsterdam. Why do they keep talking about Bitter Gold?”

“That's Peak times for you, init!” Deeby laughs. Beep Beep.
“Uh oh. Phone whore number 3.” Rich notes.

“Oh shit.” Deeby's stunned at his text.

“What?” Chris asks.

“Just got a message from Wumz. “So Sorry Adeeb. I messed up. I let it slip to your mum that you smoke weed. So so sorry. Hope you don't get in too much trouble.”

A beat of silence is quickly interrupted by immense hysterical laughter from Chris and Rich. They're in tears.
Chris can't help but say it once more... “Dickhead of the year goes to...”

Dam Bitch!

Dickhead Anecdote #10: Dam Bitch! (Part 2)

Woah Woah Woah,  wait a minute. If you ain't read Part 1 yet, go read that first. Done? Good.
As you were...

“We've spent 30 minutes in Holland. 20 of those minutes have been sat outside this toilet.” Deeby noted.

“He's definitely taking a shit.” Chris added.

Rich finally steps out of the toilet. Chris and Deeby applaud him. Rich has his hands in the air and his head hung in shame as he admits “I couldn't go, man. That was a lot.”

Chris and Deeby decide its best not to ask what that means and leave the airport.

“It's this train... Yeah, I'm pretty sure, it's this one... And this stop. We get off here... And then we get on this tram... Yep, yep. I definitely recognise this place. Let's get off here...”

“What you getting you camera out for?” Rich protested.

“'Cos we're in Dam, Bitch!” Deeby replied.

“You're pissing me off, we ain't even found a hostel yet, we've been walking about in the rain for hours, I wanna put my bags down and you're taking pictures! Let's find a fucking hostel, man.”
It was an hour or four after Rich humorously lost his shit that the gang finally got settled and found a coffee shop to jam in.

I've got that shirt.

After a zoot and a chat with two bright American girls, the gang finally started to feel like they were on holiday. Not a moment after the girls had left... “Which one would you bang?!” Urges Rich.
It's a legitimate question, just not one that should be asked moments before you spend 20 mins in the bathroom.
“He's not taking another shit, is he?” Deeby asks “He took one earlier.”
Chris pulled his trademark face. It read “That's grim!”

Halfway through another zoot, Rich's phone buzzes. “Awww fuckin' 'ell!” cries Rich.
“What?”
“Just got another message from my auntie”
“So?”
“Brother Richard.” he began “We love you. We care for you. Keep the Devil at bay. May marijuana taste like Bitter Gold. Love auntie. What the fuck, man? I bet my mum told her to send me that. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time.”

“I hear that,” Deeby agreed “And what are you doing? You've been on your phone for ages.”

“I just wrote a poem.” Chris explained.
“What?”
“Yeah, bruv. Just wrote a poem.”
Rich and Deeby burst into laughter. Rich, the first to gather his thoughts, eloquently says... “You're fucked, mate.”

How have they scored so many goals? ...And why haven't I cut my hair yet?

“We get to watch the World Cup in a foreign land.” Rich was excited, this was half his reason for visiting Amsterdam in the first place. “Germany vs Brazil today. Argentina vs Holland tomorrow. Yeeeeeah boy!” With him building so much hype, it came as a massive surprise when at half time of the Germany/Brazil game (Germany being 5-0 up), Rich decides to pack it in and pass out! Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight.” Deeby clarified.

Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”

Chris' Poem: Poetry

Is a poem when you're high really a poem.
Perhaps instead it is a Vision. Into the soul.
Being high is like a poem.

Poetry. 

Dam Bitch!
Part 3 coming soon.

July Dickhead

Is it August already?!

Alright then.
Here are July's Dickheads.

Sister Dickhead

Dickhead Deeby with a Dickhead Desk

Dona is a well known social media dickhead. Snapchatting photo's of her feet, assuming Chris would be in China 'cos he posts a Picture the Great Wall on his facebook page and selfies. Bare selfies! #MirrorFlex. So partly to get back at her for being so digitally irritating and partly for shits and giggles, there's this thing The Dickhead Gang do. Every now and then Dona will post a selfie with her sister or one of her bae's or some shit. Then usually one of the boys will take the opportunity to get on her nerves with a simple comment...

“Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”

This usually sparks some "comment banter" with Dona saying something like “Take a hike, my sister would never stoop to your level, stop trying to add her on facebook, once is enough” etcetera etcetera...
Of course, this doesn't stop the dickheads from writing the above comment.
We must also inform you of Dona's height. Standing at a gigantic 4ft tall, people often tower a few heads higher than her when posing for pictures (even if she's wearing heels). I feel it must also be said that Dona is not a dwarf or a hobbit or anything, she just bare short.

So, when a new photo emerges on Facebook of Dona with a brand new bae towering two heads higher than her.... Deeby's natural response is “Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”
That day he was shot down as her reply was “My 14 year old baby sister.”

Awkward...

Airport Dickhead

“If we were to smuggle weed back from Amsterdam,” Rich began “This is how we'd do it.”
It had already been an eventful morning. We'd had to get up at 4:30 to catch our flight, we'd racked up a £20 parking ticket for a 5 minute stop and was held in the bagging area 'cos Rich had packed unnecessary bottles of liquids amongst other vital stuff such as protein shakes and exercising shit... cos you know, Rich is ripped to shreds.

Protein shakes blad!

Showing our passports as we board, you'd think they'd be topics of conversation to avoid. Anything about weapons, explosives and drugs... right? Well not if you're Rich.

A “warm up zoot” in the car on the way to the airport to get on a plane to amsterdam seemed apt. “Let's get this party started!” they thought. Now at the airport in front of the woman who looks at your passport to see if you're legit, Rich begins... “They don't keep security in that corner of the airport...”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“I don't even see any sniffer dogs either.”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“Aww mate,” Rich giggles. “I'm still high.”

Deeby passes the steward his passport and holds his head in his hands.

Who d'you think won this month? Comment below.

Also, keep your ear's peeled. A lot happened at the Netherlands.
Amsterdam Anecdotes coming soon.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead anecdote 8: Freshers

Freshers. A huge student night out. Everyone’s bought a ticket. It’s gonna be a MAD one.
You wouldn’t want to flop this kind of night out, would you? Well four Dickheads flopped left, right and centre. See how below:

Chris: No entry Dickhead

Pre-drinks for this kind of night out are a must... and they’re even better if you play a drinking game. The lads decide to play The Call of Duty (COD) drinking game. Here's the rules, a swig of beer every time you die, and two if you get stabbed. Unfortunately, Chris isn’t very good at the game…. He dies…. A LOT. 

Call of Duty: Classic Pissheads

POW, skip to a few hours later and Chris is excitedly jumping over one of the barriers to queue at the club. “You ain’t getting in, mate” says the bouncer. To make things worse, jumping the barrier wasn’t even necessary – Nobody was even in the queue yet! Dickhead!

Pao: KO’d Dickhead

Pao gets in to enjoy the night out, but not for very long! He gets into a fight he doesn’t even remember and is sent home in a taxi with a bloody nose. To this day he doesn’t remember what happened. Maybe he tried to move to someone’s girl? Maybe he spilt someone’s drink? Maybe he’s just a dickhead!

Bradley: Walking home Dickhead

Bradley notices that all his friends are gone! Chris didn’t get in and Pao disappeared, what’s the next logical thing to do? Go home. Walk. Why not? Makes sense. At least, it would if Bradley’s home was anywhere remotely near the club! This night out was in Hertfordshire and Bradley lives in London. Casually and drunkly walking along the motorway, Bradley truly believes he’ll get home. The police see him, stop him and escort him back to Pao’s house. Dickhead!

Meanwhile, Bradderz is like...

J: Window Dickhead

Props to J, he manages to stay in the club for the whole night. When it was clear Chris was never gonna get into the night of a lifetime, J gave Chris his home key. Of course, Chris decides to complicate matters by hitchhiking in someone else’s taxi and staying at another friend’s house. With Pao knocked out and unlikely to wake at the sound of a nuclear bomb and Bradley still experiencing his run in with the police, J is oblivious when he knocks on his front door as to why no one is answering.

J panics, how the hell is he going to get in? Simple: He jumps over the fence to the backyard, gets the ladder in the garden, climbs up to Pao’s window and….. REMOVES THE ENTIRE WINDOW. Literally, pulls the window out of it’s frame, climbs in and to goes to bed.

Yep, Pao sleeps through it all!

Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead aaaand Dickhead.

Dickhead out.

May Dickhead

Has May gone already?
Bugger me, it was an eventful month.
Five Dickhead nominations in all.
Read on then, init!

Attention Dickhead

Chris is on a night out, as usual. He spots a Pretty Young Thing (PYT) and her mate at the bar. Problem is, before he gets her attention some other dude already has and now he's surrounded by the PYT's group of friends.

“Allow it,” he thinks to himself. “No point complaining. Hi, I'm Chris.” He introduces himself to the PYT's friend. She's not butters, she's just not the PYT.

“I bet she gets a lot of attention” Chris comments. “Yeah, she does.” Says PYT sadly, clearly jealous of her friend, although happy to finally be getting some attention. Chris sympathises with her and carries on the conversation as she strokes his arm, plays with her hair and pouts; Sex oozing out of her every pore.

5 mins later Chris has disregarded her and is making out with the PYT.
Well done. Dickhead.

Phone Bill Dickhead

Deeby is explaining to Rich how much of a ting Chris has for asian girls. Who can blame him? We grew up in Tower Hamlets. To hammer his point home Deeby shows Rich a series of pictures all including Chris in a friendly pose with a Pretty Asian Thing (PAT).
“Ooh, that one's nice.” Rich says “Is he actually doing a ting with that girl?”

“Yeah alright!” Deeby argues “Don't act like you'll actually do something about it.”

“Nah man, I will.” Rich exclaims. He texts Chris and asks for her number.

“Lol” Chris replies, confident that this wont get anywhere. He sends him her number.

A week passes.
“You text her yet?” Ask's Chris.

“Nah man, I ain't got credit.” Say's Rich.

“Then, how are you texting me right now?”

Classic Rich.

Tinder Dickhead 

After getting battered at a game of Fifa, Rich asks Deeby. “Mate you heard of Tinder?” to which Deeby thinks to himself “He's not gone and downloaded Tinder, has he?”
Only he has. 'Cos put simply, he's more desperate than a fat kid at the back of the lunch que.

“I've not heard about it,” Deeby lies, “let's have a look.” Rich hands Deeby his phone.
“So what do you do?” Deeby asks. Rich spends the next 5 minutes pacing up and down the room explaining the app, it's uses and it's wondorous features, all without realising that Deeby hasn't bothered looking at a single profile but has, with a crazy trigger finger, pressed the “tick” button on dozens of profiles.

Deeby reckons he did Rich a favour. Rich reckons Deeby's a Dickhead.

Ibiza Dickhead

 

Chris, Bradley, Pao and some of their mates decide to go to Ibiza this summer, because why the fuck not? They plan months in advance, trying to get as many people on it as possible, 'cos the more the merrier... also the cheaper the accommodation!

Pao invites several of his uni friends, including some asian girls who humour the idea of going but each of them flop and each of them have terrible excuses.

• Asian girl #1 agrees to go with no issues but drops out last minute because she has no money

• Asian girl #2 will only go if Asian girl #3 goes

• Asian girl #3 says the same in reverse…..

These May or May not be said Asian Girls

Chris, Bradley and Pao give up on the idea of the asian girls ever coming and plan the holiday without them.

Months later when everything is pretty much finalised, including payments, Pao informs Chris and Bradley that the asian girls have decided to go to Ibiza….. but not with them!

“Wait, at the same time as us?” Chris asks

“Surely not. That would be the ultimate par” exclaims Bradley.

Turns out they ARE going at the same time, but just leaving one day earlier. Chris, Pao, Bradley and everyone else paid extra for accommodation for nothing!

“Absolute Dickheads!” Bradley responds when the par is confirmed.

3 Months in a row Dickhead 

Chris has OFFICIALLY become the first Dickhead to be nominated for 3 months in a row.
That in itself deserves a Dickhead nomination.
'Cos he's a Dickhead... Dickhead.

Who d'you think oughta win this month?

April Dickhead!

April's over.

Four nominations?
What can I say? Dickheads will be Dickheads.

Here's what's happened...

Betting Dickhead #1

Dona's getting nominated for betting Deeby that he could never get with her sister.

Are you serious, Dona? Did you actually just pimp out your sister?

Click here for full size

Evidence is literally written in the WhatsApp chat above. Dickhead. Next. 

Vomiting in a playground Dickhead

Chris and Deeby are on their way home from Brick Lane feeling pretty waved after a few drinks, and take a detour through a children’s park on the way home.

These parks are designed for kids to play on, not for Dickheads to jam in, but being said Dickheads, Chris and Deeby decide to have a go on the swings!

They’re still buzzed right now….. maybe too buzzed, and it isn’t long before Deeby vomits all over the swings. You can only imagine the shock that the children and parents who came to this park the next day received! Dickhead!

Betting Dickhead #2

Rich isn’t very subtle when it comes to girls. Heck he isn’t very subtle when it comes to anything. He did THIS! Anyway, there just happens to be a female friend of the group who Rich is constantly talking about getting with, so much so that he actually BET Chris Ten Grand that he could get with said female friend within the next two years.

We won’t reveal who this is for the sake of the bet, but Chris and Deeby consider the chances of Rich actually getting with this girl ridiculously low. So much so that Chris considers himself to have already won Ten Grand and asks Deeby if he wants to tour the USA with Rich’s Ten Grand in two years.

The worse thing about this is that Rich probably won’t even pay up when he loses! You just might be in for a chance of winning both DOTY2014 and DOTY2016 at this rate Rich! Dickhead.

Yellow Bitch Dickhead

There's a game that Deeby and Bradderz often play called “Yellow Car”.
Rules are simple. You spot a yellow car, lightly jab your opponent and state “Yellow Car” whilst pointing at it.

There's a popular term amongst world famous gangsta rappers and the like. “Bitches”.
“Bad Bitch” is a term used to describe a woman who is good. “Basic Bitch” is a term used to describe a girl who likes One Direction, Gossip Girl and other basic shit. Bitch means woman.
We don't condone the use of such a word. But we use it 'cos were dickheads.

Chris isn't very good at Yellow Car. The gang were in the middle of a game once when Chris in annoyance pointed at a woman in a yellow raincoat and jabbed Deeby saying quite basically “Yellow Bitch”.

Then he saw another woman holding a yellow umbrella and jabbed Deeby. "Yellow Bitch!" he said.
Then he saw a Korean woman... Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

THE DICKHEAD GANG - Free EP Now Here

It's here.
The DHG present to you...
A J.W.A Production...
DOTY's first music release.

FREE DOWNLOAD HERE

The Dickhead Gang - Album Artwork

Be the first to listen and download.

Dickhead Anecdote #6 :: Wanna jam at mine?

Rich and Wills are best mates that still have trouble finding each other's houses. Once upon a time Wills was living in a place so dark and corrupted it inspired this meme.

One regular saturday morning, Wills rings up Rich. “Wanna jam at mine?” he asks “We can play Fifa, Call of Duty and watch football.”
Rich obliges, “Sure. Little problem though. I can't remember where you live init.”

“How?” Wills argues. “We've been mates for over ten years.”

“Err, yeah I know. But still, it's one of them ones, init. You live in Hackney.” Rich has a point.

Wills gives in. “Alright how about I meet you somewhere you know and I'll walk you to mine as usual.”

“Safe.” say's Rich.

As planned, Wills walks ten minutes to their rendezvous. Outside a strip club on Bethnal Green. Rich isn't there.
Ring Ring.

Wills is irritated. “Oi Rich. Where are you?”

Rich's excuse, “I can't remember where that strip club is, you know. I'm lost.”

“How? There's a woman on a pole in big neon lights. How do you not see it?”

“I see the underground station.”
“The underground station? You're ages away. Alright wait there! I'll walk over then we'll jam at mine.”

“Safe.” say's Rich.

As planned, Wills walks another ten minutes to the Underground Station.

Rich isn't there.

Ring Ring.

Wills is mad. “Oi Rich. Where are you?”

Rich's excuse, “I left my controller at home init. So I figured I'd go home, pick it up and meet you at the station. I didn't think you'd get there before me.”

“Well, I am.” Wills argues.

“Alright, I tell you what. I just picked up my controller. Meet me at Sainsbury's. I wanna pick up some snacks for when we jam at yours.”

Wills sighs, “Alright.”

“Safe.” say's Rich.

As planned, Wills walks another ten minutes to Sainsbury's.

Rich isn't there.

Ring Ring.

Wills is fuming. “Oi Rich. Where are you?”

Rich's excuse, “Mate, my cat climbed onto the top of the fridge. The bastard knocked a glass bottle full of vinegar onto the floor. I gotta clean this shit up 'cos it stinks.” (It didn't)

“What?!” Wills can't believe it.

“You know I only live round the corner. I'll be there in a minute.”

Wills vexed, exclaims. “FINE!”

“Safe.” say's Rich.

Knock Knock.

Wills is at Rich's front door.

Rich answers, still wearing tracksuit bottoms.

Wills is livid. “What the hell are you doing?”

“What are you doing? I thought we were goin' yours. How long was that walk?”

“I dunno, mate. Fucking ages.” Wills screams.

There's an awkward pause that Rich feels the need to fill.

“Wanna jam at mine?”

Wills shakes his head in disappointment. Classic Rich.

Dickhead out.

THE DICKHEAD GANG

'AY!
BIG NEWS Y'ALL!!!

You know us lot, yeah? The Dickhead Gang, yeah? Yeah us, yeah?
Well a couple of us have only gone and decided to become rappers. Made a little 3 track EP over the weekend.

Look here's the album artwork to prove it.

Click image to see enlarged.

Keep your ears open.
Available to download FREE soon.


Dickhead out.

March Dickhead!

 

Shit me! It's April already!

Alright, 2 major Dickhead moments over the last Month...
Including one BRAND NEW PARTICIPANT!

Akramming Dickhead

Chris, The legend that he is, had grown accustomed to the life he chose, that of a Dickhead; The Dickhead Way of Life. This lifestyle includes going to the smoking area and telling people to quit, Bowling and Akramming!

For 4 weekends in a row (Last weekend of February included), Chris has been hitting a party or doing some sort of mad night out. At every single party he's managed to Akram some girl, including a 3 hour session at house party for Deeby's birthday (Mind you, he was wasted, she was wasted and they enjoyed a snog afterwards).

Bradderz's birthday now, and the boys hit a club in Angel to celebrate. Before the night ensues Deeby vows to akram some girl in celebration of Chris' achievement. Chris vows not to akram any girl on that night.

Deeby successfully akrams a girl. As does Chris, Twice. Dickhead.

Racist Dickhead

Meet J-man! The latest dickhead to grace the DOTY page.

This brown man is a racist.

He made a video (Starring our very own Rich and Bradderz) at Deeby's birthday.

(For the time being you can only see this video via the DOTY facebook page by clicking HERE. Will change this as soon as we can.)

For your information, anyone who starts a conversation with the words "I don't want to be racist..." is about to be racist and is a racist.

Who do you think is this months champion?

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #5 :: You Akrammed the Wrong Girl!

Before you read this blog post, you need to know what Akramming is (Definition HERE).
Nah, for real, read it! I'll give you a second...

You done? Good.

So Aks, Chris and Jack are on a night out, and as usual Aks sees a girl he wants to move to. Aks sneaks up behind her, just about to land his signature Akramming technique on her behind. She turns around, looks Aks directly in the eye.

“KAWKAW”

Aks looks bewildered, unsure what just happened. 

Dickhead Bird

“KAWKAW” the girl says once again as she starts to circle around him and squat. The girls friend is also there, and joins in, much to the amusement of Chris and Jack…. who find it so funny that they also join in.

Now Aks is standing in the centre of the four of these people, who are making bird noises and doing the weirdest dance ever around him!

Failing an Akram is usually a simple process – you simply walk away and draw as little attention to yourself as possible. Not this time!

Dickhead out.

February Dickhead!

February is over. The Dickhead of the Year nominations for this month are in... And they're all NEW!

Availability Dickhead

Meet Kristina, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Kristina's known the honourable members of The Dickhead Gang since way before the idea of DOTY ever existed. That's a long time. Unfortunately, she doesn't quite often see the crew. It isn't for a lack of trying.

It's the first few days of February, Kristina broadcasts a message to her companions. She explains a sad truth. A truth that is quite often mentioned by differing members of the group.

“Hey, we haven't seen each other in ages.
No, really. I don't think I remember the last time I saw you guys.
We should do something soon, seriously.”

The rest of the group see no quarrel with her statement. So Chris replies saying...

“I've invited you to bare things. You organise it this time.”

Kristina replies...

“Ok cool. I can't do this month but I am free next month?”

Next Month?

NEXT MONTH?!

Who does that? Who sends out a group message, begs to see her friends, gets the opportunity to organise an event, than stalls for a month? How badly did she wanna see her friends?

Lets not rip into her entirely. There must be a legit reason for being too busy to spare one evening out of a month.
She might be a secret agent? She might be batman? She might just be a Dickhead.

Our money's on the latter.

Birthday Dickhead

Meet Dona, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Like Kristina, she's a friend that Chris and Aks have known since secondary school (high school for our American audience), and who they've kept in touch with during University, usually seeing her for her birthday each year.

Just to clarify, Dona lives in a fairly strict asian family. She doesn't go clubbing, and she turns down almost any night out she's invited to.

So Dona's birthday comes up in early Feb and she decides to send a text out telling us to keep Saturday free incase she does something for it.

Saturday comes up..... nothing happens.

Aks decides to text her “what's happening?'.

“aww dw” she replies.

Chris (unaware of Aks' text) texts Dona the next day and says “lol what happened?”

They have a conversation, and it turns out Dona DID do something for her birthday with her Uni friends.

Not only that but she went on a night out with them!

Par. This is a girl they've known for almost ten years!

So not only did she par everyone by inviting them, and then uninviting them for her Uni friends, but she did the one activity she claims never to do!

Diiicccccckheeeeead!

Snapchat Dickheads

Meet Pao, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Pao, like Kristina and Dona, has known the honourable members of The Dickhead Gang since secondary school. He is also a keen user of the popular smart phone app, SnapChat.

To be fair, he's not quite as bad as Dona, who also send ridiculous, pointless and just plain stupid Snapchats. As a result, Dona has been nominated twice this month.

The image below is compilation of their snapchats. The members of the Dickhead gang felt that it was unfair that they be the only people to feast their eyes on such pointless images.

Click HERE for enlarged image.

Who do YOU think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #3 :: Spilling Drinks

So Chris and Aks are on a night out in central, going H.A.M. to Jay-z songs as you do.
Some drunk guy notices this and starts talking to them, saying he had only just turned 18 and he hadn't been clubbing much.
Most people might have told him to go away, but Chris and Aks are drunk and social dickheads.
After they said they were in final year of Uni and had been doing this for three years he was amazed.
"What a weird kid" they thought.
Then he asked them how to talk to girls. Again, most people would have told him to go away. Not Chris and Aks.

"Challenge accepted" they thought as they walked over to a table with two girls.
Chris sat down and just as he opened his mouth to talk... it happened.
Aks attempts to sit down. Either due to clumsiness or drunkeness, he bumps the table and spills both girl's drinks.
Disaster! Even the kid who asked them how to talk to girls had disappeared.
There's no coming back from this one.

"Crying over spilt milk? No. Get the pussy a drink!"

...BUT THERE IS.
"I'll buy you new ones" Aks says, leaving Chris with the girls.

Somehow it actually started to go well. They didn't seem pissed, probably due to Aks' promise. The conversation was going well.
Being the dickhead he is, Chris was at that point, deciding which of them he'd move to and which Aks could take.
Little did Chris know what was about to happen!

At the bar, Aks asks how much the drinks are.
"What?!" Aks says after hearing the price. "Nah it's ok" he says after the bartender repeats the price of the over-expensive drinks.
This is probably where we should mention, Chris' phone had died earlier that night. iPhone battery life is not the one!
Anyway, wanting to avoid an awkward situation Aks texts Chris these exact words...
 

"Allow the drink prices, let's go".

Of course, Chris has no way of receiving this text.
After about 20 minutes of waiting around Aks comes to his senses and walks over to the table. Confidently (and probably not even sorry), he says...

"I don't have any money...."

Aks doesn't have any money.

The girls look pissed. All potential chance of getting with them is gone. Immediately Chris stands and leaves. Aks follows swiftly.
Neither look back... because, well, there's no coming back from this one.

Well done Aks!

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #2 :: Are you gonna bang doe?

Night out. 3rd night in a row.
Why? 'Cos you're a dickhead.
Let's not lie to ourselves, regular human beings don't do that.

By the third night, you'd wanna try and make things a bit more interesting for yourself, right? What do you do? Invite more friends out? Take a girly home for the night? Party all night and watch the sun rise?

Not if you're Deeby or Chris.

Chris: Let's go to the smoking area.
Deeby: Why? We don't smoke.
Chris: We could start our own Anti-Smoking Campaign.
Deeby: Yeah, that's a good idea.

Think you look sexy?... No. Lung cancer.

Without the thumping music it seems that everyone can hear each other a little clearer. Chris overhears a couple arguing over something minuscule.  The saint that he is, he decides to defuse the situation...

Chris: Listen yeah!! You ain't gonna bang her. She ain't gonna bang you. You ain't gonna bang him and he ain't gonna bang you.

They stare at him, stumped. Chris continues...

Chris: Are you gonna bang, though?!

The couple look at their company, seething. They walk in opposite directions.

MEANWHILE...

A young lad approaches Deeby.

Young Lad: Excuse me, mate. You a got a lighter for me fag?

Deeby looks at the young lad and shakes his head disapprovingly.

Deeby: Nah man, smoking's bad for you. You shouldn't smoke.

Dickheads.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #1

On a night out Chris see's a girl wearing a French Beret.

He walks across the room and says to her...

“Are you French or a hipster?”

She replies,

“I'm Lebanese”

Chris say's...

“Oh.”

...And walks away.

Reminiscing the awkward event later on, Chris talks of his experience saying...

“I literally had nothing to say to her unless she was French or a Hipster.

The Lebanese thing was so unexpected that I just walked off.”

Well done, Chris.

Dickhead out.