AUGUST DICKHEAD (Part 1)

Yeah, you read that right.
So much dickhead shit went down in August.
Which means we're doin' these blogs in parts.
 

Dickhead Photographer

It was a classic dickhead “Beer in the park” kind of day. Drinks, girls and a football. Summer in London is gorgeous. It was in that moment that life was made. Sat in a circle in the middle of the park, the crew ate drank and got merry. A little too merry maybe.

Note: Never google "Voyeur Photography"

Sat on the floor with his elbows rested on his knees and his phone in his hands, Rich was quiet. One would assume he was just sending a text.
FLASH. FLASH.

The back of the phone was pointed at Nads. She had to ask. “Dude, did you just take a picture of me?”

''Err no.” Rich denied quickly

“Liar.” Cons confirmed even quicker.

“Everyone just saw you, bro” Deeby added.
Rich quickly takes another photo.
“It was a picture of The Instigator.” Rich shows him.
“Sorry Rich, not foolin' me.”

“It was for snapchat.” Rich argued.

“Oh we all know it was for the wank bank.”

Nads shuddered, “Errr Thanks, Deeby.”

Then there was a pause.

“Well, this is awkward.” Adam added, “Nomination?”

Read our minds.

Dickhead Dona... Again.

Dropped your Ice Cream?

So like this occasion and this occasion Dona attempted to organise a catch up with the crew. Conscience of the fact that she might end up being nominated if she screwed up, she was determined to prove to everyone that she CAN organise a simple meet up and that deep down, she really DOES care about her friends.

Only... It finally hits 4:00 on that sunny august Saturday and she never got round to inviting Aks 'cos she'd assumed that Deeby would do it since they're brothers. Aware of her tendencies to take the lazy way out, Deeby says “No. You're doing this. 'Cos you're a man.” She's not... for the record.

Outside the Ice Cream place is Chris and Pao. Deeby never turned up, he got the feeling Dona would flop. Dona wasn't there. She was mad late.

Chris had sat in silence shooting Dona evils over his bowl of melted Ice Cream. Getting uncomfortable, she chose to engage in small talk. 

“You haven't touched your food.”
“How are you gonna be an hour late for an event YOU organised?” Chris flipped.

“Oh c'mon, I said I'm sorry already.”

“This happens too often, Dona. There's gotta be a line somewhere.” Pao was good cop.

Dona gandered at her watch and sighed. “I wish I could make it up to you but I gotta go.”
“WHAT?!” Chris flipped, “You just got here.”

“I have to be a party to be at.” Dona implored.

“That explains why your face is powdered in make up and why you were late.” Pao noted.

“PARTY?! This IS your party.”

“There's only three of us, dude.” Pao added.

Dona stood to leave, clasped her hand on his chin, glanced at him through her sad eyes, eyes that said “I'm sorry.”

Chris looked deep into her eyes, to him her eyes read “Suck my dick.” She's not got one... for the record.

...And then she left. Dickhead.

“This your drink?” Dickhead

Drink Responsibly.

Wanda and Chlo have rolled with the gang on many occasions. They know how the Dickheads roll. Bad behaviour gets you named and shamed. Nonetheless, she saw the opportunity and she took it.

Deeby's yard was rammed. Successful house party.

Those who make it past 3am are usually faced with an unfortunate realisation.

“This beer yours?” Wanda asks the nearest stranger. He shakes his head. “Beer? This anyone's beer?” Ignored, she shrugs and reaches for the bottle opener.

“If you're gonna get a white wine get a Moscato, It'd be perfect for a time like this.” Adam, the Dickhead's wine connoisseur was educating Chlo. “You said you like fruity wine, right?”

“Yeah. Is it sweet?” Chlo was interested.

“Sometimes. It's more Musky.”

“Whoever's Hennessey’s this is... I'm nicking a bit.. Is that OK?” Wanda didn't get a reply. “Awesome, thanks.”

“Are you supposed to have it with food?”
“Actually, it doesn't pair well with food,” Adam informed “Which is why I like it. Just drink and get fucked.”

“You're very cultured, aren't you?” Adam blushes and accepts the compliment. “So what's that you're drinking now?” Chlo wonders.

“Lambrini.”

Wanda see a little bottle of red on the kitchen counter. She picks it up, raises it in the air and opens her mouth to make an announcement. It's clear no one is going to pay her attention. “Fuck it.” She thinks to herself. “I'm drinking from the bottle.”

“I cant believe I finished my drinks already?” Chlo wondered. “I could have sworn I had more.”

Sufficiently inebriated, she decides to stop complaining.

“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” Wanda butts in.

“There's my wine!” Chlo shouts in shock, loud enough for most people to hear over the music.

The drunk crowd “Oooh” and “Aaaah” like a live audience out of a sitcom in an attempt to add fuel to the fire.

“But... but.. I've been drinking everyone's drink.”

The drunk crowd “Aww” and “Boo” like they were watching a pantomime. Adam shakes his head at her... “Don't admit it, you Dickhead.”

Nominated.

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled.
Part 2 coming soon.

Dickhead out.

JUNE DICKHEAD

 Is it July, yeah?
The Dickheads are supposed to be in Amsterdam this month.
Well, until August. Here's what happened in June...

Stick Fight Dickhead

It's that beer in the park kind of day and the Dickheads are chillin' by the lake. Kai picked up a stick. It's about 60cm tall and an inch in diameter, brown and hails from a chopped down tree near Canary Wharf.

Gandalf be like "I got the Magic Stick!"

“Oi C'mon on then. I'll take on any of you mans init.” He exclaimed.

The instigator scans the floor real quick and finds his weapon.

“Alright then. Let's go, you Dunce!” The instigator was ready.

“On three,” Umpire Cons declared. “1... 2...” Swing. Crack. Well, that was quick. The instigator was terminated. His stick, obliterated.

“I'm next.” Competitive Cons leapt to his feet and studied the edge of the lake. There was a variety of sticks and it quickly became obvious The Instigator's didn't spend enough time looking for a decent stick.

Kai's next contender was the branch of a young Beech tree, commonly found in and around London but most prominent in St Paul; They are well known for their skin like smooth bark making them difficult to chip. Smart choice, Competitive Cons. “On three!” ditto'd Deeby, “1... 2...” Swing.

“You're shit!” Deeby wasn't very good at consolation, “Go on then, I'll batter you!”

Deeby was Cardiff stick fight champion of 2013. His stick was a one and half metre branch called MoonWhisper and for all you stat fans, it remained undefeated for a whopping 12 fights before J-man snapped it with his knee and called Deeby gay for naming it.

“On three, then?” The Instigator started the countdown. “1... 2...” Smack.
Both sticks survived the first hit.

“Round two,” the Instigator persevered, “1... 2...” Crack. They both swore they could've heard some damage but both sticks looked perfectly intact. This suddenly got very interesting.

“Again. 1... 2...” SHNAP!! It was now in two. One half in his hands, the other half on the floor.

“Here. Hold the stick of a real champion.”
Deeby grabbed it and threw it in the lake.
Kai called him a sore loser.
We call him a Dickhead.

AirBnB Dickheads

Now you might remember last year; Chris was on a roll being a Dickhead in Amsterdam. He wrote a poem about poetry after getting high (Read here). 

Trying to get The Dickhead Gang to organise a lads do took blood, sweat and tears but they were using WhatsApp. Looking for an apartment, Deeby finds an MTV Cribs-like mansion in Dam Central. 10 Beds, Balconies overlooking the city and a jacuzzi. A fucking Jacuzzi.
“Costs an arm and a leg but who doesn't want a Jacuzzi?” Deeby thought, “I'm bookin' it!” And so he put down the deposit.

“Aww, you done all that?” Kai complained.
“What?!” Deeby retorted.

“Costs an arm and a leg, don't it?!”

Their flight was in four days and the gang were still having hang ups about where to sleep.

The Instigator saved the day. He found the gang a different MTV Cribs-like apartment. Maybe not as many beds but there were extra sofa's and the gang agreed, without him knowing, that they looked like the perfect size for Rich.

To save himself from looking like a complete tosser, The instigator thought it'd be best to show the apartment to the gang, with all it's grandeur panache and grandeur prices, BEFORE putting down a deposit.

“Bruh, that's kinda cheap, you know.” Rich noted.

“Yeah. And those rooms are immense.” Cons added.

“Air BnB are legit too,” Chris said, “I think you should get it.”

“Sweet,” The Instigator thought, “Deeby?”

“But.... But the jacuzzi, Bro.” Deeby sobbed.

“No one wants a jacuzzi, man.”

“Fine,” Deeby deflated. “Lets stay at this place.”

The Instigator took charge, he spoke with a friendly girl named Erika and everyone sent him their money.

Then they never heard from Erika again.

“If it's too good to be true, it probably is.” says The Dickhead Gangs Independent Adjudicator.
Dickheads lost a Jacuzzi.
They're all Nominated.

Cut Out Dickhead

Now you might remember last year; Rich was on a roll being a Dickhead in Amsterdam. He missed London so much he started fantasizing about the Queen (Swear down).

Trying to get The Dickhead Gang to organise a lads do took blood, sweat and tears.

A night before the flight Rich Cut Out.

“Aww, you done all that?”

Dickhead!!

Who d'you think's the biggest Dickhead this month?

APRIL DICKHEAD

 

May Already?!
Aight... April nominations.

What d'ya think?

Dickhead Rappers

Deeby was chilin at Chris' when he's Wii U decided to fuck up and forced them to go outside and reap the benefits of that sunny "Beer in the Park" kinda day.

Living in and around Brick Lane has it's perks. Decent curry to start the night, booze up in a bar and hot girls every day. But like Deeby always says... “Fuck Brick Lane on a weekend.” 

"This beard is different 'cos it's mine."

“Original” Bearded hipsters swarm, bare tourists make it impossible to walk through the place and there's always some Dickhead with a stack of CD's tryna sell a mixtape. Heart warming smile from ear to ear, open and welcoming body language, no facial hair... Manipulative prick.

“Ay! Yo! Brudda...!”

It's awkward, Deeby and Chris have managed to walk past this guy.

“Brudda!” He shouts from 6 yards behind us.
That swarm of bearded guys and tourists make it impossible to walk any further.

The kind rapper pats Chris for his attention. “Shit.” he mutters.

“Brudda! How you gonna walk away from a Brudda like that?” he guilt trips...

“Why does he keep saying Brudda?” Deeby thinks to himself.
“You guys like Rap?”
“Here come's the pitch.” Deeby retorts.
“You a rapper?” Trying hard not to be a dickhead, Chris sounds like a top class Dickhead.

“How could you tell?” he says with a wit and charm.

“Everyone's a rapper. WE'RE bloody rappers...” Cool it, Deeby.
“Alright sweet. Lets drop some bars. Here. Now.”
“Only if you're any good.” Chris haggles.

“Deal.”

He drops some of the dopest bars you'll ever hear from a mixtape pusher on the street.
“Now it's your turn...”
You know that moment when someone does what you do so much better than you do and you immediately lose all confidence and question why you ever started doing what you do?

Well, that sorta happened to Deeby and Chris just then. They started spitting. They forgot they bars. They tried free styling. They flopped. Rap Crime #1. They performed it.

Treats 'em right for being such dickheads... Nominated.

Zero Progress Dickhead

You know what?

I think I'll tell you bout this nomination in the form of a Dickhead Poem.

Show Chris and Deeby up...

On the left there... that's Rich.

So there's this girl. She's kinda hot.

And there's this dickhead, who's kinda not.

And this dickhead had made a bet.

Chris reckons he's already in debt.

10 Grand he would have to miss.

If this girl, the Dickhead could not kiss.

2 Years is plenty of time

That kiss would feel sublime

And after the bet was clearly stated

The dickhead got straight up nominated

A Year flew by. The Dickhead looked slick

When Chris facebook raped him and liked all her profile pics.

This game was hilarious. Nothing like chess.

And funnier to know that he'd made Zero Progress.

Unless he pulls out the candle lit dinner and champagne

It looks like Rich might just get nominated again.

Zero Progress?! Dickhead. Nominated.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead Out

Dickhead Anecdote #15: Cut Out Chris

 

NOTE:: This anecdote is a continuation of the March Dickhead.

It's Cons' Birthday and it's halloween and he throws a house party and it's off the chain. 

Ultraviolet strobe lights, penthouse views and enough drink to drown a fish in.

Rich is the last one to turn up as usual; The boy's gonna be late to his own funeral, he's excuse'll be because he had to feed the cat or something but the truth will be because he desperately needed to finish watching Breaking Bad.

“You're going on the blog for this.” Chris threaten's Rich every time he turns up late for a gathering which means Chris threaten's Rich every time he turns up for a gathering.

Rich had learned to not let the threat get to him anymore. Nominations had to go through the Board of Directors at DOTY and in this moment nobody cared but Chris, everyone else was in awe of Rich's Adam West Batman outfit.

Hats off to him, he was the only one to get a round of applause as he walked through the door.

Later on in the party (but still relatively early, mind you) Chris is sat on the floor with his legs crossed, his head in his hands and his half full drink by his side, half empty if you really want to know how Chirs was feeling at the time. He was waved. Tidal waved, wavier then a Mexican Wave waved. He couldn't hack it no more. He went home.

“Where's Chris?” Rich inquired.
“He cut out.”
“Oi, If I keep getting nominated for turning up late he should get nominated for leaving early.”

I guess Chris' earlier comment got to him after all. Rich had a point though, Chris was the first to leave at many recent events but upon hearing his argument Deeby and Cons turn to each other and share a look that read “This is the perfect opportunity to aggravate Rich.”

“Naaaahhhh....” The two belter simultaneously.

Growing up in Central London, the gang are well aware of how over-rated a news years party on London streets can be and opt for a house party, unwilling to throw one they let Chris lead the way to his friends place whilst promising them that they'll be girls, a bouncy castle and, hold onto your hats, said girls on said bouncy castle. No brainer; Party of the year.

The gang agree to meet at Deeby's and trot together. Rich was late so they met him at the train station.

“You're going on the blog for this.” Chris threatened.

“Your MUM's going on the blog for this.” Rich replied, imaginatively.

It was a long way north on the Northern line and travelling an hour or more to get anywhere was considered really far away for these Dickheads.

“It'll be worth it.” Chris assured everyone.

To kill the time, the gang talk passionately about the amazing year they just had, they ponder who might win Dickhead of the Year and tell each other they love each other whilst ending every sentence with the words #NoHomo.

In that moment their mothers could have asked “If your gang jumped off a cliff would you join them?” and their reply would be “We ride together, we die together. We're the team. The gang. The Dickhead Gang!”

They get to the house party. Meh, there's a couple of girls. Shock Horror. There's no Bouncy Castle.

It's quarter to midnight, room has been made in the living room for a dance floor, nightclub speakers grace the corners and they also have a UV light. It's shit though. Deeby and Cons do everything they can to liven up the party before countdown but not long after they leave, except for Chris of course.

As they scour the streets of London, they turn various enemies into friends, talk to many girls and urinate on many trees (It's the next best thing after bouncy castles), having the time of their lives.

This also happened to be the same night this happened.

“...And Chris aint here.” Rich notes “Nomination?”

“Nah mate.” Cons laughs.

House party was nothing like this...

The gang's manager had organised a photoshoot with a professional photographer and in an attempt to keep himself looking just as professional, he orders the gang to turn up on time. Rich especially, after which the rest of the gang remind him to switch his clock back from Jamaica time.

It's the day of the photo shoot and Rich is on time.... Well, that shut everyone up. It was also a productive day, the crew had managed to stop off at the photographer's desired locations. Well, all except one. The one photo that had been spoken about never happened.

It was to be a gritty image of the gang stood in a shitty council estate whilst London's glorious glass towers, specifically the shard and the gherkin, loomed over them like the Eye of Sauron. A discussion on London's current state of inequality and political unrest. A photograph that could spark another nationwide riot and instigate a revolution.

“Nah, fuck it.” Chris said. “I'm meeting a mate later.” He left.

The gang were left speechless.

“Oi, I turned up on time for this." Rich declared, "Surely, he's going on the blog for this?”

“Yeah probably.” Deeby agreed as they watched him walk away

On the far left... That's Rich.

Top class Dickhead.

MARCH DICKHEAD

Well this is different.
Think this is the first time we've had a group nomination.
5 people nominated for the same random act of “Dickheadness”.

But first...

What's Your Number Dickhead

Dickhead Misleading Stock Photo

Rich is getting nominated for this.

…

Oh you actually wanna KNOW why? Well read on.

Five Guy's Dickhead

Rich, Chris, Deeby, Adam and J-man hit up Five Guys for dinner. 5 guys in Five Guys.

Upon ordering their burgers they quickly find out that Five Guys don't sell Milkshakes in the UK.

“They don't sell Milkshakes? What kind of Burger place doesn't sell milkshakes?!” They protested before scoffing down the best burgers they've ever eaten in their lives. Disappointed that they had no milkshake to wash down their meal, they decided that the burger was also the most over-rated burger they ever ate.

Sippin' on their (Fuckin') soft drinks they notice a corner of the wall covered in child-like crayon drawings. Crayons and A6 pieces of paper are placed beside the wall encouraging all customers to doodle and leave their pictures with members of staff to pin up.

Most of the doodles rave about how amazing Five Guys is (Killer Marketing). The Dickheads decide to join in.

Deeby draws a milkshake and writes #DOTY (Dickhead Marketing).

Chris writes “5 Guys, 1 cup”!

Adam draws a middle finger (a middle finger that looks worryingly phallic) also noting how much he needs a milkshake.

Rich simply writes “Get's some fucking shakes, BITCH!”

J-man being the creative one writes “Want an adventure? Excitement? Intrigue? Call this number...” and jots down Rich's phone number. Rich is getting nominated for not realising.

Here's a game kids, can you find their drawings in this photo?

With no pins to stick their pictures up and too afraid to ask waiters for some, the gang steal pins from other crappy doodles because... dickheads.

Team Feelings Dickhead

One Day J-man decided to send a video in a private message to Deeby, Chris and Cons that read...

“Hey guys, this is the most disgustingly soppy thing I have ever seen. So Con's this one is right up your street (Team feelings ftw.)”

This is said video...

Oh wait.

If you truly want to understand why J-man was nominated you must press play and watch the video in it's entirety and fully immerse yourself in the pointlessness of this experience...

But we strongly advise that you do not.

Why?

Just Why?

Cut Out Dickhead!

Well, this story's getting it's own friggin' anecdote.

Next couple of weeks.
Keep your ears peeled.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead Out!

FEBRUARY DICKHEAD

February just finished.

And it's a birthday special.

That's right both nominees got their nominations... On their Bday.

Did the kids in the dickhead stock photo below have to be asian? Yeah, I'll make it work...

Dickhead Stock Photo

 

This time last year, Dona was nominated for organising herself a birthday ting and then parring of dickheads.

So this year she tried to make amends. She texts the gang...

“Hey, it's my birthday soon.
Wanna come for a dinner?”

Probably still bitter about the previous year most of the gang are like...

“Nah. Got better things to do.”

All except one. Chris, the sweetheart that he is, actually agrees to turn up.

Still unsure about actual details. i.e.: When and where should they meet, he messages Dona.
Dona blanks Chris until two hours after the event was supposed to start.

Of course, Chris ain't there. He got parred.

Dickhead move, Dona. Nice one.

It was at the bowling alley, that time Deeby got nominated for doing this (Bowling Dickhead)... Even though he's a black dude called Rich, during January last year Rich couldn't understand why a Chinese guy could be called Jeremy.

2^nd to what Deeby did, it became all Rich could talk about for the next couple of weeks.

Was he drunk? Not even a little bit. Does he even like Jeremy? He's partial. Was he being racist? Definitely.

The Dickhead year had flown by and the age old legend that was “Chinese Jeremy from the bowling Alley” remained in their memories. To nobody's surprise, he no longer works at the bowling... Or does he?

It's Rich's Birthday so the Lads go bowling again (Yeah, that's right. Rich got nominated on his birthday 'cos...¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Dickheads). The technical issues that always happens 'cos bowling alley's are shit, happens, so Deeby calls over a steward. The steward is chinese. Whilst in the middle of explaining what the issue seems to be Rich catches the steward in his peripheral vision and begins to shout.

“Jeremy?! Jeremy, is that you?! OMG it fuckin' is!
Waaaaaaaayyyyy, everyone look it's Jeremy. You alright mate?...”

Then the penny drops...

“...Wait... You're... You're not Jeremy, are ya? Wait, Yes you are? No, you're not.
What's your name?”

Deeby glances at the stewards name badge? “It's Jason.”

“Oh.” Rich hangs his head.

There's an awkward silence as Jason leaves.

The Dude is not impressed.

Turns out it's alright if you're chinese and called Jason... or maybe Rich had finally learnt it's not a big deal. He's still a Dickhead though.

Told ya I'd make the Dickhead stock photo work.



Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

JANUARY DICKHEAD

Alright. Lets get DOTY 2015 started!!

Nominations are rollin' in already.

Dickhead Gang, What?!

Fight Club Dickhead

“I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”

Not the smartest thing to say when your off your nut in the middle of the street trekking home after a mental new years party.

“What? Are you crazy?” Rich replied.

He wasn't getting the Fight Club references, so naturally, Deeby continued. Really pushing Rich to hit him for reasons unknown.

“I want you to hit me as hard as you can.”

“Alright,” Rich shrugged. POW!

Right swing to the face.

He hit him. Fully hit him... as hard as he could.

“I can't believe you just hit me!” Deeby cried.

“Bruv, you kept telling me to.”

“If I kept telling you to stick your dick in a goat would you do it? Actually, don't answer that.”

“What did you expect me to do?” Argued Rich

“You Say 'No. I'm not gonna hit you, Deeby. I'll never fucking punch you. You're my boy'. That's what you do.”

“Bruv. You're my boy. You told me to hit you... so I hit you.”

We think they're both Dickheads.

Fitness First Dickhead

You know them ones when you've been drunk walking for ages, looking for a house party, the next night club or trying to get home... there's a term Dickhead's use for that. “Fitness First.”

Second weekend of January is probably the worst weekend to party across the world. Christmas ate everyone's p's (money), New Years destroyed their livers and January sales are well, still eating p's.

The gang knew this before they headed out... But Cons was feeling lucky.

It's not long after midnight in St Paul's. The crew have been in and out of a few bars already, all of which were pretty empty. Desperate to get knee deep in clunge, Cons begins to march with purpose to Shoreditch. Shoreditch... From St Pauls!!

Fitness First, Bitches!

“This is Fitness first!” Chris notes, “Look, these streets are empty, people ain't about, nowhere is gonna be open, let's just go home.”

“Mate, I feel luckier than an alcoholic trapped in a brewery.” He keeps marching.

Cut to 40 minutes later. They see an open bar, get to the front door. Bouncer say's.
“Were just about to close, boys.” The gang's collective groan is silenced as the bouncer continues, “Want my advice? Go home!”
“Aww mate, this is long. Alright. How we getting home?” Rich asks “You getting us a cab, Cons?”

“Nah, we can walk.”

“Fitness First.” Chris notes.

Dickhead.

Dickhead Search Bars

The Dickhead Gang spit bars. You know they released this (Free Music!!), right?

They made this WhatsApp group to keep contact amongst the gang docile, to organise meetings and to stay on top of other such important work purposes...

So they were in the middle of a text rap battle when Cons slyly parred off Rich this one time... which is usually a low blow 'cos he don't usually get involved in the whole rap game.

So as you might imagine it came as a bit of a surprise when he dropped the following bars...

I'll slice, dice, incise each thrice
step unto me and piggety pay the price
if your my foe I'll make you fall like a domino
you check the flow
and you'll know I'm a pro
your a peasent
I'll eat you like a pheasent
there's no logic in testing this
cos I prevail, you fail
I scale, blaze trails, mess with me
and I'll send you to hell like mail

There not fantastic...
And they didn't really make any sense with the topical rap battle being had.
Nevertheless, Rich had written bars and everyone was astounded. Well, only until Chris had a eureka moment.
Thing is, Rich has a history for plagiarism and the reason it had taken us a while to realise he had googled these bars (original here) was because it was usually pictures that he would pass off as his own.

Turns out the only bars Rich has are his search bars... Sorry.

Who d'ya reckon is New Years Dickhead?

Dickhead Out.

Dickhead Of The Year 2014 is...

DICKHEAD OF THE YEAR 2014

And the award goes to...

Yes, it took half of January to get the results in but there's a proper process, you know. Believe it or not we have independent adjudicators that judge each dickhead nomination with meticulous attention and cast their vote accordingly...

Well, don't you wanna know who won each month first? Read on...
(Click on the links to read the full nomination.)

January :: Chris: Pizza Dickhead

February:: Dona: Birthday Dickhead

March:: J-man: Racist Dickhead

April:: Rich: Betting Dickhead #2

May:: Rich: Phone Bill Dickhead

June:: Chris: Sleeping on the Beach Dickhead

July:: Deeby: Sister Dickhead

August:: Rich: Notting Hill Dickhead

September:: Rich: Time Zone Dickhead

October:: Chris: The “I Need Bed” Dickhead

November:: Cons: Elf Dickhead

December:: Chris: Dickhead Home Wrecker

Now, usually the prize goes to the most Dickhead worthy ACT of the year... but being dickhead's themselves, our independent adjudicators decided that by gaining such a high number of nominations, coming joint 1^st in the monthly count and even being the only person nominated in one month (August), Rich was by far the most talented Dickhead to take part in the competition.

Many Congratulations, Rich, Dickhead of the Year 2014.

Dickhead Of The Year 2015 to be revealed this time next year.

October Dickhead

October went...
And not a single post was written.
We ain't even sorry, Bitches!
October was Dope!

Check Mate Dickhead

Rich’s parents are away, and knowing they would be in advance, Rich decides to throw a house party. “This house party is gonna be sick you know, piff, girls, alcohol” Rich boasts with a grin. The day of the house party finally comes and everyone has been drinking, smoking, chatting – it’s going well so far.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Deeby brings out a chess board which he found in Rich’s house. Then he actually starts PLAYING chess right there and then in the middle of the party.

Chris and Rich are sat at the far end of the room looking at Deeby with dropped jaws. “Bruv I can’t believe this is actually happening. How are they playing chess at my house party! They’re killing the vibe!” as Chris nods in agreement, equally shocked.

 

Chewing Gum Dickhead

J-man is a prick when he is with Sare, no news there. Most of the time Sare is the butt of his jokes, and right now, J-man is probably laughing at the fact that I just called her a “butt”. 

After getting settled with the gang, he produces a pack of chewing gum. No one know's where from, but he does. He opens the pack and pops one into his mouth, as you do. “Want one?” he offers the person to his left, and then to the next, and then to the next. By the time he gets to Sare there are only 2 bits of gum left. “Here you go, Sare.” he says handing her the pack. “Oh gee, thanks.” She's sarcastic. No one knows why.

“Err Jamie,” Chris pries, “Was that Sare's packet of gum you just offered us?” J-man chuckles “Yeah.” “That was unnecessary.”

J-man chuckles “Yeah.”

What a dickhead!

Chyna Porn Dickhead

 

With no official DJ hired for the house party, music was provided via anyone with a phone with access to the internet and that little auxiliary wire that connects your phone to speakers. Naturally requests were coming from all over the room and from various phones. People were using their own phones and people were using other peoples phones. Phones were left vulnerable and not a single frape was made (These dickheads deserve a medal)... but a discovery was. 

As one song was coming to a close on a phone not belonging to Aks, he picks up the phone to find it unlocked and ready for a song change. Whether it had been up on the screen already, or if Aks was in fact attempting to frape said phone or indeed had to actually make the effort to scroll through

it's browsing history to find what he found and would thus make him a dickhead, is irrelevant information. 

“Eurgh!!! Everyone look at this!” Aks exclaims whilst parading the phone about. “Who's phone is this? Who's Chyna? Why are you looking at Porn?” “Oi, that's my phone! What you doing?” demands Rich. With no music blaring, the conversation is had and heard by everyone.

“What's Chyna porn?” Aks asks again.

“Aww, I bet my brother's been through my phone again. Ash, why were you looking at porn on my phone?” He shouts up the stairs, probably inviting unwanted attention. “Rich, who d'you think you're fooling? We all know it was you.”

“Yeah whatever, I was looking at Chyna porn.” He surrenders... instantly.

“Whatever man. Don't look at porn and keep on your phone and then have your phone out at your own house party. That's a dickhead move.” The party warn him, “And watch regular porn, this shit is grim.”

 The picture above. That's Chyna. I know, right? Dickhead!

Boobgrab Dickhead!
 

J-man is a prick when he is with Sar, no news there... 

This one time, right out of the blue, he squeezed her boob whilst simultaneously squeaking...

“Boobgrab!”

...which might have been ok if, when, you're um... Nope. I'm not sure that's ever ok. Dickhead. 

The "I Need Bed" Dickhead

 

If there was a party that the Dickhead Gang could NOT have missed this year, it would have been this one. This wasn't just a friday. This was “Con's 21^st Bday Halloween Special Piff Friday”. A lot of effort had been put into this party and it was all paying off. Halloween decorations adorned the house lit only by UV strobe lighting that lit up glow in the dark stuff. Boys were jamming, Girls were dancing,. It was going down.

Then it hit him. Chris got so waved he had his head in his hands and was contemplating life in the most pitiful of stances. “Nah man,” he says “I need a bed, man” He gets up and shoots off to the nearest bed just as the party was warming up.
To which Cons says “Chris, you just got nominated for Dickhead of the Year.” To which Deeby and Rich think “You know what? Yeah. Chris just got himself nominated...”
By the very Birthday boy host of the very special night... That Chris missed.

Dickhead.

Who d'you think should win this month? Drop a comment below.

Dickhead out.

September Dickhead

September's over already?
Dickhead of the Year 2014 will receive their crown in about 3 months from today.
Mental. So who was a Dickhead in September?
Read on, init!

 

Re-union Dickhead

Earlier in the year, Kris was nominated for this (Click Here). August came and they still hadn't seen her. Dona must've felt bad about it, having Kris nominated for DOTY and everything 'cos she decided to organise a little reunion.
So doubtful that her efforts would be successful, Deeby, Chris and Pao place a bet with her.
“You pull this off, we'll give you a hundred quid. You don't, you give us a hundred quid. Everyone on this list must attend. You have 30 day's from now. Deal?”

“Deal.” Dona agrees.

The next few days was horrible. A barrage of questions about everyones availability, hobbies, interests and dietary requirements spewed out of the little indian like a Brick Lane curry out of Deeby's arse. With 2 days left till the event Dona continues to ask the boys for help organising the meet in between changing the date and time of the event.

On the day a few people arrive on time. Aks is an hour early as Dona failed to keep him up to speed, she then has a full on rant at Deeby like it was his fault and then believe or not.... Turns up late.

Hats off to her, she pulled it off.

But the hassle. Oh God, the hassle.
You're nominated, Dona!

Time Zone Dickhead

Rich lives in his own time zone. The man's gonna be late for his own funeral. Without his knowledge, the rest of the gang had begun using a system to get him where they wanted him, when they wanted him there and without causing themselves any inconvenience. It goes like this.

You say... “Hey Rich, I'll meet you at the station at 6:00”
He replies, “Alright mate, I'll see you there at 6:00.”
You get to the station at 7:00.
He meets you there at 7:02.

He apologises and spews out a couple of excuses, none of which you care about 'cos you always planned to meet him at 7:00 anyways.

Imagine Deeby's surprise when he had gone through the process above only for Rich to still be late.
“I bet you weren't even that busy,” Deeby argued “I bet you was doing something stupid like watching 24.”
Rich laughed “Yeah mate, I was.”
“But that's only like forty five minutes long. You're almost two hours late. It wouldn't make sense, not unless you watched two episodes of 24.”

Rich laughed some more “Yeah mate, I did.”
And the mystery as to why Rich is so late so often is solved.
He's a dickhead.

Big Mouth Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang roll down the streets of East London late on a Friday night 'cos they're hard and they'll have ya. No news there.
In the distance not so far ahead is a couple. A white man who's about seven feet tall and an asian woman who's roughly four feet tall (Height may or may not be exaggerated).
The entire gang notice the odd pairing, it's hard not to. What's easy to do is stay quiet. Their conversation was already stagnant, after all. While everyone else was thinking of ways to progress from the current silence in a humane manner. Chris decided to point them out and say “Errr man, that's some Human Trafficking shit right there.”
No, Chris. You're just a dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.