AUGUST DICKHEAD (Part 1)

Yeah, you read that right.
So much dickhead shit went down in August.
Which means we're doin' these blogs in parts.
 

Dickhead Photographer

It was a classic dickhead “Beer in the park” kind of day. Drinks, girls and a football. Summer in London is gorgeous. It was in that moment that life was made. Sat in a circle in the middle of the park, the crew ate drank and got merry. A little too merry maybe.

Note: Never google "Voyeur Photography"

Sat on the floor with his elbows rested on his knees and his phone in his hands, Rich was quiet. One would assume he was just sending a text.
FLASH. FLASH.

The back of the phone was pointed at Nads. She had to ask. “Dude, did you just take a picture of me?”

''Err no.” Rich denied quickly

“Liar.” Cons confirmed even quicker.

“Everyone just saw you, bro” Deeby added.
Rich quickly takes another photo.
“It was a picture of The Instigator.” Rich shows him.
“Sorry Rich, not foolin' me.”

“It was for snapchat.” Rich argued.

“Oh we all know it was for the wank bank.”

Nads shuddered, “Errr Thanks, Deeby.”

Then there was a pause.

“Well, this is awkward.” Adam added, “Nomination?”

Read our minds.

Dickhead Dona... Again.

Dropped your Ice Cream?

So like this occasion and this occasion Dona attempted to organise a catch up with the crew. Conscience of the fact that she might end up being nominated if she screwed up, she was determined to prove to everyone that she CAN organise a simple meet up and that deep down, she really DOES care about her friends.

Only... It finally hits 4:00 on that sunny august Saturday and she never got round to inviting Aks 'cos she'd assumed that Deeby would do it since they're brothers. Aware of her tendencies to take the lazy way out, Deeby says “No. You're doing this. 'Cos you're a man.” She's not... for the record.

Outside the Ice Cream place is Chris and Pao. Deeby never turned up, he got the feeling Dona would flop. Dona wasn't there. She was mad late.

Chris had sat in silence shooting Dona evils over his bowl of melted Ice Cream. Getting uncomfortable, she chose to engage in small talk. 

“You haven't touched your food.”
“How are you gonna be an hour late for an event YOU organised?” Chris flipped.

“Oh c'mon, I said I'm sorry already.”

“This happens too often, Dona. There's gotta be a line somewhere.” Pao was good cop.

Dona gandered at her watch and sighed. “I wish I could make it up to you but I gotta go.”
“WHAT?!” Chris flipped, “You just got here.”

“I have to be a party to be at.” Dona implored.

“That explains why your face is powdered in make up and why you were late.” Pao noted.

“PARTY?! This IS your party.”

“There's only three of us, dude.” Pao added.

Dona stood to leave, clasped her hand on his chin, glanced at him through her sad eyes, eyes that said “I'm sorry.”

Chris looked deep into her eyes, to him her eyes read “Suck my dick.” She's not got one... for the record.

...And then she left. Dickhead.

“This your drink?” Dickhead

Drink Responsibly.

Wanda and Chlo have rolled with the gang on many occasions. They know how the Dickheads roll. Bad behaviour gets you named and shamed. Nonetheless, she saw the opportunity and she took it.

Deeby's yard was rammed. Successful house party.

Those who make it past 3am are usually faced with an unfortunate realisation.

“This beer yours?” Wanda asks the nearest stranger. He shakes his head. “Beer? This anyone's beer?” Ignored, she shrugs and reaches for the bottle opener.

“If you're gonna get a white wine get a Moscato, It'd be perfect for a time like this.” Adam, the Dickhead's wine connoisseur was educating Chlo. “You said you like fruity wine, right?”

“Yeah. Is it sweet?” Chlo was interested.

“Sometimes. It's more Musky.”

“Whoever's Hennessey’s this is... I'm nicking a bit.. Is that OK?” Wanda didn't get a reply. “Awesome, thanks.”

“Are you supposed to have it with food?”
“Actually, it doesn't pair well with food,” Adam informed “Which is why I like it. Just drink and get fucked.”

“You're very cultured, aren't you?” Adam blushes and accepts the compliment. “So what's that you're drinking now?” Chlo wonders.

“Lambrini.”

Wanda see a little bottle of red on the kitchen counter. She picks it up, raises it in the air and opens her mouth to make an announcement. It's clear no one is going to pay her attention. “Fuck it.” She thinks to herself. “I'm drinking from the bottle.”

“I cant believe I finished my drinks already?” Chlo wondered. “I could have sworn I had more.”

Sufficiently inebriated, she decides to stop complaining.

“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” Wanda butts in.

“There's my wine!” Chlo shouts in shock, loud enough for most people to hear over the music.

The drunk crowd “Oooh” and “Aaaah” like a live audience out of a sitcom in an attempt to add fuel to the fire.

“But... but.. I've been drinking everyone's drink.”

The drunk crowd “Aww” and “Boo” like they were watching a pantomime. Adam shakes his head at her... “Don't admit it, you Dickhead.”

Nominated.

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled.
Part 2 coming soon.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #15: Cut Out Chris

 

NOTE:: This anecdote is a continuation of the March Dickhead.

It's Cons' Birthday and it's halloween and he throws a house party and it's off the chain. 

Ultraviolet strobe lights, penthouse views and enough drink to drown a fish in.

Rich is the last one to turn up as usual; The boy's gonna be late to his own funeral, he's excuse'll be because he had to feed the cat or something but the truth will be because he desperately needed to finish watching Breaking Bad.

“You're going on the blog for this.” Chris threaten's Rich every time he turns up late for a gathering which means Chris threaten's Rich every time he turns up for a gathering.

Rich had learned to not let the threat get to him anymore. Nominations had to go through the Board of Directors at DOTY and in this moment nobody cared but Chris, everyone else was in awe of Rich's Adam West Batman outfit.

Hats off to him, he was the only one to get a round of applause as he walked through the door.

Later on in the party (but still relatively early, mind you) Chris is sat on the floor with his legs crossed, his head in his hands and his half full drink by his side, half empty if you really want to know how Chirs was feeling at the time. He was waved. Tidal waved, wavier then a Mexican Wave waved. He couldn't hack it no more. He went home.

“Where's Chris?” Rich inquired.
“He cut out.”
“Oi, If I keep getting nominated for turning up late he should get nominated for leaving early.”

I guess Chris' earlier comment got to him after all. Rich had a point though, Chris was the first to leave at many recent events but upon hearing his argument Deeby and Cons turn to each other and share a look that read “This is the perfect opportunity to aggravate Rich.”

“Naaaahhhh....” The two belter simultaneously.

Growing up in Central London, the gang are well aware of how over-rated a news years party on London streets can be and opt for a house party, unwilling to throw one they let Chris lead the way to his friends place whilst promising them that they'll be girls, a bouncy castle and, hold onto your hats, said girls on said bouncy castle. No brainer; Party of the year.

The gang agree to meet at Deeby's and trot together. Rich was late so they met him at the train station.

“You're going on the blog for this.” Chris threatened.

“Your MUM's going on the blog for this.” Rich replied, imaginatively.

It was a long way north on the Northern line and travelling an hour or more to get anywhere was considered really far away for these Dickheads.

“It'll be worth it.” Chris assured everyone.

To kill the time, the gang talk passionately about the amazing year they just had, they ponder who might win Dickhead of the Year and tell each other they love each other whilst ending every sentence with the words #NoHomo.

In that moment their mothers could have asked “If your gang jumped off a cliff would you join them?” and their reply would be “We ride together, we die together. We're the team. The gang. The Dickhead Gang!”

They get to the house party. Meh, there's a couple of girls. Shock Horror. There's no Bouncy Castle.

It's quarter to midnight, room has been made in the living room for a dance floor, nightclub speakers grace the corners and they also have a UV light. It's shit though. Deeby and Cons do everything they can to liven up the party before countdown but not long after they leave, except for Chris of course.

As they scour the streets of London, they turn various enemies into friends, talk to many girls and urinate on many trees (It's the next best thing after bouncy castles), having the time of their lives.

This also happened to be the same night this happened.

“...And Chris aint here.” Rich notes “Nomination?”

“Nah mate.” Cons laughs.

House party was nothing like this...

The gang's manager had organised a photoshoot with a professional photographer and in an attempt to keep himself looking just as professional, he orders the gang to turn up on time. Rich especially, after which the rest of the gang remind him to switch his clock back from Jamaica time.

It's the day of the photo shoot and Rich is on time.... Well, that shut everyone up. It was also a productive day, the crew had managed to stop off at the photographer's desired locations. Well, all except one. The one photo that had been spoken about never happened.

It was to be a gritty image of the gang stood in a shitty council estate whilst London's glorious glass towers, specifically the shard and the gherkin, loomed over them like the Eye of Sauron. A discussion on London's current state of inequality and political unrest. A photograph that could spark another nationwide riot and instigate a revolution.

“Nah, fuck it.” Chris said. “I'm meeting a mate later.” He left.

The gang were left speechless.

“Oi, I turned up on time for this." Rich declared, "Surely, he's going on the blog for this?”

“Yeah probably.” Deeby agreed as they watched him walk away

On the far left... That's Rich.

Top class Dickhead.

FEBRUARY DICKHEAD

February just finished.

And it's a birthday special.

That's right both nominees got their nominations... On their Bday.

Did the kids in the dickhead stock photo below have to be asian? Yeah, I'll make it work...

Dickhead Stock Photo

 

This time last year, Dona was nominated for organising herself a birthday ting and then parring of dickheads.

So this year she tried to make amends. She texts the gang...

“Hey, it's my birthday soon.
Wanna come for a dinner?”

Probably still bitter about the previous year most of the gang are like...

“Nah. Got better things to do.”

All except one. Chris, the sweetheart that he is, actually agrees to turn up.

Still unsure about actual details. i.e.: When and where should they meet, he messages Dona.
Dona blanks Chris until two hours after the event was supposed to start.

Of course, Chris ain't there. He got parred.

Dickhead move, Dona. Nice one.

It was at the bowling alley, that time Deeby got nominated for doing this (Bowling Dickhead)... Even though he's a black dude called Rich, during January last year Rich couldn't understand why a Chinese guy could be called Jeremy.

2^nd to what Deeby did, it became all Rich could talk about for the next couple of weeks.

Was he drunk? Not even a little bit. Does he even like Jeremy? He's partial. Was he being racist? Definitely.

The Dickhead year had flown by and the age old legend that was “Chinese Jeremy from the bowling Alley” remained in their memories. To nobody's surprise, he no longer works at the bowling... Or does he?

It's Rich's Birthday so the Lads go bowling again (Yeah, that's right. Rich got nominated on his birthday 'cos...¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Dickheads). The technical issues that always happens 'cos bowling alley's are shit, happens, so Deeby calls over a steward. The steward is chinese. Whilst in the middle of explaining what the issue seems to be Rich catches the steward in his peripheral vision and begins to shout.

“Jeremy?! Jeremy, is that you?! OMG it fuckin' is!
Waaaaaaaayyyyy, everyone look it's Jeremy. You alright mate?...”

Then the penny drops...

“...Wait... You're... You're not Jeremy, are ya? Wait, Yes you are? No, you're not.
What's your name?”

Deeby glances at the stewards name badge? “It's Jason.”

“Oh.” Rich hangs his head.

There's an awkward silence as Jason leaves.

The Dude is not impressed.

Turns out it's alright if you're chinese and called Jason... or maybe Rich had finally learnt it's not a big deal. He's still a Dickhead though.

Told ya I'd make the Dickhead stock photo work.



Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Of The Year 2014 is...

DICKHEAD OF THE YEAR 2014

And the award goes to...

Yes, it took half of January to get the results in but there's a proper process, you know. Believe it or not we have independent adjudicators that judge each dickhead nomination with meticulous attention and cast their vote accordingly...

Well, don't you wanna know who won each month first? Read on...
(Click on the links to read the full nomination.)

January :: Chris: Pizza Dickhead

February:: Dona: Birthday Dickhead

March:: J-man: Racist Dickhead

April:: Rich: Betting Dickhead #2

May:: Rich: Phone Bill Dickhead

June:: Chris: Sleeping on the Beach Dickhead

July:: Deeby: Sister Dickhead

August:: Rich: Notting Hill Dickhead

September:: Rich: Time Zone Dickhead

October:: Chris: The “I Need Bed” Dickhead

November:: Cons: Elf Dickhead

December:: Chris: Dickhead Home Wrecker

Now, usually the prize goes to the most Dickhead worthy ACT of the year... but being dickhead's themselves, our independent adjudicators decided that by gaining such a high number of nominations, coming joint 1^st in the monthly count and even being the only person nominated in one month (August), Rich was by far the most talented Dickhead to take part in the competition.

Many Congratulations, Rich, Dickhead of the Year 2014.

Dickhead Of The Year 2015 to be revealed this time next year.

October Dickhead

October went...
And not a single post was written.
We ain't even sorry, Bitches!
October was Dope!

Check Mate Dickhead

Rich’s parents are away, and knowing they would be in advance, Rich decides to throw a house party. “This house party is gonna be sick you know, piff, girls, alcohol” Rich boasts with a grin. The day of the house party finally comes and everyone has been drinking, smoking, chatting – it’s going well so far.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Deeby brings out a chess board which he found in Rich’s house. Then he actually starts PLAYING chess right there and then in the middle of the party.

Chris and Rich are sat at the far end of the room looking at Deeby with dropped jaws. “Bruv I can’t believe this is actually happening. How are they playing chess at my house party! They’re killing the vibe!” as Chris nods in agreement, equally shocked.

 

Chewing Gum Dickhead

J-man is a prick when he is with Sare, no news there. Most of the time Sare is the butt of his jokes, and right now, J-man is probably laughing at the fact that I just called her a “butt”. 

After getting settled with the gang, he produces a pack of chewing gum. No one know's where from, but he does. He opens the pack and pops one into his mouth, as you do. “Want one?” he offers the person to his left, and then to the next, and then to the next. By the time he gets to Sare there are only 2 bits of gum left. “Here you go, Sare.” he says handing her the pack. “Oh gee, thanks.” She's sarcastic. No one knows why.

“Err Jamie,” Chris pries, “Was that Sare's packet of gum you just offered us?” J-man chuckles “Yeah.” “That was unnecessary.”

J-man chuckles “Yeah.”

What a dickhead!

Chyna Porn Dickhead

 

With no official DJ hired for the house party, music was provided via anyone with a phone with access to the internet and that little auxiliary wire that connects your phone to speakers. Naturally requests were coming from all over the room and from various phones. People were using their own phones and people were using other peoples phones. Phones were left vulnerable and not a single frape was made (These dickheads deserve a medal)... but a discovery was. 

As one song was coming to a close on a phone not belonging to Aks, he picks up the phone to find it unlocked and ready for a song change. Whether it had been up on the screen already, or if Aks was in fact attempting to frape said phone or indeed had to actually make the effort to scroll through

it's browsing history to find what he found and would thus make him a dickhead, is irrelevant information. 

“Eurgh!!! Everyone look at this!” Aks exclaims whilst parading the phone about. “Who's phone is this? Who's Chyna? Why are you looking at Porn?” “Oi, that's my phone! What you doing?” demands Rich. With no music blaring, the conversation is had and heard by everyone.

“What's Chyna porn?” Aks asks again.

“Aww, I bet my brother's been through my phone again. Ash, why were you looking at porn on my phone?” He shouts up the stairs, probably inviting unwanted attention. “Rich, who d'you think you're fooling? We all know it was you.”

“Yeah whatever, I was looking at Chyna porn.” He surrenders... instantly.

“Whatever man. Don't look at porn and keep on your phone and then have your phone out at your own house party. That's a dickhead move.” The party warn him, “And watch regular porn, this shit is grim.”

 The picture above. That's Chyna. I know, right? Dickhead!

Boobgrab Dickhead!
 

J-man is a prick when he is with Sar, no news there... 

This one time, right out of the blue, he squeezed her boob whilst simultaneously squeaking...

“Boobgrab!”

...which might have been ok if, when, you're um... Nope. I'm not sure that's ever ok. Dickhead. 

The "I Need Bed" Dickhead

 

If there was a party that the Dickhead Gang could NOT have missed this year, it would have been this one. This wasn't just a friday. This was “Con's 21^st Bday Halloween Special Piff Friday”. A lot of effort had been put into this party and it was all paying off. Halloween decorations adorned the house lit only by UV strobe lighting that lit up glow in the dark stuff. Boys were jamming, Girls were dancing,. It was going down.

Then it hit him. Chris got so waved he had his head in his hands and was contemplating life in the most pitiful of stances. “Nah man,” he says “I need a bed, man” He gets up and shoots off to the nearest bed just as the party was warming up.
To which Cons says “Chris, you just got nominated for Dickhead of the Year.” To which Deeby and Rich think “You know what? Yeah. Chris just got himself nominated...”
By the very Birthday boy host of the very special night... That Chris missed.

Dickhead.

Who d'you think should win this month? Drop a comment below.

Dickhead out.

September Dickhead

September's over already?
Dickhead of the Year 2014 will receive their crown in about 3 months from today.
Mental. So who was a Dickhead in September?
Read on, init!

 

Re-union Dickhead

Earlier in the year, Kris was nominated for this (Click Here). August came and they still hadn't seen her. Dona must've felt bad about it, having Kris nominated for DOTY and everything 'cos she decided to organise a little reunion.
So doubtful that her efforts would be successful, Deeby, Chris and Pao place a bet with her.
“You pull this off, we'll give you a hundred quid. You don't, you give us a hundred quid. Everyone on this list must attend. You have 30 day's from now. Deal?”

“Deal.” Dona agrees.

The next few days was horrible. A barrage of questions about everyones availability, hobbies, interests and dietary requirements spewed out of the little indian like a Brick Lane curry out of Deeby's arse. With 2 days left till the event Dona continues to ask the boys for help organising the meet in between changing the date and time of the event.

On the day a few people arrive on time. Aks is an hour early as Dona failed to keep him up to speed, she then has a full on rant at Deeby like it was his fault and then believe or not.... Turns up late.

Hats off to her, she pulled it off.

But the hassle. Oh God, the hassle.
You're nominated, Dona!

Time Zone Dickhead

Rich lives in his own time zone. The man's gonna be late for his own funeral. Without his knowledge, the rest of the gang had begun using a system to get him where they wanted him, when they wanted him there and without causing themselves any inconvenience. It goes like this.

You say... “Hey Rich, I'll meet you at the station at 6:00”
He replies, “Alright mate, I'll see you there at 6:00.”
You get to the station at 7:00.
He meets you there at 7:02.

He apologises and spews out a couple of excuses, none of which you care about 'cos you always planned to meet him at 7:00 anyways.

Imagine Deeby's surprise when he had gone through the process above only for Rich to still be late.
“I bet you weren't even that busy,” Deeby argued “I bet you was doing something stupid like watching 24.”
Rich laughed “Yeah mate, I was.”
“But that's only like forty five minutes long. You're almost two hours late. It wouldn't make sense, not unless you watched two episodes of 24.”

Rich laughed some more “Yeah mate, I did.”
And the mystery as to why Rich is so late so often is solved.
He's a dickhead.

Big Mouth Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang roll down the streets of East London late on a Friday night 'cos they're hard and they'll have ya. No news there.
In the distance not so far ahead is a couple. A white man who's about seven feet tall and an asian woman who's roughly four feet tall (Height may or may not be exaggerated).
The entire gang notice the odd pairing, it's hard not to. What's easy to do is stay quiet. Their conversation was already stagnant, after all. While everyone else was thinking of ways to progress from the current silence in a humane manner. Chris decided to point them out and say “Errr man, that's some Human Trafficking shit right there.”
No, Chris. You're just a dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #11: Dam Bitch! (Part 3)

Hold up! Have you read Part 1 and Part 2? Nah? Well click on those links then come back init. 

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

          You like to...

           MOVE IT

Chris was expecting this exact song to be blaring amongst a myriad of scantily clad women dancing in carnival-esque fashion as we entered the Red Light District. He was sorely disappointed.

Rich was in heaven so he lead the way. Chris and Deeby were discussing the similarity’s between their current activity to a trip to the zoo, the conversation drifted towards the contemporary state of feminism and whether men should feel emasculated buying shower gel marketed at women. Meanwhile...

“Rich, this is the third time you've brought us to this street?” Deeby pointed out.

“This is the tranny street, man!” Chris added “Why d'you keep bringing us here? Is there something you want to tell us.”
“Nah man, I just keep getting lost. All these streets look the same.” Rich argues.

“Yeah, alright.” The others thought.

Did you hear about Lisa? She had her appendix taken out. Now, she's only a prostitute on the side.

Deciding to soak in some Dutch culture, the next day was spent at the Van Gogh Museum.

They smoke a few zoots first, of course. On the 1^st floor now, Rich gets groggy.

“Nah man, I need to sit down.” Rich exclaims.
“You alright, mate?” Chris is concerned.
“Yeah, you guys go check out the paintings, I'm just gonna sit here for a second.”
Chris and Deeby circle the floor and come back only to see Rich in the middle of the gallery passed out. Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight,” Deeby clarified. “Should we help him?”
“He ain't goin' anywhere.”
“Yeah, we'll come back in a bit or in an hour or two.”

That night, the not so nail-biting Argentina Holland world cup semi-final was on. Rich hyped about how amazing it was that were going to watch a Holland football match whilst in Holland (even though he had already fallen asleep watching the Germany Brazil game on the previous night), it was one of his main reasons for being here. Totally into the spirit of things, Deeby buys a bright orange Holland jacket whilst Chris looks for a Dutch pub. A wave of fans dressed in all orange chant and cheer in optimism. It's kick off. The whistle blows and Rich yells...

“COME ON YOU ARGIES!! SHOW HOLLAND HOW IT'S DONE!”

Chris, Deeby and about 5 or 6 Dutch patriots all turn their heads at him.

Deeby shakes his head at Rich. Chris has his head in his hands.

“What?!” asks Rich, oblivious.

What Chris sees when he's on truffles.

A new day... which means new drugs.
Truffles, the local delicacy, happened to be on the menu on that "Beer in the Park" kind of day. An hour after consumption Deeby wasn't feeling anything so decided to buy a sandwich from a nearby shop, Rich was chillin' off a teeny buzz but Chris was going to town. Sat on the grass, legs crossed like he does yoga and palms hovering over the floor, gently brushing blades of grass. He smiles like he's found the meaning of life.

When Deeby returned, the pair were both on their phones. “Oi Phone Whores,” He called “Bored of each other already?”
“He's on his phone being anti-social and not enjoying his holiday,” Chris began “So I wrote a poem about it.”

Chris' Poem: Rich in Dam

Rich is in dam, but is he here.
Nah. Not it Dam.

“And Phone whore number 2. Whats your excuse?”
“Aww I'm tellin you man, it's one of them ones,” Rich whimpered “You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time. I'm still get irritating messages from my auntie about being in Amsterdam. Why do they keep talking about Bitter Gold?”

“That's Peak times for you, init!” Deeby laughs. Beep Beep.
“Uh oh. Phone whore number 3.” Rich notes.

“Oh shit.” Deeby's stunned at his text.

“What?” Chris asks.

“Just got a message from Wumz. “So Sorry Adeeb. I messed up. I let it slip to your mum that you smoke weed. So so sorry. Hope you don't get in too much trouble.”

A beat of silence is quickly interrupted by immense hysterical laughter from Chris and Rich. They're in tears.
Chris can't help but say it once more... “Dickhead of the year goes to...”

Dam Bitch!

August Dickhead!

Another month equals another batch of Dickhead Stories..
August was a very special month for one very special dickhead.
Read on to get the scoop.


Notting Hill Dickhead

Look, Rich is dressed up and everyting.

Rich has a 1.5ltr bottle of coke and a whole bottle of vodka for himself. He takes a swig of the Vodka.
 

“Oh Shit. That's actually quite strong.” He notes to himself.

At this point, most people would probably pour a little of the vodka into the bottle of Coke.

Not Rich. With two shots of the vodka gone, Rich's bright idea was to weaken the bottle of vodka by filling it with coca cola.
For about half an hour, Rich was doing The Notting Hill Carnival right.
Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance. Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance.

It was 1:30 when it hit him.

Rich was struggling to stand up and Chris was determined to hit on this one Police Woman. So Chris did what any dickhead would do. He carried him around and left him to sit on a kerb or by a tree with his head in his hands. Of course, Chris wasn't getting very far and decided it'd probably be best to just get him home. On the underground now, which was a trek because the streets of Notting Hill were rammed, Rich's Dance, Drink, Drink, Dance routine seemed to have been replaced with something very different very quickly.
Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit. Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit.

Dickhead.

FIFA Dickhead

No, Not Sepp Blatter (Though we really oughta do an article on him at some point.)

“Nah mate, I'm pissed off at you.” Rich declares. “You got a target on your head. I wanna beat you like 9 or 10 nil.”

Deeby's not the best at Fifa. Before these series of events, he'd be the first to unashamedly admit that he's not very good but he'd make you work to win. So as you might have suspected, it was a massive shock when Deeby visited Rich's house for a Fifa Lads Night In, only to beat almost everyone in the house, Rich included. 4-1, bruv.

Deeby's skills came out of nowhere... as did Rich's vengeful fury.
“Not tonight, mate. Nah. It's one of them ones... I can't let that slide. We have an audience today. So I'm gonna beat you in front of all your mates.”
It was another Fifa Lads Night In, this time at Deeby's place.
87 Fifa minutes in. The game stands at 4-1 to Deeby. Nobody was expecting the scoreline to repeat itself. Rich had steam firing out of his ears. Deeby was in giggles. Then he scored again.

Rich holds his pride and cries...

“5-1, Rich! It's 5-1.” Deeby was in hysterics now. Even he couldn't believe it. “Awww mate. You look so pissed. This is so funny. Your brothers are never gonna believe this. No, I mean it. That ACTUALLY wont believe this. I'm gonna have to take a picture of the scoreline. Post it on instagram and facebook and tag 'em, otherwise they'll never see...”

Rich heard enough. In a single motion of panic and rage, he got up leapt forward and turned off the Xbox.
Sore Loser much? Dickhead.

Suspended Dickhead

Lidl Wayne

With beers and some new friends, the gang talk life ambitions and careers. It's at this moment that Rich drops his bomb shell.
“Yeah, I got suspended from my job for stealing?”
The room is in a stunned silence. They couldn't believe it. Rich was suspended for stealing.
“From where you work?” Chris clarifies. Rich nods.
“Lidl's?” Chris makes doubly sure. Rich nods again.
“You got fired from Lidl's?!”
It takes a special man to achieve such accolades and Chris is justified in asking three times.
Chilling with the boys that night was a mid 30's, hard talking beast of a cockney lad.
He's louder than Susan Boyle, big like Steve Austin and talks like Vinnie Jones. You don't fuck with him. He's good conscience couldn't ignore what Rich had just admitted and so... he began to share some wisdom with Rich. A troubled man with his head screwed back on right. He tells them the story of his dark past which included run in's with the police, a job loss or two and an addiction to cocaine.

His story is moving, inspirational and will probably become an Oscar raved biopic one day. He tells them that he's learnt from his mistakes and will never stoop to such lows ever again before ending his speech with a simple question.
“...So Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“No,” The room whispers “Say No. I will never steal from work again.” But that's not how Rich thinks.

“...So, Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“What? Somewhere shitty like Lidl? ...Yeah probably.”
Dickhead!

August Dickhead

Shit boy! Three Nominations in one month? And the ONLY one to be nominated? This calls for a nomination in itself! Rich, you truly are Dickhead of August 2014!

Dickhead Anecdote #9: Dam Bitch! (Part 1)

“Just imagine undressing her down to her golden-laced thong... hidden amongst the stretch marks wrapped around her wrinkly and royal waist. Her boobs are soft and saggy but her nipples are interestingly hard. Oh and she's still wearing her crown 'cos then otherwise what's the point.”

Apparently, a 6 hour journey with Chris and Deeby can get so boring, the only interesting conversation left to be had is what it might be like to have sex with the queen.

“You'd have to stick a hoover or a duster up there first,” Rich continues “There's probably more cobwebs up there than in my attic.”

Deeby's close to vomiting, but Rich is getting a kick out of that. Until they had landed in mainland Europe, things weren't plain sailing for Rich.

Dayum Phillip!! Who's your friend?

The night before the flight, Rich's mum had him sat in the living room and was close to performing an exorcism (The previous exorcism had obviously not worked, but that's for another anecdote).
“The power of Christ compels you, Rich. The power of Christ compels you. May the devil leave your soul. May your holiday in Amsterdam be full of pain and anguish... And I pray the Weed tastes like Bitter Gold. Bitter Gold. BITTER GOLD!”

“Shit boy!” Say's Chris “Your mum weren't fucking around. That's a serious prayer.”
“I know, man. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back about it all the time.” For once, Rich was making sense. Chris and Deeby didn't bother arguing. “Anyways, back to the real problem,” He continued “Scope the place out, there must be a way.”

They were now at Southend airport. Rich was looking for “loopholes” in the airports security. “How to smuggle weed back into the UK?” No one had any real intention of doing so, it's just a question pondered by pretty much everyone that visits Amsterdam. No sharp objects, no explosives and No liquids, “Which is just as well,” Rich thought “They wouldn't be any help if you plan on smuggling back any ganja, if you know what I mean... I mean weed... You know, MARIJUANA.”
“Bloody 'ell, Rich. Would you keep your voice down. We're about to get our bags checked.” Deeby protested. He gives him a hand and puts Rich's bag in the tray.
“What's in your bag your, Rich? It's well heavy.”
“Oh yeah, I packed some Whey Protein Powders and other such products.” Rich says candidly.

“Why the fuck would you pack Whey Protein Powders?”
“Mate, don't grill me about this now. I think I'm still a little bit high.”
“Alright alright,” Deeby settles “Lets just get through security. We've got nothing to worry about anymore.”

Protein Powder. No Coke. Me Swear.

Chris and Deeby watch Rich wrangle with security from a distance as they empty the contents of his bag.
“No liquids, Rich. How hard is that?” Chris thought aloud. “That's the biggest bottle of Mouthwash I've ever seen. It would probably double as a flammable.”

“This is actually really funny to watch,” Deeby added “He really doesn't need this right now. He's still really high.”

“He's always high. I bet he was high when he packed.”

“We're not even in Amsterdam yet.” Deeby noted.
Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”



Dam Bitch!
Part 2 coming soon.

July Dickhead

Is it August already?!

Alright then.
Here are July's Dickheads.

Sister Dickhead

Dickhead Deeby with a Dickhead Desk

Dona is a well known social media dickhead. Snapchatting photo's of her feet, assuming Chris would be in China 'cos he posts a Picture the Great Wall on his facebook page and selfies. Bare selfies! #MirrorFlex. So partly to get back at her for being so digitally irritating and partly for shits and giggles, there's this thing The Dickhead Gang do. Every now and then Dona will post a selfie with her sister or one of her bae's or some shit. Then usually one of the boys will take the opportunity to get on her nerves with a simple comment...

“Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”

This usually sparks some "comment banter" with Dona saying something like “Take a hike, my sister would never stoop to your level, stop trying to add her on facebook, once is enough” etcetera etcetera...
Of course, this doesn't stop the dickheads from writing the above comment.
We must also inform you of Dona's height. Standing at a gigantic 4ft tall, people often tower a few heads higher than her when posing for pictures (even if she's wearing heels). I feel it must also be said that Dona is not a dwarf or a hobbit or anything, she just bare short.

So, when a new photo emerges on Facebook of Dona with a brand new bae towering two heads higher than her.... Deeby's natural response is “Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”
That day he was shot down as her reply was “My 14 year old baby sister.”

Awkward...

Airport Dickhead

“If we were to smuggle weed back from Amsterdam,” Rich began “This is how we'd do it.”
It had already been an eventful morning. We'd had to get up at 4:30 to catch our flight, we'd racked up a £20 parking ticket for a 5 minute stop and was held in the bagging area 'cos Rich had packed unnecessary bottles of liquids amongst other vital stuff such as protein shakes and exercising shit... cos you know, Rich is ripped to shreds.

Protein shakes blad!

Showing our passports as we board, you'd think they'd be topics of conversation to avoid. Anything about weapons, explosives and drugs... right? Well not if you're Rich.

A “warm up zoot” in the car on the way to the airport to get on a plane to amsterdam seemed apt. “Let's get this party started!” they thought. Now at the airport in front of the woman who looks at your passport to see if you're legit, Rich begins... “They don't keep security in that corner of the airport...”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“I don't even see any sniffer dogs either.”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“Aww mate,” Rich giggles. “I'm still high.”

Deeby passes the steward his passport and holds his head in his hands.

Who d'you think won this month? Comment below.

Also, keep your ear's peeled. A lot happened at the Netherlands.
Amsterdam Anecdotes coming soon.

Dickhead out.

May Dickhead

Has May gone already?
Bugger me, it was an eventful month.
Five Dickhead nominations in all.
Read on then, init!

Attention Dickhead

Chris is on a night out, as usual. He spots a Pretty Young Thing (PYT) and her mate at the bar. Problem is, before he gets her attention some other dude already has and now he's surrounded by the PYT's group of friends.

“Allow it,” he thinks to himself. “No point complaining. Hi, I'm Chris.” He introduces himself to the PYT's friend. She's not butters, she's just not the PYT.

“I bet she gets a lot of attention” Chris comments. “Yeah, she does.” Says PYT sadly, clearly jealous of her friend, although happy to finally be getting some attention. Chris sympathises with her and carries on the conversation as she strokes his arm, plays with her hair and pouts; Sex oozing out of her every pore.

5 mins later Chris has disregarded her and is making out with the PYT.
Well done. Dickhead.

Phone Bill Dickhead

Deeby is explaining to Rich how much of a ting Chris has for asian girls. Who can blame him? We grew up in Tower Hamlets. To hammer his point home Deeby shows Rich a series of pictures all including Chris in a friendly pose with a Pretty Asian Thing (PAT).
“Ooh, that one's nice.” Rich says “Is he actually doing a ting with that girl?”

“Yeah alright!” Deeby argues “Don't act like you'll actually do something about it.”

“Nah man, I will.” Rich exclaims. He texts Chris and asks for her number.

“Lol” Chris replies, confident that this wont get anywhere. He sends him her number.

A week passes.
“You text her yet?” Ask's Chris.

“Nah man, I ain't got credit.” Say's Rich.

“Then, how are you texting me right now?”

Classic Rich.

Tinder Dickhead 

After getting battered at a game of Fifa, Rich asks Deeby. “Mate you heard of Tinder?” to which Deeby thinks to himself “He's not gone and downloaded Tinder, has he?”
Only he has. 'Cos put simply, he's more desperate than a fat kid at the back of the lunch que.

“I've not heard about it,” Deeby lies, “let's have a look.” Rich hands Deeby his phone.
“So what do you do?” Deeby asks. Rich spends the next 5 minutes pacing up and down the room explaining the app, it's uses and it's wondorous features, all without realising that Deeby hasn't bothered looking at a single profile but has, with a crazy trigger finger, pressed the “tick” button on dozens of profiles.

Deeby reckons he did Rich a favour. Rich reckons Deeby's a Dickhead.

Ibiza Dickhead

 

Chris, Bradley, Pao and some of their mates decide to go to Ibiza this summer, because why the fuck not? They plan months in advance, trying to get as many people on it as possible, 'cos the more the merrier... also the cheaper the accommodation!

Pao invites several of his uni friends, including some asian girls who humour the idea of going but each of them flop and each of them have terrible excuses.

• Asian girl #1 agrees to go with no issues but drops out last minute because she has no money

• Asian girl #2 will only go if Asian girl #3 goes

• Asian girl #3 says the same in reverse…..

These May or May not be said Asian Girls

Chris, Bradley and Pao give up on the idea of the asian girls ever coming and plan the holiday without them.

Months later when everything is pretty much finalised, including payments, Pao informs Chris and Bradley that the asian girls have decided to go to Ibiza….. but not with them!

“Wait, at the same time as us?” Chris asks

“Surely not. That would be the ultimate par” exclaims Bradley.

Turns out they ARE going at the same time, but just leaving one day earlier. Chris, Pao, Bradley and everyone else paid extra for accommodation for nothing!

“Absolute Dickheads!” Bradley responds when the par is confirmed.

3 Months in a row Dickhead 

Chris has OFFICIALLY become the first Dickhead to be nominated for 3 months in a row.
That in itself deserves a Dickhead nomination.
'Cos he's a Dickhead... Dickhead.

Who d'you think oughta win this month?