JULY DICKHEAD

Is it August already?
Alright then.
Here's a couple of things that happened in July.

Lost in Dam Dickhead

So it's the first night of the Dickhead's Annual Adventure's in Amsterdam. With Chris being a Cut Out and Rich Cutting out (Yes, there's a difference) it was up to Cons, Deeby, Kai, Adam and The Instigator to turn shit up.

Straight off the plane and into a coffee shop. Hostel was booked in advance, no need to rush (Unlike the 10pm curfew set by that prick Erika from AirBnB. That story's here). Navigating yourself through a major city in a different country shouldn't be met with so much confidence, especially when said country has legalised substances such as psilocybin and you're the dickhead munching 'em like Nik-Naks.

Deeby's been here twice before, “It's no biggie” he thinks to himself but they've circled the Ajax Stadium three times now. Still lugging about their luggage and staring at the screenshot off of google maps on an iPad at one in the morning... some might say these tourists were vulnerable.

Zoot in the mouth, couple shots in the liver, nobody know's which way is up... Deeby would say these tourists were invincible.

No. Really. These guys were lost.

“THIS WAY!” Deeby commands.

“Nope, we've been following your directions for an hour. I'm done.” The Instigator had enough.

“Correction, that friendly driver's directions.”
“Not being funny, but he's banged up Peugeot was missing a head light, it smelt like it had a dead body in the back and the guy tried reaching for Adam's iPad.”

Adam snatched his iPad back rapid.

15 minutes later, checked in and cosy. Deeby's penny dropped. 

“I just realised, that dickhead in the car pointed us in the wrong direction.” 

“I just realised,” Adam retorted, “You're probably gonna get nominated.”

He weren't wrong.

Deeby's Dickhead Statement

Beer in the park kinda day. The gang are out and about. Brick Lane to Bethnal Green, Bethnal Green to Vicky Park. They chat shit, smack talk and make too many not so politically correct jokes. Also Deeby was giving people wet willies that day. Sneaking up behind Cons, he charges at the unsuspecting victim with a lionesses prowess. Ready... Set... ATTACK!!

But Cons was ready. He ducks for dear life and swipes away Deeby's arm with Tai Chi finesse!

“Allow it, Deeby! Why are you always trying to give someone a wet willy? I bet that's what you like to do. I bet that's what gets you off in your fantasies. You walk about town getting orgasms from sticking your wet fingers in their ears. I bet you stick your finger up your arse hole first n'all.”

Quite proud of himself, Cons decided to repeat that last line once or twice more.

“Yeah.. haha. You stick your finger up, find your g spot, give it wriggle, then stick your finger in your mouth AND THEN stick your finger in their ear. You're grim man.”

Ok maybe four or five more times. Who'd have known... Deeby flipped out!

“YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I DO. I STICK MY FINGER UP MY ARSE, THEN I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, THEN I STICK IT IN YOUR EARS!!”

Besides the fact that that was such a dickhead statement to make. To scream it out in anger so that people up in Mare St could hear ya was beyond the dickhead decibel count. You're getting Nominated.

Cons Dickhead Statement

After the madness that ensued over Deeby's last statement had diffused, Cons decided to put a full stop to the situation with this one sentence.

“Deeby would stick shit into a jap's eye.”

What? Kmt. Dickhead.


Grad Party Dickhead

New Dickhead to tell ya about today.

Technically not a member of the Dickhead Gang, she's hung out with the crew enough times to warrant a nomination if deserved and well, here's her story.

Gronz just graduated. “Well done and all that,” Chris began, “When's the grad party?”

She wasn't really planning on throwing a party but dickhead's know how to peer pressure.
“Fuck me, I've gotta throw a party now.” She thinks to herself in an irish accent; She's Irish. “Nah, I'd rather go out.”

The pre-drinks at was at her place then. The kitchen and living room were packed, bowl of punch on the table, is that a cake? She's done this before. Or so she would have us believe.

“Chocolate?” asked Chris.
“What?” Gronz was baffed.
“The Cake.”
“Oh,” Gronz nudged nudged and winked winked. “That's a 'special' cake!”
“Yep.” “Send me some of that.” “And me!” … The gang grab a slice each. Only one, though. They were gonna go out, remember? Gronz was thinking differently, though.
“I've had a couple of slices but I cant feel anything.” she admitted.
“Oh no, don't do that.” Chris says with very little urgency as she scoffs down three more slices.

The night out was incredible. Mans got wasted. Girls got pulled. Girls got wasted. Mans was fooled. They laughed. They drank. They were merry.
Well, I say “they”. Not Gronz. Them five slices hit her in five minutes and she was out for five hours.

It was HER bloody graduation party n'all and now she's just graduated into Dickhead of the Year.
The Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

MAY DICKHEAD

 

Well hey there, June.

Wanna know what we got up to with May?
Yeah, we been foolin' around you might not wanna hear it.
Ahh go on then.

I.D. Dickhead

 So there's this Dickhead in the Gang who never really says or does much. He often shows face at various Dickhead gatherings and gets involved in many Dickhead activities; He's usually there when Chris Cuts Out.

In January, the Gang had managed to do a night out every single weekend so when the end of April came around and they had realised they hadn't gone out for the whole month one Dickhead knew this wasn't right. One Dickhead knew that we had changed and it wasn't for the better. One Dickhead exclaimed “On the first of May, we're goin' Out! We're goin' OUT out!!”

That Dickhead is aptly named, The Instigator. When Cons and Deeby freestlye it's because The Instigator hit play on the turntable. When Chris and Rich have a little tiff, it's 'cos The Instigator got bored and wants a laugh and when the Dickhead Gang go out, it's cos The Instigator said to go out. He's called The Instigator 'cos that's what he does!

And so the usual routine was underway. The instigator had been hyping for weeks, the gang had piffed a couple zoots, backed a couple shots and sipped a couple beers. They headed out. In the queue now. The instigator ain't got his I.D.

Dickhead.

Dick Grab Dickhead  

 Deeby, Rich, and Cons are all jamming indoors and smoking the fattest zoot. It's a standard day for them. Cons has the ashtray balanced on his lap. Probably not the best place to keep it. Regardless, Deeby makes a grab for it anyway but brushes against the front of Cons' trousers as he does. Cons feels violated, Rich finds it hilarious. Deeby doesn't even say no homo, and claims it was an accident but more likely he's just a dickhead! 
Independent Adjudicator's Note: the basis for this nomination is Richard's testimony. Rich says Deeby touched Cons. Deeby calls bullshit. Who knows, maybe Rich is the real dickhead here!
 

Dropped the Zoot Dickhead

The Instigator knows how to instigate a good nights sleep n'all. Put on a movie, piff a zoot, dream on. Some people back pills, some hit the wank bank, The Instigator piffs a zoot. It's a very particular ritual and one that the rest of the gang had grown accustomed to.

Deeby is fortunate enough to live on the top floor of a block of flats and generous enough to lend his spare bed to any of the gang that might need to use it. He's also lucky in that when The Instigator is in need of his bed, which is quite often, The Instigator also brings with him his materials and is generous enough to share.

So it's no big deal when Deeby sticks Cheech and Chong in the DVD player only to have The Instigator “lift off” (By the window, that is, Deeby's house rules) and fall asleep halfway through.

This night was special though, The spare bed was set up, the lemons were rolled and Pineapple Express was the film of choice that night. Deeby and the Instigator had made themselves comfortable by the window. Three drags and pass was the unwritten rule, only, it was The Instigator's second drag when he had turned away from the window and looked Deeby in the eye with melancholy.

“I dropped the zoot.”

“No you didn't.” Deeby literally in disbelief.

“Yes, I did.”

“No you didn't?” Questioning his beliefs.

“Yes. I did.” The Instigator showed Deeby his hands. They were empty.

“Yes, you did.” In disbelief.

“It's gone.” Wept the Instigator.

Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

APRIL DICKHEAD

 

May Already?!
Aight... April nominations.

What d'ya think?

Dickhead Rappers

Deeby was chilin at Chris' when he's Wii U decided to fuck up and forced them to go outside and reap the benefits of that sunny "Beer in the Park" kinda day.

Living in and around Brick Lane has it's perks. Decent curry to start the night, booze up in a bar and hot girls every day. But like Deeby always says... “Fuck Brick Lane on a weekend.” 

"This beard is different 'cos it's mine."

“Original” Bearded hipsters swarm, bare tourists make it impossible to walk through the place and there's always some Dickhead with a stack of CD's tryna sell a mixtape. Heart warming smile from ear to ear, open and welcoming body language, no facial hair... Manipulative prick.

“Ay! Yo! Brudda...!”

It's awkward, Deeby and Chris have managed to walk past this guy.

“Brudda!” He shouts from 6 yards behind us.
That swarm of bearded guys and tourists make it impossible to walk any further.

The kind rapper pats Chris for his attention. “Shit.” he mutters.

“Brudda! How you gonna walk away from a Brudda like that?” he guilt trips...

“Why does he keep saying Brudda?” Deeby thinks to himself.
“You guys like Rap?”
“Here come's the pitch.” Deeby retorts.
“You a rapper?” Trying hard not to be a dickhead, Chris sounds like a top class Dickhead.

“How could you tell?” he says with a wit and charm.

“Everyone's a rapper. WE'RE bloody rappers...” Cool it, Deeby.
“Alright sweet. Lets drop some bars. Here. Now.”
“Only if you're any good.” Chris haggles.

“Deal.”

He drops some of the dopest bars you'll ever hear from a mixtape pusher on the street.
“Now it's your turn...”
You know that moment when someone does what you do so much better than you do and you immediately lose all confidence and question why you ever started doing what you do?

Well, that sorta happened to Deeby and Chris just then. They started spitting. They forgot they bars. They tried free styling. They flopped. Rap Crime #1. They performed it.

Treats 'em right for being such dickheads... Nominated.

Zero Progress Dickhead

You know what?

I think I'll tell you bout this nomination in the form of a Dickhead Poem.

Show Chris and Deeby up...

On the left there... that's Rich.

So there's this girl. She's kinda hot.

And there's this dickhead, who's kinda not.

And this dickhead had made a bet.

Chris reckons he's already in debt.

10 Grand he would have to miss.

If this girl, the Dickhead could not kiss.

2 Years is plenty of time

That kiss would feel sublime

And after the bet was clearly stated

The dickhead got straight up nominated

A Year flew by. The Dickhead looked slick

When Chris facebook raped him and liked all her profile pics.

This game was hilarious. Nothing like chess.

And funnier to know that he'd made Zero Progress.

Unless he pulls out the candle lit dinner and champagne

It looks like Rich might just get nominated again.

Zero Progress?! Dickhead. Nominated.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead Out

Dickhead Anecdote #15: Cut Out Chris

 

NOTE:: This anecdote is a continuation of the March Dickhead.

It's Cons' Birthday and it's halloween and he throws a house party and it's off the chain. 

Ultraviolet strobe lights, penthouse views and enough drink to drown a fish in.

Rich is the last one to turn up as usual; The boy's gonna be late to his own funeral, he's excuse'll be because he had to feed the cat or something but the truth will be because he desperately needed to finish watching Breaking Bad.

“You're going on the blog for this.” Chris threaten's Rich every time he turns up late for a gathering which means Chris threaten's Rich every time he turns up for a gathering.

Rich had learned to not let the threat get to him anymore. Nominations had to go through the Board of Directors at DOTY and in this moment nobody cared but Chris, everyone else was in awe of Rich's Adam West Batman outfit.

Hats off to him, he was the only one to get a round of applause as he walked through the door.

Later on in the party (but still relatively early, mind you) Chris is sat on the floor with his legs crossed, his head in his hands and his half full drink by his side, half empty if you really want to know how Chirs was feeling at the time. He was waved. Tidal waved, wavier then a Mexican Wave waved. He couldn't hack it no more. He went home.

“Where's Chris?” Rich inquired.
“He cut out.”
“Oi, If I keep getting nominated for turning up late he should get nominated for leaving early.”

I guess Chris' earlier comment got to him after all. Rich had a point though, Chris was the first to leave at many recent events but upon hearing his argument Deeby and Cons turn to each other and share a look that read “This is the perfect opportunity to aggravate Rich.”

“Naaaahhhh....” The two belter simultaneously.

Growing up in Central London, the gang are well aware of how over-rated a news years party on London streets can be and opt for a house party, unwilling to throw one they let Chris lead the way to his friends place whilst promising them that they'll be girls, a bouncy castle and, hold onto your hats, said girls on said bouncy castle. No brainer; Party of the year.

The gang agree to meet at Deeby's and trot together. Rich was late so they met him at the train station.

“You're going on the blog for this.” Chris threatened.

“Your MUM's going on the blog for this.” Rich replied, imaginatively.

It was a long way north on the Northern line and travelling an hour or more to get anywhere was considered really far away for these Dickheads.

“It'll be worth it.” Chris assured everyone.

To kill the time, the gang talk passionately about the amazing year they just had, they ponder who might win Dickhead of the Year and tell each other they love each other whilst ending every sentence with the words #NoHomo.

In that moment their mothers could have asked “If your gang jumped off a cliff would you join them?” and their reply would be “We ride together, we die together. We're the team. The gang. The Dickhead Gang!”

They get to the house party. Meh, there's a couple of girls. Shock Horror. There's no Bouncy Castle.

It's quarter to midnight, room has been made in the living room for a dance floor, nightclub speakers grace the corners and they also have a UV light. It's shit though. Deeby and Cons do everything they can to liven up the party before countdown but not long after they leave, except for Chris of course.

As they scour the streets of London, they turn various enemies into friends, talk to many girls and urinate on many trees (It's the next best thing after bouncy castles), having the time of their lives.

This also happened to be the same night this happened.

“...And Chris aint here.” Rich notes “Nomination?”

“Nah mate.” Cons laughs.

House party was nothing like this...

The gang's manager had organised a photoshoot with a professional photographer and in an attempt to keep himself looking just as professional, he orders the gang to turn up on time. Rich especially, after which the rest of the gang remind him to switch his clock back from Jamaica time.

It's the day of the photo shoot and Rich is on time.... Well, that shut everyone up. It was also a productive day, the crew had managed to stop off at the photographer's desired locations. Well, all except one. The one photo that had been spoken about never happened.

It was to be a gritty image of the gang stood in a shitty council estate whilst London's glorious glass towers, specifically the shard and the gherkin, loomed over them like the Eye of Sauron. A discussion on London's current state of inequality and political unrest. A photograph that could spark another nationwide riot and instigate a revolution.

“Nah, fuck it.” Chris said. “I'm meeting a mate later.” He left.

The gang were left speechless.

“Oi, I turned up on time for this." Rich declared, "Surely, he's going on the blog for this?”

“Yeah probably.” Deeby agreed as they watched him walk away

On the far left... That's Rich.

Top class Dickhead.

Dickhead Of The Year 2014 is...

DICKHEAD OF THE YEAR 2014

And the award goes to...

Yes, it took half of January to get the results in but there's a proper process, you know. Believe it or not we have independent adjudicators that judge each dickhead nomination with meticulous attention and cast their vote accordingly...

Well, don't you wanna know who won each month first? Read on...
(Click on the links to read the full nomination.)

January :: Chris: Pizza Dickhead

February:: Dona: Birthday Dickhead

March:: J-man: Racist Dickhead

April:: Rich: Betting Dickhead #2

May:: Rich: Phone Bill Dickhead

June:: Chris: Sleeping on the Beach Dickhead

July:: Deeby: Sister Dickhead

August:: Rich: Notting Hill Dickhead

September:: Rich: Time Zone Dickhead

October:: Chris: The “I Need Bed” Dickhead

November:: Cons: Elf Dickhead

December:: Chris: Dickhead Home Wrecker

Now, usually the prize goes to the most Dickhead worthy ACT of the year... but being dickhead's themselves, our independent adjudicators decided that by gaining such a high number of nominations, coming joint 1^st in the monthly count and even being the only person nominated in one month (August), Rich was by far the most talented Dickhead to take part in the competition.

Many Congratulations, Rich, Dickhead of the Year 2014.

Dickhead Of The Year 2015 to be revealed this time next year.

December Dickhead!!

IT'S 2015!!

All the Nominations for the 2014 Dickhead of the Year are in..
Well, almost. Don't forget December.
Only one Nomination. Check it.

Dickhead Home Wrecker!

Chris and the members of his Super Smash Bro's Fan Fiction club (I know, right? What a Geek) throw a christmas party. Turns out the sort of people that take part in this club vary from trendy art students to weird middle aged wankers, I mean bankers. 

That one in the middle is doin' yoga

Deeby is enjoying his night elsewhere with the rest of The Dickhead Gang and persistently rings Chris in the hope of getting him to join them. It's midnight when Deeby rings an obviously drunk Chris once more.

“Oi Chris, Where are ya?”
“Bruv.” The word slurred. “Mate, ” He continues to cry. “Aww mate.”

“What's happened?” Deeby asks.

“I got with someone from the club.”

“Yes, Chris!”

“No Deeby!”

“Why? Is she not hot?”

“Nah, she's hot. Really hot. Spanish. Tanned. Talented. An incredible writer...” (Geek), “And she plays Super Smash Bro's...” (Double Geek).

Errr... Wrong game, love.

In their drunken state, their exchange took a left turn as Deeby wanted to get on with his party. As a result, he never found out what Chris was being a baby about. The next day though, hanging like Mofo's...

“Oi Deeby, How was your party?”

“Mate, I'm mashed. Weren't as good as yours though, was it?”
“What? I don't remember anything.” Chris admits.

“Oh Shame,” Deeby chuckles. “Remember anything about making out with a Super Smashing Spanish Sista?”

“What?” Chris suddenly sounded very worried.

“Mate,” Deeby query's “What's wrong with her?”

“Nah, I didn't get with her, I couldn't have got with her.”

“Mate, What's wrong with her?”

“I was probably just drunk and hype when I told you that. I didn't get with her.”

“CHRIS!!”

“She's 40, married and has two kids.”

Is that a PS1?

Deeby let's that sink in...

“Shit, Chris. You're a home wrecker.”

“Nah, I didn't get with her.” Chris insists.

“You're a home wrecker, dude.”

“Trust me, I didn't get with her.”

“Is she hot?”

“Smoking... Fuck My Life. I might have got with her. Next week is gonna be so awkward.”

“Chris, do you remember anything from last night?”

“Very little.”

“Well, you better find out. If you didn't get with her, you're a dickhead for making that shit up, I mean, who does that? If you did, You're a dickhead home wrecker. And I really wanna find out which kind you are.

It's 2015. He never found out, so he's nominated for both.

Have a Dickhead 2015 y'all!!

Results for the 2014 Dickhead of the Year coming soon.

Dickhead Anecdote #14: Tinder Dickheads

Final Anecdote of the year y'all,
And to get in the christmas spirit we've done nothing.
Here's some shit we did on Tinder...

 

 

 

 

You know what though? Some girls were Dickheads back.
Sick tings. Look.

...
And this troll of a profile picture

Merry Xmas, Dickheads.

Dickhead Of The Year 2014 to be announced soon...

September Dickhead

September's over already?
Dickhead of the Year 2014 will receive their crown in about 3 months from today.
Mental. So who was a Dickhead in September?
Read on, init!

 

Re-union Dickhead

Earlier in the year, Kris was nominated for this (Click Here). August came and they still hadn't seen her. Dona must've felt bad about it, having Kris nominated for DOTY and everything 'cos she decided to organise a little reunion.
So doubtful that her efforts would be successful, Deeby, Chris and Pao place a bet with her.
“You pull this off, we'll give you a hundred quid. You don't, you give us a hundred quid. Everyone on this list must attend. You have 30 day's from now. Deal?”

“Deal.” Dona agrees.

The next few days was horrible. A barrage of questions about everyones availability, hobbies, interests and dietary requirements spewed out of the little indian like a Brick Lane curry out of Deeby's arse. With 2 days left till the event Dona continues to ask the boys for help organising the meet in between changing the date and time of the event.

On the day a few people arrive on time. Aks is an hour early as Dona failed to keep him up to speed, she then has a full on rant at Deeby like it was his fault and then believe or not.... Turns up late.

Hats off to her, she pulled it off.

But the hassle. Oh God, the hassle.
You're nominated, Dona!

Time Zone Dickhead

Rich lives in his own time zone. The man's gonna be late for his own funeral. Without his knowledge, the rest of the gang had begun using a system to get him where they wanted him, when they wanted him there and without causing themselves any inconvenience. It goes like this.

You say... “Hey Rich, I'll meet you at the station at 6:00”
He replies, “Alright mate, I'll see you there at 6:00.”
You get to the station at 7:00.
He meets you there at 7:02.

He apologises and spews out a couple of excuses, none of which you care about 'cos you always planned to meet him at 7:00 anyways.

Imagine Deeby's surprise when he had gone through the process above only for Rich to still be late.
“I bet you weren't even that busy,” Deeby argued “I bet you was doing something stupid like watching 24.”
Rich laughed “Yeah mate, I was.”
“But that's only like forty five minutes long. You're almost two hours late. It wouldn't make sense, not unless you watched two episodes of 24.”

Rich laughed some more “Yeah mate, I did.”
And the mystery as to why Rich is so late so often is solved.
He's a dickhead.

Big Mouth Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang roll down the streets of East London late on a Friday night 'cos they're hard and they'll have ya. No news there.
In the distance not so far ahead is a couple. A white man who's about seven feet tall and an asian woman who's roughly four feet tall (Height may or may not be exaggerated).
The entire gang notice the odd pairing, it's hard not to. What's easy to do is stay quiet. Their conversation was already stagnant, after all. While everyone else was thinking of ways to progress from the current silence in a humane manner. Chris decided to point them out and say “Errr man, that's some Human Trafficking shit right there.”
No, Chris. You're just a dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #11: Dam Bitch! (Part 3)

Hold up! Have you read Part 1 and Part 2? Nah? Well click on those links then come back init. 

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

          You like to...

           MOVE IT

Chris was expecting this exact song to be blaring amongst a myriad of scantily clad women dancing in carnival-esque fashion as we entered the Red Light District. He was sorely disappointed.

Rich was in heaven so he lead the way. Chris and Deeby were discussing the similarity’s between their current activity to a trip to the zoo, the conversation drifted towards the contemporary state of feminism and whether men should feel emasculated buying shower gel marketed at women. Meanwhile...

“Rich, this is the third time you've brought us to this street?” Deeby pointed out.

“This is the tranny street, man!” Chris added “Why d'you keep bringing us here? Is there something you want to tell us.”
“Nah man, I just keep getting lost. All these streets look the same.” Rich argues.

“Yeah, alright.” The others thought.

Did you hear about Lisa? She had her appendix taken out. Now, she's only a prostitute on the side.

Deciding to soak in some Dutch culture, the next day was spent at the Van Gogh Museum.

They smoke a few zoots first, of course. On the 1^st floor now, Rich gets groggy.

“Nah man, I need to sit down.” Rich exclaims.
“You alright, mate?” Chris is concerned.
“Yeah, you guys go check out the paintings, I'm just gonna sit here for a second.”
Chris and Deeby circle the floor and come back only to see Rich in the middle of the gallery passed out. Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight,” Deeby clarified. “Should we help him?”
“He ain't goin' anywhere.”
“Yeah, we'll come back in a bit or in an hour or two.”

That night, the not so nail-biting Argentina Holland world cup semi-final was on. Rich hyped about how amazing it was that were going to watch a Holland football match whilst in Holland (even though he had already fallen asleep watching the Germany Brazil game on the previous night), it was one of his main reasons for being here. Totally into the spirit of things, Deeby buys a bright orange Holland jacket whilst Chris looks for a Dutch pub. A wave of fans dressed in all orange chant and cheer in optimism. It's kick off. The whistle blows and Rich yells...

“COME ON YOU ARGIES!! SHOW HOLLAND HOW IT'S DONE!”

Chris, Deeby and about 5 or 6 Dutch patriots all turn their heads at him.

Deeby shakes his head at Rich. Chris has his head in his hands.

“What?!” asks Rich, oblivious.

What Chris sees when he's on truffles.

A new day... which means new drugs.
Truffles, the local delicacy, happened to be on the menu on that "Beer in the Park" kind of day. An hour after consumption Deeby wasn't feeling anything so decided to buy a sandwich from a nearby shop, Rich was chillin' off a teeny buzz but Chris was going to town. Sat on the grass, legs crossed like he does yoga and palms hovering over the floor, gently brushing blades of grass. He smiles like he's found the meaning of life.

When Deeby returned, the pair were both on their phones. “Oi Phone Whores,” He called “Bored of each other already?”
“He's on his phone being anti-social and not enjoying his holiday,” Chris began “So I wrote a poem about it.”

Chris' Poem: Rich in Dam

Rich is in dam, but is he here.
Nah. Not it Dam.

“And Phone whore number 2. Whats your excuse?”
“Aww I'm tellin you man, it's one of them ones,” Rich whimpered “You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time. I'm still get irritating messages from my auntie about being in Amsterdam. Why do they keep talking about Bitter Gold?”

“That's Peak times for you, init!” Deeby laughs. Beep Beep.
“Uh oh. Phone whore number 3.” Rich notes.

“Oh shit.” Deeby's stunned at his text.

“What?” Chris asks.

“Just got a message from Wumz. “So Sorry Adeeb. I messed up. I let it slip to your mum that you smoke weed. So so sorry. Hope you don't get in too much trouble.”

A beat of silence is quickly interrupted by immense hysterical laughter from Chris and Rich. They're in tears.
Chris can't help but say it once more... “Dickhead of the year goes to...”

Dam Bitch!

August Dickhead!

Another month equals another batch of Dickhead Stories..
August was a very special month for one very special dickhead.
Read on to get the scoop.


Notting Hill Dickhead

Look, Rich is dressed up and everyting.

Rich has a 1.5ltr bottle of coke and a whole bottle of vodka for himself. He takes a swig of the Vodka.
 

“Oh Shit. That's actually quite strong.” He notes to himself.

At this point, most people would probably pour a little of the vodka into the bottle of Coke.

Not Rich. With two shots of the vodka gone, Rich's bright idea was to weaken the bottle of vodka by filling it with coca cola.
For about half an hour, Rich was doing The Notting Hill Carnival right.
Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance. Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance.

It was 1:30 when it hit him.

Rich was struggling to stand up and Chris was determined to hit on this one Police Woman. So Chris did what any dickhead would do. He carried him around and left him to sit on a kerb or by a tree with his head in his hands. Of course, Chris wasn't getting very far and decided it'd probably be best to just get him home. On the underground now, which was a trek because the streets of Notting Hill were rammed, Rich's Dance, Drink, Drink, Dance routine seemed to have been replaced with something very different very quickly.
Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit. Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit.

Dickhead.

FIFA Dickhead

No, Not Sepp Blatter (Though we really oughta do an article on him at some point.)

“Nah mate, I'm pissed off at you.” Rich declares. “You got a target on your head. I wanna beat you like 9 or 10 nil.”

Deeby's not the best at Fifa. Before these series of events, he'd be the first to unashamedly admit that he's not very good but he'd make you work to win. So as you might have suspected, it was a massive shock when Deeby visited Rich's house for a Fifa Lads Night In, only to beat almost everyone in the house, Rich included. 4-1, bruv.

Deeby's skills came out of nowhere... as did Rich's vengeful fury.
“Not tonight, mate. Nah. It's one of them ones... I can't let that slide. We have an audience today. So I'm gonna beat you in front of all your mates.”
It was another Fifa Lads Night In, this time at Deeby's place.
87 Fifa minutes in. The game stands at 4-1 to Deeby. Nobody was expecting the scoreline to repeat itself. Rich had steam firing out of his ears. Deeby was in giggles. Then he scored again.

Rich holds his pride and cries...

“5-1, Rich! It's 5-1.” Deeby was in hysterics now. Even he couldn't believe it. “Awww mate. You look so pissed. This is so funny. Your brothers are never gonna believe this. No, I mean it. That ACTUALLY wont believe this. I'm gonna have to take a picture of the scoreline. Post it on instagram and facebook and tag 'em, otherwise they'll never see...”

Rich heard enough. In a single motion of panic and rage, he got up leapt forward and turned off the Xbox.
Sore Loser much? Dickhead.

Suspended Dickhead

Lidl Wayne

With beers and some new friends, the gang talk life ambitions and careers. It's at this moment that Rich drops his bomb shell.
“Yeah, I got suspended from my job for stealing?”
The room is in a stunned silence. They couldn't believe it. Rich was suspended for stealing.
“From where you work?” Chris clarifies. Rich nods.
“Lidl's?” Chris makes doubly sure. Rich nods again.
“You got fired from Lidl's?!”
It takes a special man to achieve such accolades and Chris is justified in asking three times.
Chilling with the boys that night was a mid 30's, hard talking beast of a cockney lad.
He's louder than Susan Boyle, big like Steve Austin and talks like Vinnie Jones. You don't fuck with him. He's good conscience couldn't ignore what Rich had just admitted and so... he began to share some wisdom with Rich. A troubled man with his head screwed back on right. He tells them the story of his dark past which included run in's with the police, a job loss or two and an addiction to cocaine.

His story is moving, inspirational and will probably become an Oscar raved biopic one day. He tells them that he's learnt from his mistakes and will never stoop to such lows ever again before ending his speech with a simple question.
“...So Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“No,” The room whispers “Say No. I will never steal from work again.” But that's not how Rich thinks.

“...So, Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“What? Somewhere shitty like Lidl? ...Yeah probably.”
Dickhead!

August Dickhead

Shit boy! Three Nominations in one month? And the ONLY one to be nominated? This calls for a nomination in itself! Rich, you truly are Dickhead of August 2014!

Dickhead Anecdote #10: Dam Bitch! (Part 2)

Woah Woah Woah,  wait a minute. If you ain't read Part 1 yet, go read that first. Done? Good.
As you were...

“We've spent 30 minutes in Holland. 20 of those minutes have been sat outside this toilet.” Deeby noted.

“He's definitely taking a shit.” Chris added.

Rich finally steps out of the toilet. Chris and Deeby applaud him. Rich has his hands in the air and his head hung in shame as he admits “I couldn't go, man. That was a lot.”

Chris and Deeby decide its best not to ask what that means and leave the airport.

“It's this train... Yeah, I'm pretty sure, it's this one... And this stop. We get off here... And then we get on this tram... Yep, yep. I definitely recognise this place. Let's get off here...”

“What you getting you camera out for?” Rich protested.

“'Cos we're in Dam, Bitch!” Deeby replied.

“You're pissing me off, we ain't even found a hostel yet, we've been walking about in the rain for hours, I wanna put my bags down and you're taking pictures! Let's find a fucking hostel, man.”
It was an hour or four after Rich humorously lost his shit that the gang finally got settled and found a coffee shop to jam in.

I've got that shirt.

After a zoot and a chat with two bright American girls, the gang finally started to feel like they were on holiday. Not a moment after the girls had left... “Which one would you bang?!” Urges Rich.
It's a legitimate question, just not one that should be asked moments before you spend 20 mins in the bathroom.
“He's not taking another shit, is he?” Deeby asks “He took one earlier.”
Chris pulled his trademark face. It read “That's grim!”

Halfway through another zoot, Rich's phone buzzes. “Awww fuckin' 'ell!” cries Rich.
“What?”
“Just got another message from my auntie”
“So?”
“Brother Richard.” he began “We love you. We care for you. Keep the Devil at bay. May marijuana taste like Bitter Gold. Love auntie. What the fuck, man? I bet my mum told her to send me that. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time.”

“I hear that,” Deeby agreed “And what are you doing? You've been on your phone for ages.”

“I just wrote a poem.” Chris explained.
“What?”
“Yeah, bruv. Just wrote a poem.”
Rich and Deeby burst into laughter. Rich, the first to gather his thoughts, eloquently says... “You're fucked, mate.”

How have they scored so many goals? ...And why haven't I cut my hair yet?

“We get to watch the World Cup in a foreign land.” Rich was excited, this was half his reason for visiting Amsterdam in the first place. “Germany vs Brazil today. Argentina vs Holland tomorrow. Yeeeeeah boy!” With him building so much hype, it came as a massive surprise when at half time of the Germany/Brazil game (Germany being 5-0 up), Rich decides to pack it in and pass out! Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight.” Deeby clarified.

Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”

Chris' Poem: Poetry

Is a poem when you're high really a poem.
Perhaps instead it is a Vision. Into the soul.
Being high is like a poem.

Poetry. 

Dam Bitch!
Part 3 coming soon.

Dickhead Anecdote #9: Dam Bitch! (Part 1)

“Just imagine undressing her down to her golden-laced thong... hidden amongst the stretch marks wrapped around her wrinkly and royal waist. Her boobs are soft and saggy but her nipples are interestingly hard. Oh and she's still wearing her crown 'cos then otherwise what's the point.”

Apparently, a 6 hour journey with Chris and Deeby can get so boring, the only interesting conversation left to be had is what it might be like to have sex with the queen.

“You'd have to stick a hoover or a duster up there first,” Rich continues “There's probably more cobwebs up there than in my attic.”

Deeby's close to vomiting, but Rich is getting a kick out of that. Until they had landed in mainland Europe, things weren't plain sailing for Rich.

Dayum Phillip!! Who's your friend?

The night before the flight, Rich's mum had him sat in the living room and was close to performing an exorcism (The previous exorcism had obviously not worked, but that's for another anecdote).
“The power of Christ compels you, Rich. The power of Christ compels you. May the devil leave your soul. May your holiday in Amsterdam be full of pain and anguish... And I pray the Weed tastes like Bitter Gold. Bitter Gold. BITTER GOLD!”

“Shit boy!” Say's Chris “Your mum weren't fucking around. That's a serious prayer.”
“I know, man. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back about it all the time.” For once, Rich was making sense. Chris and Deeby didn't bother arguing. “Anyways, back to the real problem,” He continued “Scope the place out, there must be a way.”

They were now at Southend airport. Rich was looking for “loopholes” in the airports security. “How to smuggle weed back into the UK?” No one had any real intention of doing so, it's just a question pondered by pretty much everyone that visits Amsterdam. No sharp objects, no explosives and No liquids, “Which is just as well,” Rich thought “They wouldn't be any help if you plan on smuggling back any ganja, if you know what I mean... I mean weed... You know, MARIJUANA.”
“Bloody 'ell, Rich. Would you keep your voice down. We're about to get our bags checked.” Deeby protested. He gives him a hand and puts Rich's bag in the tray.
“What's in your bag your, Rich? It's well heavy.”
“Oh yeah, I packed some Whey Protein Powders and other such products.” Rich says candidly.

“Why the fuck would you pack Whey Protein Powders?”
“Mate, don't grill me about this now. I think I'm still a little bit high.”
“Alright alright,” Deeby settles “Lets just get through security. We've got nothing to worry about anymore.”

Protein Powder. No Coke. Me Swear.

Chris and Deeby watch Rich wrangle with security from a distance as they empty the contents of his bag.
“No liquids, Rich. How hard is that?” Chris thought aloud. “That's the biggest bottle of Mouthwash I've ever seen. It would probably double as a flammable.”

“This is actually really funny to watch,” Deeby added “He really doesn't need this right now. He's still really high.”

“He's always high. I bet he was high when he packed.”

“We're not even in Amsterdam yet.” Deeby noted.
Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”



Dam Bitch!
Part 2 coming soon.