Dickhead Anecdote #15: Cut Out Chris

 

NOTE:: This anecdote is a continuation of the March Dickhead.

It's Cons' Birthday and it's halloween and he throws a house party and it's off the chain. 

Ultraviolet strobe lights, penthouse views and enough drink to drown a fish in.

Rich is the last one to turn up as usual; The boy's gonna be late to his own funeral, he's excuse'll be because he had to feed the cat or something but the truth will be because he desperately needed to finish watching Breaking Bad.

“You're going on the blog for this.” Chris threaten's Rich every time he turns up late for a gathering which means Chris threaten's Rich every time he turns up for a gathering.

Rich had learned to not let the threat get to him anymore. Nominations had to go through the Board of Directors at DOTY and in this moment nobody cared but Chris, everyone else was in awe of Rich's Adam West Batman outfit.

Hats off to him, he was the only one to get a round of applause as he walked through the door.

Later on in the party (but still relatively early, mind you) Chris is sat on the floor with his legs crossed, his head in his hands and his half full drink by his side, half empty if you really want to know how Chirs was feeling at the time. He was waved. Tidal waved, wavier then a Mexican Wave waved. He couldn't hack it no more. He went home.

“Where's Chris?” Rich inquired.
“He cut out.”
“Oi, If I keep getting nominated for turning up late he should get nominated for leaving early.”

I guess Chris' earlier comment got to him after all. Rich had a point though, Chris was the first to leave at many recent events but upon hearing his argument Deeby and Cons turn to each other and share a look that read “This is the perfect opportunity to aggravate Rich.”

“Naaaahhhh....” The two belter simultaneously.

Growing up in Central London, the gang are well aware of how over-rated a news years party on London streets can be and opt for a house party, unwilling to throw one they let Chris lead the way to his friends place whilst promising them that they'll be girls, a bouncy castle and, hold onto your hats, said girls on said bouncy castle. No brainer; Party of the year.

The gang agree to meet at Deeby's and trot together. Rich was late so they met him at the train station.

“You're going on the blog for this.” Chris threatened.

“Your MUM's going on the blog for this.” Rich replied, imaginatively.

It was a long way north on the Northern line and travelling an hour or more to get anywhere was considered really far away for these Dickheads.

“It'll be worth it.” Chris assured everyone.

To kill the time, the gang talk passionately about the amazing year they just had, they ponder who might win Dickhead of the Year and tell each other they love each other whilst ending every sentence with the words #NoHomo.

In that moment their mothers could have asked “If your gang jumped off a cliff would you join them?” and their reply would be “We ride together, we die together. We're the team. The gang. The Dickhead Gang!”

They get to the house party. Meh, there's a couple of girls. Shock Horror. There's no Bouncy Castle.

It's quarter to midnight, room has been made in the living room for a dance floor, nightclub speakers grace the corners and they also have a UV light. It's shit though. Deeby and Cons do everything they can to liven up the party before countdown but not long after they leave, except for Chris of course.

As they scour the streets of London, they turn various enemies into friends, talk to many girls and urinate on many trees (It's the next best thing after bouncy castles), having the time of their lives.

This also happened to be the same night this happened.

“...And Chris aint here.” Rich notes “Nomination?”

“Nah mate.” Cons laughs.

House party was nothing like this...

The gang's manager had organised a photoshoot with a professional photographer and in an attempt to keep himself looking just as professional, he orders the gang to turn up on time. Rich especially, after which the rest of the gang remind him to switch his clock back from Jamaica time.

It's the day of the photo shoot and Rich is on time.... Well, that shut everyone up. It was also a productive day, the crew had managed to stop off at the photographer's desired locations. Well, all except one. The one photo that had been spoken about never happened.

It was to be a gritty image of the gang stood in a shitty council estate whilst London's glorious glass towers, specifically the shard and the gherkin, loomed over them like the Eye of Sauron. A discussion on London's current state of inequality and political unrest. A photograph that could spark another nationwide riot and instigate a revolution.

“Nah, fuck it.” Chris said. “I'm meeting a mate later.” He left.

The gang were left speechless.

“Oi, I turned up on time for this." Rich declared, "Surely, he's going on the blog for this?”

“Yeah probably.” Deeby agreed as they watched him walk away

On the far left... That's Rich.

Top class Dickhead.

Dickhead Anecdote #13: The Whitest Boy Alive

So there's this Dickhead from Cambridge called Nangle that went uni with Aks.
It'd been a while since the two had last seen each other. A night out was long overdue. Reminiscent of the nights out during freshers; Ring of Fire, Chunder-Dragons and Fat Birds (These may or may not be drinking games).
The only thing you need to know about Nangle is that he's really white. No, I mean like mad white. Might just be the Whitest Boy Alive. His dancing can only be described as “Literally Lyrically Interpretative”. If a song were playing about drinking a cup of tea... he would mime drinking a cup of tea. Thing is Nicki Minaj's latest hit isn't about drinking a cup of tea.. we'll leave the dancing to your imagination.

Of course the whitest thing a guy can probably do is constantly tell a black person that they look like some other famous black person that they obviously don't look anything like. Aks and Deeby didn't get any of that on the night, probably 'cos they're mates... Can't say the same for all the black people in London's premier nightclub, Penthouse.

First victim.

“Dude, Carlton Cole is the “No Spray No Lay” guy in the mens toilet.” Nangle exclaims.

“What?” Aks cried. A sentence like that most definitely needed hearing again because this is a massive claim. One of the most respected players in English Premier League football? Only one of West Ham's top 20 first choice players... Was in Penthouse's toilet?... Being the “No Armani, No Punani” guy?
With how footballers act off the pitch nowadays, it certainly made for a plausible story.
“Go have a look if you don't believe me!” Nangle brags. The pair go to check.
It's not Carlton Cole. The guy doesn't even look like him. Turns out they're both Half-Nigerian.
“That must've been why I made the mistake” Nangle concluded.
“How diverse is Cambridge?” Deeby wandered.

Real African Hair

Second Victim

Whilst Aks was prowling the club doing his thing (Link Akramming) Deeby was doing well interacting with a girl who knew nothing about what he was saying. When she finally admitted she was French and in London to practice her English, Deeby decided to be a dickhead. He told her this lie.
“Nangle can speak French. Hey Nangle. Come over here.” Deeby hollered.
“You look like Jamelia!” Nangle opened.
Deeby had his head in hands but decided to let this one slide as he was in desperate need of a wingman whilst he went to the toilet.

Yes. The rabbit is necessary.

On his return, she was no where to be seen.

“Nangle! What happened?”
“Why did you tell her I could speak French?”

“What did you do?” Deeby was growing worried.

“I told her the only french word I knew... Bourbon. That's French, right?”
“And that's why she left?”
“Well No.” Nangle admitted, “She asked me to explain what it was.”
“And you said...?” Deeby knew what he said.

“It's brown on top. It's brown underneath and it's got a creamy filling,” Nangle finished. Deeby shook his head disappointment. “Was I wrong?” Nangle shrugged.

Third Victim

The trio finally make it to the top floor. The Funky House room. The Hip Hop room. The Bashment bend over and lemme see ya whine down low room. Aka... The Black Room.

Nangle screams...

“EVERYONE IN HERE LOOKS LIKE DANNY WELBECK!!”

I know, Danny. I know.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #12: Dickhead Teachers

Did you know that pretty much all (bar one or two people) of the Dickheads nominated on this blog went to the same secondary school? Maybe that’s why they’re all Dickheads? Could they have been influenced perhaps by the ones who taught them? Have a read about some of the Dickhead teachers they had and decide for yourself!

School

Wine Dickhead

Unfortunately, their graphics teacher wasn't a drunk, naked Cameron Diaz. Hollywood eh?

It’s Graphics class, and everyone’s almost finished the packaging they were designing for the past two years. Naturally people are gonna wanna bring in some products to see if their design works. One girl brings in an expensive looking bottle of wine for her box. A few Graphics lessons later…
The wine is gone! The Graphics teacher claims it simply went missing….
But Chris definitely saw him looking particularly merry during an after school Graphics class that week! Dickhead!

Tesco Dickhead

Being a teacher isn’t easy! Teaching classes all day, marking poorly written homework all night. How do they find the time for the things we all need to do: shopping for example. Well the maths teacher in the Dickhead Gang’s school found a way around it. 

“Class, please complete these exercises I’ve written on the board, I’ll be back shortly.”

Forty minutes later the lesson is almost over. Half the class just messed about due to lack of a teacher, some thought it was a good chance for a nap, but the students that actually bothered to complete the exercises start to wonder where the hell the teacher went. They look outside the window.
He’s loading Tesco shopping bags into his car. Dickhead!

Insulting Parents Dickhead

Your class is messing around, paper planes are travelling around the room, nobody is working, listening to you or acknowledging your authority. A standard science lesson in the Dickhead Gang’s school. This science teacher was so bad at controlling the class she had to call in another teacher. But not just any teacher! This teacher took no shit when it came to controlling a class. As soon as she walked into the class she exploded with...

"YOU ARE DUMB BECUASE YOUR PARENTS ARE DUMB!"

A stunned silence filled the room, and despite the fact that a teacher had just dissed all their parents, nobody dared to respond or even laugh until she had left the room! A controversial way to silence a class, but effective nonetheless.

With teachers like these, no wonder the Dickhead Gang turned out the way they are! Dickhead out!

Dickhead Anecdote #11: Dam Bitch! (Part 3)

Hold up! Have you read Part 1 and Part 2? Nah? Well click on those links then come back init. 

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

          You like to...

           MOVE IT

Chris was expecting this exact song to be blaring amongst a myriad of scantily clad women dancing in carnival-esque fashion as we entered the Red Light District. He was sorely disappointed.

Rich was in heaven so he lead the way. Chris and Deeby were discussing the similarity’s between their current activity to a trip to the zoo, the conversation drifted towards the contemporary state of feminism and whether men should feel emasculated buying shower gel marketed at women. Meanwhile...

“Rich, this is the third time you've brought us to this street?” Deeby pointed out.

“This is the tranny street, man!” Chris added “Why d'you keep bringing us here? Is there something you want to tell us.”
“Nah man, I just keep getting lost. All these streets look the same.” Rich argues.

“Yeah, alright.” The others thought.

Did you hear about Lisa? She had her appendix taken out. Now, she's only a prostitute on the side.

Deciding to soak in some Dutch culture, the next day was spent at the Van Gogh Museum.

They smoke a few zoots first, of course. On the 1^st floor now, Rich gets groggy.

“Nah man, I need to sit down.” Rich exclaims.
“You alright, mate?” Chris is concerned.
“Yeah, you guys go check out the paintings, I'm just gonna sit here for a second.”
Chris and Deeby circle the floor and come back only to see Rich in the middle of the gallery passed out. Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight,” Deeby clarified. “Should we help him?”
“He ain't goin' anywhere.”
“Yeah, we'll come back in a bit or in an hour or two.”

That night, the not so nail-biting Argentina Holland world cup semi-final was on. Rich hyped about how amazing it was that were going to watch a Holland football match whilst in Holland (even though he had already fallen asleep watching the Germany Brazil game on the previous night), it was one of his main reasons for being here. Totally into the spirit of things, Deeby buys a bright orange Holland jacket whilst Chris looks for a Dutch pub. A wave of fans dressed in all orange chant and cheer in optimism. It's kick off. The whistle blows and Rich yells...

“COME ON YOU ARGIES!! SHOW HOLLAND HOW IT'S DONE!”

Chris, Deeby and about 5 or 6 Dutch patriots all turn their heads at him.

Deeby shakes his head at Rich. Chris has his head in his hands.

“What?!” asks Rich, oblivious.

What Chris sees when he's on truffles.

A new day... which means new drugs.
Truffles, the local delicacy, happened to be on the menu on that "Beer in the Park" kind of day. An hour after consumption Deeby wasn't feeling anything so decided to buy a sandwich from a nearby shop, Rich was chillin' off a teeny buzz but Chris was going to town. Sat on the grass, legs crossed like he does yoga and palms hovering over the floor, gently brushing blades of grass. He smiles like he's found the meaning of life.

When Deeby returned, the pair were both on their phones. “Oi Phone Whores,” He called “Bored of each other already?”
“He's on his phone being anti-social and not enjoying his holiday,” Chris began “So I wrote a poem about it.”

Chris' Poem: Rich in Dam

Rich is in dam, but is he here.
Nah. Not it Dam.

“And Phone whore number 2. Whats your excuse?”
“Aww I'm tellin you man, it's one of them ones,” Rich whimpered “You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time. I'm still get irritating messages from my auntie about being in Amsterdam. Why do they keep talking about Bitter Gold?”

“That's Peak times for you, init!” Deeby laughs. Beep Beep.
“Uh oh. Phone whore number 3.” Rich notes.

“Oh shit.” Deeby's stunned at his text.

“What?” Chris asks.

“Just got a message from Wumz. “So Sorry Adeeb. I messed up. I let it slip to your mum that you smoke weed. So so sorry. Hope you don't get in too much trouble.”

A beat of silence is quickly interrupted by immense hysterical laughter from Chris and Rich. They're in tears.
Chris can't help but say it once more... “Dickhead of the year goes to...”

Dam Bitch!

Dickhead Anecdote #10: Dam Bitch! (Part 2)

Woah Woah Woah,  wait a minute. If you ain't read Part 1 yet, go read that first. Done? Good.
As you were...

“We've spent 30 minutes in Holland. 20 of those minutes have been sat outside this toilet.” Deeby noted.

“He's definitely taking a shit.” Chris added.

Rich finally steps out of the toilet. Chris and Deeby applaud him. Rich has his hands in the air and his head hung in shame as he admits “I couldn't go, man. That was a lot.”

Chris and Deeby decide its best not to ask what that means and leave the airport.

“It's this train... Yeah, I'm pretty sure, it's this one... And this stop. We get off here... And then we get on this tram... Yep, yep. I definitely recognise this place. Let's get off here...”

“What you getting you camera out for?” Rich protested.

“'Cos we're in Dam, Bitch!” Deeby replied.

“You're pissing me off, we ain't even found a hostel yet, we've been walking about in the rain for hours, I wanna put my bags down and you're taking pictures! Let's find a fucking hostel, man.”
It was an hour or four after Rich humorously lost his shit that the gang finally got settled and found a coffee shop to jam in.

I've got that shirt.

After a zoot and a chat with two bright American girls, the gang finally started to feel like they were on holiday. Not a moment after the girls had left... “Which one would you bang?!” Urges Rich.
It's a legitimate question, just not one that should be asked moments before you spend 20 mins in the bathroom.
“He's not taking another shit, is he?” Deeby asks “He took one earlier.”
Chris pulled his trademark face. It read “That's grim!”

Halfway through another zoot, Rich's phone buzzes. “Awww fuckin' 'ell!” cries Rich.
“What?”
“Just got another message from my auntie”
“So?”
“Brother Richard.” he began “We love you. We care for you. Keep the Devil at bay. May marijuana taste like Bitter Gold. Love auntie. What the fuck, man? I bet my mum told her to send me that. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time.”

“I hear that,” Deeby agreed “And what are you doing? You've been on your phone for ages.”

“I just wrote a poem.” Chris explained.
“What?”
“Yeah, bruv. Just wrote a poem.”
Rich and Deeby burst into laughter. Rich, the first to gather his thoughts, eloquently says... “You're fucked, mate.”

How have they scored so many goals? ...And why haven't I cut my hair yet?

“We get to watch the World Cup in a foreign land.” Rich was excited, this was half his reason for visiting Amsterdam in the first place. “Germany vs Brazil today. Argentina vs Holland tomorrow. Yeeeeeah boy!” With him building so much hype, it came as a massive surprise when at half time of the Germany/Brazil game (Germany being 5-0 up), Rich decides to pack it in and pass out! Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight.” Deeby clarified.

Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”

Chris' Poem: Poetry

Is a poem when you're high really a poem.
Perhaps instead it is a Vision. Into the soul.
Being high is like a poem.

Poetry. 

Dam Bitch!
Part 3 coming soon.

Dickhead Anecdote #9: Dam Bitch! (Part 1)

“Just imagine undressing her down to her golden-laced thong... hidden amongst the stretch marks wrapped around her wrinkly and royal waist. Her boobs are soft and saggy but her nipples are interestingly hard. Oh and she's still wearing her crown 'cos then otherwise what's the point.”

Apparently, a 6 hour journey with Chris and Deeby can get so boring, the only interesting conversation left to be had is what it might be like to have sex with the queen.

“You'd have to stick a hoover or a duster up there first,” Rich continues “There's probably more cobwebs up there than in my attic.”

Deeby's close to vomiting, but Rich is getting a kick out of that. Until they had landed in mainland Europe, things weren't plain sailing for Rich.

Dayum Phillip!! Who's your friend?

The night before the flight, Rich's mum had him sat in the living room and was close to performing an exorcism (The previous exorcism had obviously not worked, but that's for another anecdote).
“The power of Christ compels you, Rich. The power of Christ compels you. May the devil leave your soul. May your holiday in Amsterdam be full of pain and anguish... And I pray the Weed tastes like Bitter Gold. Bitter Gold. BITTER GOLD!”

“Shit boy!” Say's Chris “Your mum weren't fucking around. That's a serious prayer.”
“I know, man. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back about it all the time.” For once, Rich was making sense. Chris and Deeby didn't bother arguing. “Anyways, back to the real problem,” He continued “Scope the place out, there must be a way.”

They were now at Southend airport. Rich was looking for “loopholes” in the airports security. “How to smuggle weed back into the UK?” No one had any real intention of doing so, it's just a question pondered by pretty much everyone that visits Amsterdam. No sharp objects, no explosives and No liquids, “Which is just as well,” Rich thought “They wouldn't be any help if you plan on smuggling back any ganja, if you know what I mean... I mean weed... You know, MARIJUANA.”
“Bloody 'ell, Rich. Would you keep your voice down. We're about to get our bags checked.” Deeby protested. He gives him a hand and puts Rich's bag in the tray.
“What's in your bag your, Rich? It's well heavy.”
“Oh yeah, I packed some Whey Protein Powders and other such products.” Rich says candidly.

“Why the fuck would you pack Whey Protein Powders?”
“Mate, don't grill me about this now. I think I'm still a little bit high.”
“Alright alright,” Deeby settles “Lets just get through security. We've got nothing to worry about anymore.”

Protein Powder. No Coke. Me Swear.

Chris and Deeby watch Rich wrangle with security from a distance as they empty the contents of his bag.
“No liquids, Rich. How hard is that?” Chris thought aloud. “That's the biggest bottle of Mouthwash I've ever seen. It would probably double as a flammable.”

“This is actually really funny to watch,” Deeby added “He really doesn't need this right now. He's still really high.”

“He's always high. I bet he was high when he packed.”

“We're not even in Amsterdam yet.” Deeby noted.
Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”



Dam Bitch!
Part 2 coming soon.

Dickhead anecdote 8: Freshers

Freshers. A huge student night out. Everyone’s bought a ticket. It’s gonna be a MAD one.
You wouldn’t want to flop this kind of night out, would you? Well four Dickheads flopped left, right and centre. See how below:

Chris: No entry Dickhead

Pre-drinks for this kind of night out are a must... and they’re even better if you play a drinking game. The lads decide to play The Call of Duty (COD) drinking game. Here's the rules, a swig of beer every time you die, and two if you get stabbed. Unfortunately, Chris isn’t very good at the game…. He dies…. A LOT. 

Call of Duty: Classic Pissheads

POW, skip to a few hours later and Chris is excitedly jumping over one of the barriers to queue at the club. “You ain’t getting in, mate” says the bouncer. To make things worse, jumping the barrier wasn’t even necessary – Nobody was even in the queue yet! Dickhead!

Pao: KO’d Dickhead

Pao gets in to enjoy the night out, but not for very long! He gets into a fight he doesn’t even remember and is sent home in a taxi with a bloody nose. To this day he doesn’t remember what happened. Maybe he tried to move to someone’s girl? Maybe he spilt someone’s drink? Maybe he’s just a dickhead!

Bradley: Walking home Dickhead

Bradley notices that all his friends are gone! Chris didn’t get in and Pao disappeared, what’s the next logical thing to do? Go home. Walk. Why not? Makes sense. At least, it would if Bradley’s home was anywhere remotely near the club! This night out was in Hertfordshire and Bradley lives in London. Casually and drunkly walking along the motorway, Bradley truly believes he’ll get home. The police see him, stop him and escort him back to Pao’s house. Dickhead!

Meanwhile, Bradderz is like...

J: Window Dickhead

Props to J, he manages to stay in the club for the whole night. When it was clear Chris was never gonna get into the night of a lifetime, J gave Chris his home key. Of course, Chris decides to complicate matters by hitchhiking in someone else’s taxi and staying at another friend’s house. With Pao knocked out and unlikely to wake at the sound of a nuclear bomb and Bradley still experiencing his run in with the police, J is oblivious when he knocks on his front door as to why no one is answering.

J panics, how the hell is he going to get in? Simple: He jumps over the fence to the backyard, gets the ladder in the garden, climbs up to Pao’s window and….. REMOVES THE ENTIRE WINDOW. Literally, pulls the window out of it’s frame, climbs in and to goes to bed.

Yep, Pao sleeps through it all!

Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead aaaand Dickhead.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #7 :: Hula Hoop Dickhead

A beer in the park kind of day. Ice cream, water fights and sunshine. Deeby and Chris jam in a corner of the green green park as a European family hula hoop a couple of meters away.

“I really want to hula hoop,” Says Deeby, “I wander if I can still Hula hoop. I’m gonna ask them if I can have a go.”
“Don't, man.” argues Chris, “You'll embarrass me... and you... but me more so.”
“Nah, bruv, I won't. When I was about 10 I once decided to hula hoop all the way through break time just to see if I could. And I did. 'Cos my hips don't lie and I'm amazing.”
“Nah, man. Don't go up to them.” argues Chris.
“Don't act like you don't want a go. I see you looking at them.” 

 

It's true. He was staring at the hula hoop family (but not like creep. He's a Dickhead, not a creep). Chris was deep in thought. The image of a hula hoop had re-ignited a long lost dickhead memory.
About 2 years prior to that beer in the park kind of day, Dona had invited The Dickhead Gang over to her place to celebrate her birthday. 

 

Pao and Chris had decided to trot to Dona's place together.
“Did you get Dona a present?” asked Chris
“No, did you?” replied Pao
“Nah. We should get her something. She's gonna think we're bad friends.”
“We are, though.”
“Yeah but as long as she doesn't THINK we're bad friends, then we can continue to be bad friends.”
“I suppose.” Pao yielded, finding sense in Chris' argument. “Should we go back and buy her something?”
“Nah, we're like 5 minutes away from her house. I'm not gonna turn around. Let’s stop walking for a second.” They stop walking. “Look around you. What do you see?”
Pao 360's his current location. They're dead in the middle of a half-run down council estate, next to a Primary School.
“I see flats, parked cars and rubbish. Bags and bags of rubbish.”
“I see a hula hoop. It's perfect.”

It's true. He was staring at a hula hoop. One so conveniently placed for the dustbin men to collect, along with other toys from the Primary School that had withered away at the hands of children for years and years, ready to be melted plastic and laid to rest like Woody and Buzz Lightyears worst nightmare. The toys stank.
“Dona's gonna love this.” smiled Chris.

They rock up to Dona’s birthday party with huge grins and hand her the hula hoop. A confused looking Dona accepts the gift, and tries to act grateful despite being baffled!

“We paid like £15 for that gift! You better like it!” Chris argues. Dickhead!

“That was over 2 years ago.” Deeby reminded him on that beer in the park kind of day. “You reckon she's still has it?”
“Only one way to find out.” Chris produces his phone.

“Well, whilst you're being a phone whore...” Deeby walks to the European hula hooping family and asks to hula hoop with them (but not like creep. He's a Dickhead, not a creep).
“Thrust the hips,” Deeby reminds himself “It's all in the hips.”
And so he thrusts and thrusts and thrusts and... “Hey Chris, check it out!” Deeby exclaims, “I still got it!”
“I know,” Chris laughs “... So does Dona!”

For the record Deeby hula hoops like this. 

 

And Chris hula hoops like this. 
 

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #3 :: Spilling Drinks

So Chris and Aks are on a night out in central, going H.A.M. to Jay-z songs as you do.
Some drunk guy notices this and starts talking to them, saying he had only just turned 18 and he hadn't been clubbing much.
Most people might have told him to go away, but Chris and Aks are drunk and social dickheads.
After they said they were in final year of Uni and had been doing this for three years he was amazed.
"What a weird kid" they thought.
Then he asked them how to talk to girls. Again, most people would have told him to go away. Not Chris and Aks.

"Challenge accepted" they thought as they walked over to a table with two girls.
Chris sat down and just as he opened his mouth to talk... it happened.
Aks attempts to sit down. Either due to clumsiness or drunkeness, he bumps the table and spills both girl's drinks.
Disaster! Even the kid who asked them how to talk to girls had disappeared.
There's no coming back from this one.

"Crying over spilt milk? No. Get the pussy a drink!"

...BUT THERE IS.
"I'll buy you new ones" Aks says, leaving Chris with the girls.

Somehow it actually started to go well. They didn't seem pissed, probably due to Aks' promise. The conversation was going well.
Being the dickhead he is, Chris was at that point, deciding which of them he'd move to and which Aks could take.
Little did Chris know what was about to happen!

At the bar, Aks asks how much the drinks are.
"What?!" Aks says after hearing the price. "Nah it's ok" he says after the bartender repeats the price of the over-expensive drinks.
This is probably where we should mention, Chris' phone had died earlier that night. iPhone battery life is not the one!
Anyway, wanting to avoid an awkward situation Aks texts Chris these exact words...
 

"Allow the drink prices, let's go".

Of course, Chris has no way of receiving this text.
After about 20 minutes of waiting around Aks comes to his senses and walks over to the table. Confidently (and probably not even sorry), he says...

"I don't have any money...."

Aks doesn't have any money.

The girls look pissed. All potential chance of getting with them is gone. Immediately Chris stands and leaves. Aks follows swiftly.
Neither look back... because, well, there's no coming back from this one.

Well done Aks!

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #2 :: Are you gonna bang doe?

Night out. 3rd night in a row.
Why? 'Cos you're a dickhead.
Let's not lie to ourselves, regular human beings don't do that.

By the third night, you'd wanna try and make things a bit more interesting for yourself, right? What do you do? Invite more friends out? Take a girly home for the night? Party all night and watch the sun rise?

Not if you're Deeby or Chris.

Chris: Let's go to the smoking area.
Deeby: Why? We don't smoke.
Chris: We could start our own Anti-Smoking Campaign.
Deeby: Yeah, that's a good idea.

Think you look sexy?... No. Lung cancer.

Without the thumping music it seems that everyone can hear each other a little clearer. Chris overhears a couple arguing over something minuscule.  The saint that he is, he decides to defuse the situation...

Chris: Listen yeah!! You ain't gonna bang her. She ain't gonna bang you. You ain't gonna bang him and he ain't gonna bang you.

They stare at him, stumped. Chris continues...

Chris: Are you gonna bang, though?!

The couple look at their company, seething. They walk in opposite directions.

MEANWHILE...

A young lad approaches Deeby.

Young Lad: Excuse me, mate. You a got a lighter for me fag?

Deeby looks at the young lad and shakes his head disapprovingly.

Deeby: Nah man, smoking's bad for you. You shouldn't smoke.

Dickheads.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #1

On a night out Chris see's a girl wearing a French Beret.

He walks across the room and says to her...

“Are you French or a hipster?”

She replies,

“I'm Lebanese”

Chris say's...

“Oh.”

...And walks away.

Reminiscing the awkward event later on, Chris talks of his experience saying...

“I literally had nothing to say to her unless she was French or a Hipster.

The Lebanese thing was so unexpected that I just walked off.”

Well done, Chris.

Dickhead out.