JULY DICKHEAD

Is it August already?
Alright then.
Here's a couple of things that happened in July.

Lost in Dam Dickhead

So it's the first night of the Dickhead's Annual Adventure's in Amsterdam. With Chris being a Cut Out and Rich Cutting out (Yes, there's a difference) it was up to Cons, Deeby, Kai, Adam and The Instigator to turn shit up.

Straight off the plane and into a coffee shop. Hostel was booked in advance, no need to rush (Unlike the 10pm curfew set by that prick Erika from AirBnB. That story's here). Navigating yourself through a major city in a different country shouldn't be met with so much confidence, especially when said country has legalised substances such as psilocybin and you're the dickhead munching 'em like Nik-Naks.

Deeby's been here twice before, “It's no biggie” he thinks to himself but they've circled the Ajax Stadium three times now. Still lugging about their luggage and staring at the screenshot off of google maps on an iPad at one in the morning... some might say these tourists were vulnerable.

Zoot in the mouth, couple shots in the liver, nobody know's which way is up... Deeby would say these tourists were invincible.

No. Really. These guys were lost.

“THIS WAY!” Deeby commands.

“Nope, we've been following your directions for an hour. I'm done.” The Instigator had enough.

“Correction, that friendly driver's directions.”
“Not being funny, but he's banged up Peugeot was missing a head light, it smelt like it had a dead body in the back and the guy tried reaching for Adam's iPad.”

Adam snatched his iPad back rapid.

15 minutes later, checked in and cosy. Deeby's penny dropped. 

“I just realised, that dickhead in the car pointed us in the wrong direction.” 

“I just realised,” Adam retorted, “You're probably gonna get nominated.”

He weren't wrong.

Deeby's Dickhead Statement

Beer in the park kinda day. The gang are out and about. Brick Lane to Bethnal Green, Bethnal Green to Vicky Park. They chat shit, smack talk and make too many not so politically correct jokes. Also Deeby was giving people wet willies that day. Sneaking up behind Cons, he charges at the unsuspecting victim with a lionesses prowess. Ready... Set... ATTACK!!

But Cons was ready. He ducks for dear life and swipes away Deeby's arm with Tai Chi finesse!

“Allow it, Deeby! Why are you always trying to give someone a wet willy? I bet that's what you like to do. I bet that's what gets you off in your fantasies. You walk about town getting orgasms from sticking your wet fingers in their ears. I bet you stick your finger up your arse hole first n'all.”

Quite proud of himself, Cons decided to repeat that last line once or twice more.

“Yeah.. haha. You stick your finger up, find your g spot, give it wriggle, then stick your finger in your mouth AND THEN stick your finger in their ear. You're grim man.”

Ok maybe four or five more times. Who'd have known... Deeby flipped out!

“YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I DO. I STICK MY FINGER UP MY ARSE, THEN I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, THEN I STICK IT IN YOUR EARS!!”

Besides the fact that that was such a dickhead statement to make. To scream it out in anger so that people up in Mare St could hear ya was beyond the dickhead decibel count. You're getting Nominated.

Cons Dickhead Statement

After the madness that ensued over Deeby's last statement had diffused, Cons decided to put a full stop to the situation with this one sentence.

“Deeby would stick shit into a jap's eye.”

What? Kmt. Dickhead.


Grad Party Dickhead

New Dickhead to tell ya about today.

Technically not a member of the Dickhead Gang, she's hung out with the crew enough times to warrant a nomination if deserved and well, here's her story.

Gronz just graduated. “Well done and all that,” Chris began, “When's the grad party?”

She wasn't really planning on throwing a party but dickhead's know how to peer pressure.
“Fuck me, I've gotta throw a party now.” She thinks to herself in an irish accent; She's Irish. “Nah, I'd rather go out.”

The pre-drinks at was at her place then. The kitchen and living room were packed, bowl of punch on the table, is that a cake? She's done this before. Or so she would have us believe.

“Chocolate?” asked Chris.
“What?” Gronz was baffed.
“The Cake.”
“Oh,” Gronz nudged nudged and winked winked. “That's a 'special' cake!”
“Yep.” “Send me some of that.” “And me!” … The gang grab a slice each. Only one, though. They were gonna go out, remember? Gronz was thinking differently, though.
“I've had a couple of slices but I cant feel anything.” she admitted.
“Oh no, don't do that.” Chris says with very little urgency as she scoffs down three more slices.

The night out was incredible. Mans got wasted. Girls got pulled. Girls got wasted. Mans was fooled. They laughed. They drank. They were merry.
Well, I say “they”. Not Gronz. Them five slices hit her in five minutes and she was out for five hours.

It was HER bloody graduation party n'all and now she's just graduated into Dickhead of the Year.
The Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead Anecdote #10: Dam Bitch! (Part 2)

Woah Woah Woah,  wait a minute. If you ain't read Part 1 yet, go read that first. Done? Good.
As you were...

“We've spent 30 minutes in Holland. 20 of those minutes have been sat outside this toilet.” Deeby noted.

“He's definitely taking a shit.” Chris added.

Rich finally steps out of the toilet. Chris and Deeby applaud him. Rich has his hands in the air and his head hung in shame as he admits “I couldn't go, man. That was a lot.”

Chris and Deeby decide its best not to ask what that means and leave the airport.

“It's this train... Yeah, I'm pretty sure, it's this one... And this stop. We get off here... And then we get on this tram... Yep, yep. I definitely recognise this place. Let's get off here...”

“What you getting you camera out for?” Rich protested.

“'Cos we're in Dam, Bitch!” Deeby replied.

“You're pissing me off, we ain't even found a hostel yet, we've been walking about in the rain for hours, I wanna put my bags down and you're taking pictures! Let's find a fucking hostel, man.”
It was an hour or four after Rich humorously lost his shit that the gang finally got settled and found a coffee shop to jam in.

I've got that shirt.

After a zoot and a chat with two bright American girls, the gang finally started to feel like they were on holiday. Not a moment after the girls had left... “Which one would you bang?!” Urges Rich.
It's a legitimate question, just not one that should be asked moments before you spend 20 mins in the bathroom.
“He's not taking another shit, is he?” Deeby asks “He took one earlier.”
Chris pulled his trademark face. It read “That's grim!”

Halfway through another zoot, Rich's phone buzzes. “Awww fuckin' 'ell!” cries Rich.
“What?”
“Just got another message from my auntie”
“So?”
“Brother Richard.” he began “We love you. We care for you. Keep the Devil at bay. May marijuana taste like Bitter Gold. Love auntie. What the fuck, man? I bet my mum told her to send me that. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time.”

“I hear that,” Deeby agreed “And what are you doing? You've been on your phone for ages.”

“I just wrote a poem.” Chris explained.
“What?”
“Yeah, bruv. Just wrote a poem.”
Rich and Deeby burst into laughter. Rich, the first to gather his thoughts, eloquently says... “You're fucked, mate.”

How have they scored so many goals? ...And why haven't I cut my hair yet?

“We get to watch the World Cup in a foreign land.” Rich was excited, this was half his reason for visiting Amsterdam in the first place. “Germany vs Brazil today. Argentina vs Holland tomorrow. Yeeeeeah boy!” With him building so much hype, it came as a massive surprise when at half time of the Germany/Brazil game (Germany being 5-0 up), Rich decides to pack it in and pass out! Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight.” Deeby clarified.

Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”

Chris' Poem: Poetry

Is a poem when you're high really a poem.
Perhaps instead it is a Vision. Into the soul.
Being high is like a poem.

Poetry. 

Dam Bitch!
Part 3 coming soon.