AUGUST DICKHEAD (Part 1)

Yeah, you read that right.
So much dickhead shit went down in August.
Which means we're doin' these blogs in parts.
 

Dickhead Photographer

It was a classic dickhead “Beer in the park” kind of day. Drinks, girls and a football. Summer in London is gorgeous. It was in that moment that life was made. Sat in a circle in the middle of the park, the crew ate drank and got merry. A little too merry maybe.

Note: Never google "Voyeur Photography"

Sat on the floor with his elbows rested on his knees and his phone in his hands, Rich was quiet. One would assume he was just sending a text.
FLASH. FLASH.

The back of the phone was pointed at Nads. She had to ask. “Dude, did you just take a picture of me?”

''Err no.” Rich denied quickly

“Liar.” Cons confirmed even quicker.

“Everyone just saw you, bro” Deeby added.
Rich quickly takes another photo.
“It was a picture of The Instigator.” Rich shows him.
“Sorry Rich, not foolin' me.”

“It was for snapchat.” Rich argued.

“Oh we all know it was for the wank bank.”

Nads shuddered, “Errr Thanks, Deeby.”

Then there was a pause.

“Well, this is awkward.” Adam added, “Nomination?”

Read our minds.

Dickhead Dona... Again.

Dropped your Ice Cream?

So like this occasion and this occasion Dona attempted to organise a catch up with the crew. Conscience of the fact that she might end up being nominated if she screwed up, she was determined to prove to everyone that she CAN organise a simple meet up and that deep down, she really DOES care about her friends.

Only... It finally hits 4:00 on that sunny august Saturday and she never got round to inviting Aks 'cos she'd assumed that Deeby would do it since they're brothers. Aware of her tendencies to take the lazy way out, Deeby says “No. You're doing this. 'Cos you're a man.” She's not... for the record.

Outside the Ice Cream place is Chris and Pao. Deeby never turned up, he got the feeling Dona would flop. Dona wasn't there. She was mad late.

Chris had sat in silence shooting Dona evils over his bowl of melted Ice Cream. Getting uncomfortable, she chose to engage in small talk. 

“You haven't touched your food.”
“How are you gonna be an hour late for an event YOU organised?” Chris flipped.

“Oh c'mon, I said I'm sorry already.”

“This happens too often, Dona. There's gotta be a line somewhere.” Pao was good cop.

Dona gandered at her watch and sighed. “I wish I could make it up to you but I gotta go.”
“WHAT?!” Chris flipped, “You just got here.”

“I have to be a party to be at.” Dona implored.

“That explains why your face is powdered in make up and why you were late.” Pao noted.

“PARTY?! This IS your party.”

“There's only three of us, dude.” Pao added.

Dona stood to leave, clasped her hand on his chin, glanced at him through her sad eyes, eyes that said “I'm sorry.”

Chris looked deep into her eyes, to him her eyes read “Suck my dick.” She's not got one... for the record.

...And then she left. Dickhead.

“This your drink?” Dickhead

Drink Responsibly.

Wanda and Chlo have rolled with the gang on many occasions. They know how the Dickheads roll. Bad behaviour gets you named and shamed. Nonetheless, she saw the opportunity and she took it.

Deeby's yard was rammed. Successful house party.

Those who make it past 3am are usually faced with an unfortunate realisation.

“This beer yours?” Wanda asks the nearest stranger. He shakes his head. “Beer? This anyone's beer?” Ignored, she shrugs and reaches for the bottle opener.

“If you're gonna get a white wine get a Moscato, It'd be perfect for a time like this.” Adam, the Dickhead's wine connoisseur was educating Chlo. “You said you like fruity wine, right?”

“Yeah. Is it sweet?” Chlo was interested.

“Sometimes. It's more Musky.”

“Whoever's Hennessey’s this is... I'm nicking a bit.. Is that OK?” Wanda didn't get a reply. “Awesome, thanks.”

“Are you supposed to have it with food?”
“Actually, it doesn't pair well with food,” Adam informed “Which is why I like it. Just drink and get fucked.”

“You're very cultured, aren't you?” Adam blushes and accepts the compliment. “So what's that you're drinking now?” Chlo wonders.

“Lambrini.”

Wanda see a little bottle of red on the kitchen counter. She picks it up, raises it in the air and opens her mouth to make an announcement. It's clear no one is going to pay her attention. “Fuck it.” She thinks to herself. “I'm drinking from the bottle.”

“I cant believe I finished my drinks already?” Chlo wondered. “I could have sworn I had more.”

Sufficiently inebriated, she decides to stop complaining.

“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” Wanda butts in.

“There's my wine!” Chlo shouts in shock, loud enough for most people to hear over the music.

The drunk crowd “Oooh” and “Aaaah” like a live audience out of a sitcom in an attempt to add fuel to the fire.

“But... but.. I've been drinking everyone's drink.”

The drunk crowd “Aww” and “Boo” like they were watching a pantomime. Adam shakes his head at her... “Don't admit it, you Dickhead.”

Nominated.

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled.
Part 2 coming soon.

Dickhead out.

FEBRUARY DICKHEAD

February just finished.

And it's a birthday special.

That's right both nominees got their nominations... On their Bday.

Did the kids in the dickhead stock photo below have to be asian? Yeah, I'll make it work...

Dickhead Stock Photo

 

This time last year, Dona was nominated for organising herself a birthday ting and then parring of dickheads.

So this year she tried to make amends. She texts the gang...

“Hey, it's my birthday soon.
Wanna come for a dinner?”

Probably still bitter about the previous year most of the gang are like...

“Nah. Got better things to do.”

All except one. Chris, the sweetheart that he is, actually agrees to turn up.

Still unsure about actual details. i.e.: When and where should they meet, he messages Dona.
Dona blanks Chris until two hours after the event was supposed to start.

Of course, Chris ain't there. He got parred.

Dickhead move, Dona. Nice one.

It was at the bowling alley, that time Deeby got nominated for doing this (Bowling Dickhead)... Even though he's a black dude called Rich, during January last year Rich couldn't understand why a Chinese guy could be called Jeremy.

2^nd to what Deeby did, it became all Rich could talk about for the next couple of weeks.

Was he drunk? Not even a little bit. Does he even like Jeremy? He's partial. Was he being racist? Definitely.

The Dickhead year had flown by and the age old legend that was “Chinese Jeremy from the bowling Alley” remained in their memories. To nobody's surprise, he no longer works at the bowling... Or does he?

It's Rich's Birthday so the Lads go bowling again (Yeah, that's right. Rich got nominated on his birthday 'cos...¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Dickheads). The technical issues that always happens 'cos bowling alley's are shit, happens, so Deeby calls over a steward. The steward is chinese. Whilst in the middle of explaining what the issue seems to be Rich catches the steward in his peripheral vision and begins to shout.

“Jeremy?! Jeremy, is that you?! OMG it fuckin' is!
Waaaaaaaayyyyy, everyone look it's Jeremy. You alright mate?...”

Then the penny drops...

“...Wait... You're... You're not Jeremy, are ya? Wait, Yes you are? No, you're not.
What's your name?”

Deeby glances at the stewards name badge? “It's Jason.”

“Oh.” Rich hangs his head.

There's an awkward silence as Jason leaves.

The Dude is not impressed.

Turns out it's alright if you're chinese and called Jason... or maybe Rich had finally learnt it's not a big deal. He's still a Dickhead though.

Told ya I'd make the Dickhead stock photo work.



Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Of The Year 2014 is...

DICKHEAD OF THE YEAR 2014

And the award goes to...

Yes, it took half of January to get the results in but there's a proper process, you know. Believe it or not we have independent adjudicators that judge each dickhead nomination with meticulous attention and cast their vote accordingly...

Well, don't you wanna know who won each month first? Read on...
(Click on the links to read the full nomination.)

January :: Chris: Pizza Dickhead

February:: Dona: Birthday Dickhead

March:: J-man: Racist Dickhead

April:: Rich: Betting Dickhead #2

May:: Rich: Phone Bill Dickhead

June:: Chris: Sleeping on the Beach Dickhead

July:: Deeby: Sister Dickhead

August:: Rich: Notting Hill Dickhead

September:: Rich: Time Zone Dickhead

October:: Chris: The “I Need Bed” Dickhead

November:: Cons: Elf Dickhead

December:: Chris: Dickhead Home Wrecker

Now, usually the prize goes to the most Dickhead worthy ACT of the year... but being dickhead's themselves, our independent adjudicators decided that by gaining such a high number of nominations, coming joint 1^st in the monthly count and even being the only person nominated in one month (August), Rich was by far the most talented Dickhead to take part in the competition.

Many Congratulations, Rich, Dickhead of the Year 2014.

Dickhead Of The Year 2015 to be revealed this time next year.

September Dickhead

September's over already?
Dickhead of the Year 2014 will receive their crown in about 3 months from today.
Mental. So who was a Dickhead in September?
Read on, init!

 

Re-union Dickhead

Earlier in the year, Kris was nominated for this (Click Here). August came and they still hadn't seen her. Dona must've felt bad about it, having Kris nominated for DOTY and everything 'cos she decided to organise a little reunion.
So doubtful that her efforts would be successful, Deeby, Chris and Pao place a bet with her.
“You pull this off, we'll give you a hundred quid. You don't, you give us a hundred quid. Everyone on this list must attend. You have 30 day's from now. Deal?”

“Deal.” Dona agrees.

The next few days was horrible. A barrage of questions about everyones availability, hobbies, interests and dietary requirements spewed out of the little indian like a Brick Lane curry out of Deeby's arse. With 2 days left till the event Dona continues to ask the boys for help organising the meet in between changing the date and time of the event.

On the day a few people arrive on time. Aks is an hour early as Dona failed to keep him up to speed, she then has a full on rant at Deeby like it was his fault and then believe or not.... Turns up late.

Hats off to her, she pulled it off.

But the hassle. Oh God, the hassle.
You're nominated, Dona!

Time Zone Dickhead

Rich lives in his own time zone. The man's gonna be late for his own funeral. Without his knowledge, the rest of the gang had begun using a system to get him where they wanted him, when they wanted him there and without causing themselves any inconvenience. It goes like this.

You say... “Hey Rich, I'll meet you at the station at 6:00”
He replies, “Alright mate, I'll see you there at 6:00.”
You get to the station at 7:00.
He meets you there at 7:02.

He apologises and spews out a couple of excuses, none of which you care about 'cos you always planned to meet him at 7:00 anyways.

Imagine Deeby's surprise when he had gone through the process above only for Rich to still be late.
“I bet you weren't even that busy,” Deeby argued “I bet you was doing something stupid like watching 24.”
Rich laughed “Yeah mate, I was.”
“But that's only like forty five minutes long. You're almost two hours late. It wouldn't make sense, not unless you watched two episodes of 24.”

Rich laughed some more “Yeah mate, I did.”
And the mystery as to why Rich is so late so often is solved.
He's a dickhead.

Big Mouth Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang roll down the streets of East London late on a Friday night 'cos they're hard and they'll have ya. No news there.
In the distance not so far ahead is a couple. A white man who's about seven feet tall and an asian woman who's roughly four feet tall (Height may or may not be exaggerated).
The entire gang notice the odd pairing, it's hard not to. What's easy to do is stay quiet. Their conversation was already stagnant, after all. While everyone else was thinking of ways to progress from the current silence in a humane manner. Chris decided to point them out and say “Errr man, that's some Human Trafficking shit right there.”
No, Chris. You're just a dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

July Dickhead

Is it August already?!

Alright then.
Here are July's Dickheads.

Sister Dickhead

Dickhead Deeby with a Dickhead Desk

Dona is a well known social media dickhead. Snapchatting photo's of her feet, assuming Chris would be in China 'cos he posts a Picture the Great Wall on his facebook page and selfies. Bare selfies! #MirrorFlex. So partly to get back at her for being so digitally irritating and partly for shits and giggles, there's this thing The Dickhead Gang do. Every now and then Dona will post a selfie with her sister or one of her bae's or some shit. Then usually one of the boys will take the opportunity to get on her nerves with a simple comment...

“Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”

This usually sparks some "comment banter" with Dona saying something like “Take a hike, my sister would never stoop to your level, stop trying to add her on facebook, once is enough” etcetera etcetera...
Of course, this doesn't stop the dickheads from writing the above comment.
We must also inform you of Dona's height. Standing at a gigantic 4ft tall, people often tower a few heads higher than her when posing for pictures (even if she's wearing heels). I feel it must also be said that Dona is not a dwarf or a hobbit or anything, she just bare short.

So, when a new photo emerges on Facebook of Dona with a brand new bae towering two heads higher than her.... Deeby's natural response is “Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”
That day he was shot down as her reply was “My 14 year old baby sister.”

Awkward...

Airport Dickhead

“If we were to smuggle weed back from Amsterdam,” Rich began “This is how we'd do it.”
It had already been an eventful morning. We'd had to get up at 4:30 to catch our flight, we'd racked up a £20 parking ticket for a 5 minute stop and was held in the bagging area 'cos Rich had packed unnecessary bottles of liquids amongst other vital stuff such as protein shakes and exercising shit... cos you know, Rich is ripped to shreds.

Protein shakes blad!

Showing our passports as we board, you'd think they'd be topics of conversation to avoid. Anything about weapons, explosives and drugs... right? Well not if you're Rich.

A “warm up zoot” in the car on the way to the airport to get on a plane to amsterdam seemed apt. “Let's get this party started!” they thought. Now at the airport in front of the woman who looks at your passport to see if you're legit, Rich begins... “They don't keep security in that corner of the airport...”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“I don't even see any sniffer dogs either.”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“Aww mate,” Rich giggles. “I'm still high.”

Deeby passes the steward his passport and holds his head in his hands.

Who d'you think won this month? Comment below.

Also, keep your ear's peeled. A lot happened at the Netherlands.
Amsterdam Anecdotes coming soon.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #7 :: Hula Hoop Dickhead

A beer in the park kind of day. Ice cream, water fights and sunshine. Deeby and Chris jam in a corner of the green green park as a European family hula hoop a couple of meters away.

“I really want to hula hoop,” Says Deeby, “I wander if I can still Hula hoop. I’m gonna ask them if I can have a go.”
“Don't, man.” argues Chris, “You'll embarrass me... and you... but me more so.”
“Nah, bruv, I won't. When I was about 10 I once decided to hula hoop all the way through break time just to see if I could. And I did. 'Cos my hips don't lie and I'm amazing.”
“Nah, man. Don't go up to them.” argues Chris.
“Don't act like you don't want a go. I see you looking at them.” 

 

It's true. He was staring at the hula hoop family (but not like creep. He's a Dickhead, not a creep). Chris was deep in thought. The image of a hula hoop had re-ignited a long lost dickhead memory.
About 2 years prior to that beer in the park kind of day, Dona had invited The Dickhead Gang over to her place to celebrate her birthday. 

 

Pao and Chris had decided to trot to Dona's place together.
“Did you get Dona a present?” asked Chris
“No, did you?” replied Pao
“Nah. We should get her something. She's gonna think we're bad friends.”
“We are, though.”
“Yeah but as long as she doesn't THINK we're bad friends, then we can continue to be bad friends.”
“I suppose.” Pao yielded, finding sense in Chris' argument. “Should we go back and buy her something?”
“Nah, we're like 5 minutes away from her house. I'm not gonna turn around. Let’s stop walking for a second.” They stop walking. “Look around you. What do you see?”
Pao 360's his current location. They're dead in the middle of a half-run down council estate, next to a Primary School.
“I see flats, parked cars and rubbish. Bags and bags of rubbish.”
“I see a hula hoop. It's perfect.”

It's true. He was staring at a hula hoop. One so conveniently placed for the dustbin men to collect, along with other toys from the Primary School that had withered away at the hands of children for years and years, ready to be melted plastic and laid to rest like Woody and Buzz Lightyears worst nightmare. The toys stank.
“Dona's gonna love this.” smiled Chris.

They rock up to Dona’s birthday party with huge grins and hand her the hula hoop. A confused looking Dona accepts the gift, and tries to act grateful despite being baffled!

“We paid like £15 for that gift! You better like it!” Chris argues. Dickhead!

“That was over 2 years ago.” Deeby reminded him on that beer in the park kind of day. “You reckon she's still has it?”
“Only one way to find out.” Chris produces his phone.

“Well, whilst you're being a phone whore...” Deeby walks to the European hula hooping family and asks to hula hoop with them (but not like creep. He's a Dickhead, not a creep).
“Thrust the hips,” Deeby reminds himself “It's all in the hips.”
And so he thrusts and thrusts and thrusts and... “Hey Chris, check it out!” Deeby exclaims, “I still got it!”
“I know,” Chris laughs “... So does Dona!”

For the record Deeby hula hoops like this. 

 

And Chris hula hoops like this. 
 

Dickhead out.

April Dickhead!

April's over.

Four nominations?
What can I say? Dickheads will be Dickheads.

Here's what's happened...

Betting Dickhead #1

Dona's getting nominated for betting Deeby that he could never get with her sister.

Are you serious, Dona? Did you actually just pimp out your sister?

Click here for full size

Evidence is literally written in the WhatsApp chat above. Dickhead. Next. 

Vomiting in a playground Dickhead

Chris and Deeby are on their way home from Brick Lane feeling pretty waved after a few drinks, and take a detour through a children’s park on the way home.

These parks are designed for kids to play on, not for Dickheads to jam in, but being said Dickheads, Chris and Deeby decide to have a go on the swings!

They’re still buzzed right now….. maybe too buzzed, and it isn’t long before Deeby vomits all over the swings. You can only imagine the shock that the children and parents who came to this park the next day received! Dickhead!

Betting Dickhead #2

Rich isn’t very subtle when it comes to girls. Heck he isn’t very subtle when it comes to anything. He did THIS! Anyway, there just happens to be a female friend of the group who Rich is constantly talking about getting with, so much so that he actually BET Chris Ten Grand that he could get with said female friend within the next two years.

We won’t reveal who this is for the sake of the bet, but Chris and Deeby consider the chances of Rich actually getting with this girl ridiculously low. So much so that Chris considers himself to have already won Ten Grand and asks Deeby if he wants to tour the USA with Rich’s Ten Grand in two years.

The worse thing about this is that Rich probably won’t even pay up when he loses! You just might be in for a chance of winning both DOTY2014 and DOTY2016 at this rate Rich! Dickhead.

Yellow Bitch Dickhead

There's a game that Deeby and Bradderz often play called “Yellow Car”.
Rules are simple. You spot a yellow car, lightly jab your opponent and state “Yellow Car” whilst pointing at it.

There's a popular term amongst world famous gangsta rappers and the like. “Bitches”.
“Bad Bitch” is a term used to describe a woman who is good. “Basic Bitch” is a term used to describe a girl who likes One Direction, Gossip Girl and other basic shit. Bitch means woman.
We don't condone the use of such a word. But we use it 'cos were dickheads.

Chris isn't very good at Yellow Car. The gang were in the middle of a game once when Chris in annoyance pointed at a woman in a yellow raincoat and jabbed Deeby saying quite basically “Yellow Bitch”.

Then he saw another woman holding a yellow umbrella and jabbed Deeby. "Yellow Bitch!" he said.
Then he saw a Korean woman... Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

February Dickhead!

February is over. The Dickhead of the Year nominations for this month are in... And they're all NEW!

Availability Dickhead

Meet Kristina, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Kristina's known the honourable members of The Dickhead Gang since way before the idea of DOTY ever existed. That's a long time. Unfortunately, she doesn't quite often see the crew. It isn't for a lack of trying.

It's the first few days of February, Kristina broadcasts a message to her companions. She explains a sad truth. A truth that is quite often mentioned by differing members of the group.

“Hey, we haven't seen each other in ages.
No, really. I don't think I remember the last time I saw you guys.
We should do something soon, seriously.”

The rest of the group see no quarrel with her statement. So Chris replies saying...

“I've invited you to bare things. You organise it this time.”

Kristina replies...

“Ok cool. I can't do this month but I am free next month?”

Next Month?

NEXT MONTH?!

Who does that? Who sends out a group message, begs to see her friends, gets the opportunity to organise an event, than stalls for a month? How badly did she wanna see her friends?

Lets not rip into her entirely. There must be a legit reason for being too busy to spare one evening out of a month.
She might be a secret agent? She might be batman? She might just be a Dickhead.

Our money's on the latter.

Birthday Dickhead

Meet Dona, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Like Kristina, she's a friend that Chris and Aks have known since secondary school (high school for our American audience), and who they've kept in touch with during University, usually seeing her for her birthday each year.

Just to clarify, Dona lives in a fairly strict asian family. She doesn't go clubbing, and she turns down almost any night out she's invited to.

So Dona's birthday comes up in early Feb and she decides to send a text out telling us to keep Saturday free incase she does something for it.

Saturday comes up..... nothing happens.

Aks decides to text her “what's happening?'.

“aww dw” she replies.

Chris (unaware of Aks' text) texts Dona the next day and says “lol what happened?”

They have a conversation, and it turns out Dona DID do something for her birthday with her Uni friends.

Not only that but she went on a night out with them!

Par. This is a girl they've known for almost ten years!

So not only did she par everyone by inviting them, and then uninviting them for her Uni friends, but she did the one activity she claims never to do!

Diiicccccckheeeeead!

Snapchat Dickheads

Meet Pao, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Pao, like Kristina and Dona, has known the honourable members of The Dickhead Gang since secondary school. He is also a keen user of the popular smart phone app, SnapChat.

To be fair, he's not quite as bad as Dona, who also send ridiculous, pointless and just plain stupid Snapchats. As a result, Dona has been nominated twice this month.

The image below is compilation of their snapchats. The members of the Dickhead gang felt that it was unfair that they be the only people to feast their eyes on such pointless images.

Click HERE for enlarged image.

Who do YOU think wins this month?

Dickhead out.