AUGUST DICKHEAD (Part 2)

Ready for Round 2?

What's that? You missed round 1?
Go on, check it out... I'll wait...
...

You Back?

Sweet, read on.

Piggy Back Dickhead

So Deeby has this habit of jumping onto Cons' for a piggy-back and trying to hitch a free ride. It bothers Cons and rightly so. Carrying Deeby around is a real chore and since Deeby is always jumping at him from behind, it means Cons never has the time to react and avoid it happening.

“You should do it back.” Someone mentions as a joke.
It's a joke because Deeby's 5'9 and Cons is 6'3. It's a joke because Deeby's skinny as hell and Cons' is a built gym freak. It's a joke 'cos Cons is The Hulk and Deeby's, well, Deeby's a joke. I don't think Cons got the joke.

Walking home after that beer in the park kind of day, Cons jumps onto the back of Deeby. Deeby almost loses balance but he's ok “Gotta be prepared to get as much as you give,” he thinks to himself “I'll piggy-back him for a few yards”. Only the moment after saying so, he feels shaking on his back.

“Err Cons?” Deeby starts “What are you doing?”

Cons giggles quietly.

“You should probably stop doing that.” The Instigator interjects.

“What are you doing?”

Cons continues to ignore him.

Rich looks on, cringing.

“Rich, what is he doing?” Deeby was getting impatient.

“He's dry humping you, bro.”

“Nah man!” Deeby screams as he drops Cons

Cons is in hysterics laughing to himself; He thought it was a joke. He just got nominated.

JD Dickheads

So Cons throws a house party and everyone brings their own drinks. Standard. Rich had a bottle of JD amongst his beers. Unfortunately, he never got round to finishing that JD and went home leaving it half drunk in Cons yard.

"Before I leave, brush my teeth, with a bottle of jack..."

A few weeks pass and Rich has the gang at his place to watch a football game and chill. He asks Cons to bring the half drunk bottle with him. “Not a problem.” Cons answers. Only, it is a problem 'cos Cons has no idea where that bottle's gone.
On the way to Rich's, empty handed, Deeby argues with him. “You drank it, didn't you?”

“Nah, man. I didn't drink it.”

“'Course you did. You had your girlfriend over. Candle lit dinner. Chucked on Netflix. Finished your Pinot Noir then thought 'We need more drink.' Am I right?”

“That does sound like something I would do.” Cons thought. “I don't remember doing that though.”

“You must have got mad wasted if you're not remembering shit. Lets just buy him another drink. No biggie. Look here's an iceland.”

…

“He had a JD,” Con's reminded himself, “The most expensive bottle in here £7.”

“Seriously pushing the boat out aren't we.”

“There's not much of a selection here.”

“Fuck it, it's Rich. He won't care. Just pretend that one of you're rich clients decided to give to you as a 'Thank You' present. Pretend it costs like a hundred quid. He'll buy it as well. Just do it.”

“Deeby. You're a terrible person.”

Knock Knock.

“Did you finish my JD, you dick?” Rich was happy to see them.

“Well, we got you something else to make up for it,” Cons turned to Deeby hesitant. Deeby nudged him on “...I got this from work. Only the finest in all of brown alcohol to ever exist.”

“What?”
“E&J Brandy. Go on try some of that and tell me you don't like the taste.”

Rich looked impressed as he pretended to enjoy the sip he took, clearly sold by the hype.
He'd been drinking for half an hour before clarifying “Present from a client, was it?”

“Yeah mate.”

Rich took another sip as he studied the bottle.

“Your clients loaded, are they?”
“More money than sense, bro.”

Rich was impressed further.

“This costs a hundred pound, does it?” Rich asked. Cons' nod was sheepish. “ It don't taste like a hundred pound.”

“Mate, we're fucking with ya.” Deeby admitted.

“You man are taking me for a mug.” Rich exclaimed.

He's right. They were. Dickheads.

Handsfree Dickhead

Late in an empty East London park. Deeby, Rich, Cons and Adam stand in a circle, have a chinwag and blaze a zoot.

If you were in this situation and needed to take a whiz most people would leave the zoot in the possession of who ever had it, walk to the nearest bush or tree and then have a little tinkle.

Not Cons, he waited 'till the zoot was in his mouth. With his back to the crew, he takes two, I repeat TWO, strides, whacks his piece out and empty's the rod. He rejoins the crew only to be met with eyes full of disapproval and shaking heads.

“What?”

“You gonna wash your hands before you pass that?” Deeby asked.

“I don't need to wash my hands,” Cons argued “I went handsfree.”

“Handsfree?”

“Look.

Cons unzipped his flies, reached for his dick and the boys turned their heads in anticipation of the horrendous. Obviously offending, Cons put the piggy away.

“I'm not sure how many lines you just crossed.” Adam stated.
“I'm pretty sure everything he did just now is the reason the word 'Dickhead' was invented.” Well said, Rich.

... Hold on.
There's a part 3 coming up.
Next couple of weeks, my friends.