Dickhead Anecdote #13: The Whitest Boy Alive

So there's this Dickhead from Cambridge called Nangle that went uni with Aks.
It'd been a while since the two had last seen each other. A night out was long overdue. Reminiscent of the nights out during freshers; Ring of Fire, Chunder-Dragons and Fat Birds (These may or may not be drinking games).
The only thing you need to know about Nangle is that he's really white. No, I mean like mad white. Might just be the Whitest Boy Alive. His dancing can only be described as “Literally Lyrically Interpretative”. If a song were playing about drinking a cup of tea... he would mime drinking a cup of tea. Thing is Nicki Minaj's latest hit isn't about drinking a cup of tea.. we'll leave the dancing to your imagination.

Of course the whitest thing a guy can probably do is constantly tell a black person that they look like some other famous black person that they obviously don't look anything like. Aks and Deeby didn't get any of that on the night, probably 'cos they're mates... Can't say the same for all the black people in London's premier nightclub, Penthouse.

First victim.

“Dude, Carlton Cole is the “No Spray No Lay” guy in the mens toilet.” Nangle exclaims.

“What?” Aks cried. A sentence like that most definitely needed hearing again because this is a massive claim. One of the most respected players in English Premier League football? Only one of West Ham's top 20 first choice players... Was in Penthouse's toilet?... Being the “No Armani, No Punani” guy?
With how footballers act off the pitch nowadays, it certainly made for a plausible story.
“Go have a look if you don't believe me!” Nangle brags. The pair go to check.
It's not Carlton Cole. The guy doesn't even look like him. Turns out they're both Half-Nigerian.
“That must've been why I made the mistake” Nangle concluded.
“How diverse is Cambridge?” Deeby wandered.

Real African Hair

Second Victim

Whilst Aks was prowling the club doing his thing (Link Akramming) Deeby was doing well interacting with a girl who knew nothing about what he was saying. When she finally admitted she was French and in London to practice her English, Deeby decided to be a dickhead. He told her this lie.
“Nangle can speak French. Hey Nangle. Come over here.” Deeby hollered.
“You look like Jamelia!” Nangle opened.
Deeby had his head in hands but decided to let this one slide as he was in desperate need of a wingman whilst he went to the toilet.

Yes. The rabbit is necessary.

On his return, she was no where to be seen.

“Nangle! What happened?”
“Why did you tell her I could speak French?”

“What did you do?” Deeby was growing worried.

“I told her the only french word I knew... Bourbon. That's French, right?”
“And that's why she left?”
“Well No.” Nangle admitted, “She asked me to explain what it was.”
“And you said...?” Deeby knew what he said.

“It's brown on top. It's brown underneath and it's got a creamy filling,” Nangle finished. Deeby shook his head disappointment. “Was I wrong?” Nangle shrugged.

Third Victim

The trio finally make it to the top floor. The Funky House room. The Hip Hop room. The Bashment bend over and lemme see ya whine down low room. Aka... The Black Room.

Nangle screams...

“EVERYONE IN HERE LOOKS LIKE DANNY WELBECK!!”

I know, Danny. I know.

Dickhead out.