August Dickhead!

Another month equals another batch of Dickhead Stories..
August was a very special month for one very special dickhead.
Read on to get the scoop.


Notting Hill Dickhead

Look, Rich is dressed up and everyting.

Rich has a 1.5ltr bottle of coke and a whole bottle of vodka for himself. He takes a swig of the Vodka.
 

“Oh Shit. That's actually quite strong.” He notes to himself.

At this point, most people would probably pour a little of the vodka into the bottle of Coke.

Not Rich. With two shots of the vodka gone, Rich's bright idea was to weaken the bottle of vodka by filling it with coca cola.
For about half an hour, Rich was doing The Notting Hill Carnival right.
Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance. Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance.

It was 1:30 when it hit him.

Rich was struggling to stand up and Chris was determined to hit on this one Police Woman. So Chris did what any dickhead would do. He carried him around and left him to sit on a kerb or by a tree with his head in his hands. Of course, Chris wasn't getting very far and decided it'd probably be best to just get him home. On the underground now, which was a trek because the streets of Notting Hill were rammed, Rich's Dance, Drink, Drink, Dance routine seemed to have been replaced with something very different very quickly.
Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit. Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit.

Dickhead.

FIFA Dickhead

No, Not Sepp Blatter (Though we really oughta do an article on him at some point.)

“Nah mate, I'm pissed off at you.” Rich declares. “You got a target on your head. I wanna beat you like 9 or 10 nil.”

Deeby's not the best at Fifa. Before these series of events, he'd be the first to unashamedly admit that he's not very good but he'd make you work to win. So as you might have suspected, it was a massive shock when Deeby visited Rich's house for a Fifa Lads Night In, only to beat almost everyone in the house, Rich included. 4-1, bruv.

Deeby's skills came out of nowhere... as did Rich's vengeful fury.
“Not tonight, mate. Nah. It's one of them ones... I can't let that slide. We have an audience today. So I'm gonna beat you in front of all your mates.”
It was another Fifa Lads Night In, this time at Deeby's place.
87 Fifa minutes in. The game stands at 4-1 to Deeby. Nobody was expecting the scoreline to repeat itself. Rich had steam firing out of his ears. Deeby was in giggles. Then he scored again.

Rich holds his pride and cries...

“5-1, Rich! It's 5-1.” Deeby was in hysterics now. Even he couldn't believe it. “Awww mate. You look so pissed. This is so funny. Your brothers are never gonna believe this. No, I mean it. That ACTUALLY wont believe this. I'm gonna have to take a picture of the scoreline. Post it on instagram and facebook and tag 'em, otherwise they'll never see...”

Rich heard enough. In a single motion of panic and rage, he got up leapt forward and turned off the Xbox.
Sore Loser much? Dickhead.

Suspended Dickhead

Lidl Wayne

With beers and some new friends, the gang talk life ambitions and careers. It's at this moment that Rich drops his bomb shell.
“Yeah, I got suspended from my job for stealing?”
The room is in a stunned silence. They couldn't believe it. Rich was suspended for stealing.
“From where you work?” Chris clarifies. Rich nods.
“Lidl's?” Chris makes doubly sure. Rich nods again.
“You got fired from Lidl's?!”
It takes a special man to achieve such accolades and Chris is justified in asking three times.
Chilling with the boys that night was a mid 30's, hard talking beast of a cockney lad.
He's louder than Susan Boyle, big like Steve Austin and talks like Vinnie Jones. You don't fuck with him. He's good conscience couldn't ignore what Rich had just admitted and so... he began to share some wisdom with Rich. A troubled man with his head screwed back on right. He tells them the story of his dark past which included run in's with the police, a job loss or two and an addiction to cocaine.

His story is moving, inspirational and will probably become an Oscar raved biopic one day. He tells them that he's learnt from his mistakes and will never stoop to such lows ever again before ending his speech with a simple question.
“...So Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“No,” The room whispers “Say No. I will never steal from work again.” But that's not how Rich thinks.

“...So, Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“What? Somewhere shitty like Lidl? ...Yeah probably.”
Dickhead!

August Dickhead

Shit boy! Three Nominations in one month? And the ONLY one to be nominated? This calls for a nomination in itself! Rich, you truly are Dickhead of August 2014!