JUNE DICKHEAD

 Is it July, yeah?
The Dickheads are supposed to be in Amsterdam this month.
Well, until August. Here's what happened in June...

Stick Fight Dickhead

It's that beer in the park kind of day and the Dickheads are chillin' by the lake. Kai picked up a stick. It's about 60cm tall and an inch in diameter, brown and hails from a chopped down tree near Canary Wharf.

Gandalf be like "I got the Magic Stick!"

“Oi C'mon on then. I'll take on any of you mans init.” He exclaimed.

The instigator scans the floor real quick and finds his weapon.

“Alright then. Let's go, you Dunce!” The instigator was ready.

“On three,” Umpire Cons declared. “1... 2...” Swing. Crack. Well, that was quick. The instigator was terminated. His stick, obliterated.

“I'm next.” Competitive Cons leapt to his feet and studied the edge of the lake. There was a variety of sticks and it quickly became obvious The Instigator's didn't spend enough time looking for a decent stick.

Kai's next contender was the branch of a young Beech tree, commonly found in and around London but most prominent in St Paul; They are well known for their skin like smooth bark making them difficult to chip. Smart choice, Competitive Cons. “On three!” ditto'd Deeby, “1... 2...” Swing.

“You're shit!” Deeby wasn't very good at consolation, “Go on then, I'll batter you!”

Deeby was Cardiff stick fight champion of 2013. His stick was a one and half metre branch called MoonWhisper and for all you stat fans, it remained undefeated for a whopping 12 fights before J-man snapped it with his knee and called Deeby gay for naming it.

“On three, then?” The Instigator started the countdown. “1... 2...” Smack.
Both sticks survived the first hit.

“Round two,” the Instigator persevered, “1... 2...” Crack. They both swore they could've heard some damage but both sticks looked perfectly intact. This suddenly got very interesting.

“Again. 1... 2...” SHNAP!! It was now in two. One half in his hands, the other half on the floor.

“Here. Hold the stick of a real champion.”
Deeby grabbed it and threw it in the lake.
Kai called him a sore loser.
We call him a Dickhead.

AirBnB Dickheads

Now you might remember last year; Chris was on a roll being a Dickhead in Amsterdam. He wrote a poem about poetry after getting high (Read here). 

Trying to get The Dickhead Gang to organise a lads do took blood, sweat and tears but they were using WhatsApp. Looking for an apartment, Deeby finds an MTV Cribs-like mansion in Dam Central. 10 Beds, Balconies overlooking the city and a jacuzzi. A fucking Jacuzzi.
“Costs an arm and a leg but who doesn't want a Jacuzzi?” Deeby thought, “I'm bookin' it!” And so he put down the deposit.

“Aww, you done all that?” Kai complained.
“What?!” Deeby retorted.

“Costs an arm and a leg, don't it?!”

Their flight was in four days and the gang were still having hang ups about where to sleep.

The Instigator saved the day. He found the gang a different MTV Cribs-like apartment. Maybe not as many beds but there were extra sofa's and the gang agreed, without him knowing, that they looked like the perfect size for Rich.

To save himself from looking like a complete tosser, The instigator thought it'd be best to show the apartment to the gang, with all it's grandeur panache and grandeur prices, BEFORE putting down a deposit.

“Bruh, that's kinda cheap, you know.” Rich noted.

“Yeah. And those rooms are immense.” Cons added.

“Air BnB are legit too,” Chris said, “I think you should get it.”

“Sweet,” The Instigator thought, “Deeby?”

“But.... But the jacuzzi, Bro.” Deeby sobbed.

“No one wants a jacuzzi, man.”

“Fine,” Deeby deflated. “Lets stay at this place.”

The Instigator took charge, he spoke with a friendly girl named Erika and everyone sent him their money.

Then they never heard from Erika again.

“If it's too good to be true, it probably is.” says The Dickhead Gangs Independent Adjudicator.
Dickheads lost a Jacuzzi.
They're all Nominated.

Cut Out Dickhead

Now you might remember last year; Rich was on a roll being a Dickhead in Amsterdam. He missed London so much he started fantasizing about the Queen (Swear down).

Trying to get The Dickhead Gang to organise a lads do took blood, sweat and tears.

A night before the flight Rich Cut Out.

“Aww, you done all that?”

Dickhead!!

Who d'you think's the biggest Dickhead this month?

MAY DICKHEAD

 

Well hey there, June.

Wanna know what we got up to with May?
Yeah, we been foolin' around you might not wanna hear it.
Ahh go on then.

I.D. Dickhead

 So there's this Dickhead in the Gang who never really says or does much. He often shows face at various Dickhead gatherings and gets involved in many Dickhead activities; He's usually there when Chris Cuts Out.

In January, the Gang had managed to do a night out every single weekend so when the end of April came around and they had realised they hadn't gone out for the whole month one Dickhead knew this wasn't right. One Dickhead knew that we had changed and it wasn't for the better. One Dickhead exclaimed “On the first of May, we're goin' Out! We're goin' OUT out!!”

That Dickhead is aptly named, The Instigator. When Cons and Deeby freestlye it's because The Instigator hit play on the turntable. When Chris and Rich have a little tiff, it's 'cos The Instigator got bored and wants a laugh and when the Dickhead Gang go out, it's cos The Instigator said to go out. He's called The Instigator 'cos that's what he does!

And so the usual routine was underway. The instigator had been hyping for weeks, the gang had piffed a couple zoots, backed a couple shots and sipped a couple beers. They headed out. In the queue now. The instigator ain't got his I.D.

Dickhead.

Dick Grab Dickhead  

 Deeby, Rich, and Cons are all jamming indoors and smoking the fattest zoot. It's a standard day for them. Cons has the ashtray balanced on his lap. Probably not the best place to keep it. Regardless, Deeby makes a grab for it anyway but brushes against the front of Cons' trousers as he does. Cons feels violated, Rich finds it hilarious. Deeby doesn't even say no homo, and claims it was an accident but more likely he's just a dickhead! 
Independent Adjudicator's Note: the basis for this nomination is Richard's testimony. Rich says Deeby touched Cons. Deeby calls bullshit. Who knows, maybe Rich is the real dickhead here!
 

Dropped the Zoot Dickhead

The Instigator knows how to instigate a good nights sleep n'all. Put on a movie, piff a zoot, dream on. Some people back pills, some hit the wank bank, The Instigator piffs a zoot. It's a very particular ritual and one that the rest of the gang had grown accustomed to.

Deeby is fortunate enough to live on the top floor of a block of flats and generous enough to lend his spare bed to any of the gang that might need to use it. He's also lucky in that when The Instigator is in need of his bed, which is quite often, The Instigator also brings with him his materials and is generous enough to share.

So it's no big deal when Deeby sticks Cheech and Chong in the DVD player only to have The Instigator “lift off” (By the window, that is, Deeby's house rules) and fall asleep halfway through.

This night was special though, The spare bed was set up, the lemons were rolled and Pineapple Express was the film of choice that night. Deeby and the Instigator had made themselves comfortable by the window. Three drags and pass was the unwritten rule, only, it was The Instigator's second drag when he had turned away from the window and looked Deeby in the eye with melancholy.

“I dropped the zoot.”

“No you didn't.” Deeby literally in disbelief.

“Yes, I did.”

“No you didn't?” Questioning his beliefs.

“Yes. I did.” The Instigator showed Deeby his hands. They were empty.

“Yes, you did.” In disbelief.

“It's gone.” Wept the Instigator.

Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.