Dickhead Anecdote #14: Tinder Dickheads

Final Anecdote of the year y'all,
And to get in the christmas spirit we've done nothing.
Here's some shit we did on Tinder...

 

 

 

 

You know what though? Some girls were Dickheads back.
Sick tings. Look.

...
And this troll of a profile picture

Merry Xmas, Dickheads.

Dickhead Of The Year 2014 to be announced soon...

November Dickhead!

It's December already?
Dickhead of The Year 2014 is almost over.
Boy do we have a year to be proud of.
Here's what happened last month!

Facebook Dickhead

Everyone knows a Dickhead that broadcasts his or her Dickhead thoughts via Facebook statuses.
The gang almost (ALMOST) felt bad nominating this guy, Rinza, 'cos, truth be told, they don't really know him that well.

Still, a Dickhead's a dickhead. And DOTY will hunt them down...

 

 

I know, right?
Dickhead.

Piff Friday Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang usually celebrate their weekends by hanging out on a Friday night, sharing a few bags of piff and passing round a bong. Often in between activities such as freestylin' rap bars, sippin' sambuca and watching bullshit on the internet.

When the crew DO write bars, one person usually doesn't get involved, Rich. It's not out of some self moral high ground or because he lacks the talent but purely because sometimes he thinks he lacks the talent. 

On this one particular Piff Friday, Chris tells media expert, Deeby, to get out his camera and record the night. It was to be a night of “Off the Top” lyrical maliciousness and misogyny, the sort to give Eminem a scare as he witnesses our lyrical phylogeny... and boy did it go well. 

Chris dropped 64 bars.
Deeby dropped 64 bars.
Chris was performing to the camera like a rap god. Deeby followed suit Everyone was hype, everyone was rapping and then... So did Rich... and he was amazing.

Deeby forgot to press record though. There were some special moments that night... and nobody else will ever know.

Dickhead.

Elf Dickhead

Half the Dickhead Gang decided to join a 6 a side football league. Rushed into giving the organisers a team name, Captain Rich declares that “We are to be called East London's Finest … But just type it in as E.L.F” he tells us (Not sure what was wrong with calling them “The Dickhead Gang”).

The night of the team's first game quickly arrives and it's at this point when the team fixtures and kick off times are finally published. Also at this point, the team names are up in flashing lights and on banners. Every league player got to feel pumped for the coming weeks and pride for the team they were representing. Confusion fell upon The Dickhead Gang though,when they found out that their team name was “Elf”.

Now not so pumped for the coming weeks or any pride for the team they were representing, the gang trudged onto the tournament as other teams laughed and joked. With a team name like “Elf”, they were surely not to be taken seriously. For the next three weeks, Rich heard a barrage of insults at his incapability to remember to put in full stops.

It wasn't until moments before this post was written that a few of the gang wanted to find out what the teams current position in the league was. Of course, their go to guy for info like this was Captain Rich. Problem was, when they asked, Rich was all like “I Dunno...”
“How do you not know? You're the manager, aint ya?” they asked.

“No.”
“Well who is then?”
“He is.” Rich answers, pointing at the only member of The Dickhead Gang yet to earn himself a Dickhead Nomination.

Meet Cons, Ladies and Gentlemen.

And he was happy to carry on letting Rich take the heat...

Ha. What a Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Last round of nominations in December.
Keep your eyes peeled.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #13: The Whitest Boy Alive

So there's this Dickhead from Cambridge called Nangle that went uni with Aks.
It'd been a while since the two had last seen each other. A night out was long overdue. Reminiscent of the nights out during freshers; Ring of Fire, Chunder-Dragons and Fat Birds (These may or may not be drinking games).
The only thing you need to know about Nangle is that he's really white. No, I mean like mad white. Might just be the Whitest Boy Alive. His dancing can only be described as “Literally Lyrically Interpretative”. If a song were playing about drinking a cup of tea... he would mime drinking a cup of tea. Thing is Nicki Minaj's latest hit isn't about drinking a cup of tea.. we'll leave the dancing to your imagination.

Of course the whitest thing a guy can probably do is constantly tell a black person that they look like some other famous black person that they obviously don't look anything like. Aks and Deeby didn't get any of that on the night, probably 'cos they're mates... Can't say the same for all the black people in London's premier nightclub, Penthouse.

First victim.

“Dude, Carlton Cole is the “No Spray No Lay” guy in the mens toilet.” Nangle exclaims.

“What?” Aks cried. A sentence like that most definitely needed hearing again because this is a massive claim. One of the most respected players in English Premier League football? Only one of West Ham's top 20 first choice players... Was in Penthouse's toilet?... Being the “No Armani, No Punani” guy?
With how footballers act off the pitch nowadays, it certainly made for a plausible story.
“Go have a look if you don't believe me!” Nangle brags. The pair go to check.
It's not Carlton Cole. The guy doesn't even look like him. Turns out they're both Half-Nigerian.
“That must've been why I made the mistake” Nangle concluded.
“How diverse is Cambridge?” Deeby wandered.

Real African Hair

Second Victim

Whilst Aks was prowling the club doing his thing (Link Akramming) Deeby was doing well interacting with a girl who knew nothing about what he was saying. When she finally admitted she was French and in London to practice her English, Deeby decided to be a dickhead. He told her this lie.
“Nangle can speak French. Hey Nangle. Come over here.” Deeby hollered.
“You look like Jamelia!” Nangle opened.
Deeby had his head in hands but decided to let this one slide as he was in desperate need of a wingman whilst he went to the toilet.

Yes. The rabbit is necessary.

On his return, she was no where to be seen.

“Nangle! What happened?”
“Why did you tell her I could speak French?”

“What did you do?” Deeby was growing worried.

“I told her the only french word I knew... Bourbon. That's French, right?”
“And that's why she left?”
“Well No.” Nangle admitted, “She asked me to explain what it was.”
“And you said...?” Deeby knew what he said.

“It's brown on top. It's brown underneath and it's got a creamy filling,” Nangle finished. Deeby shook his head disappointment. “Was I wrong?” Nangle shrugged.

Third Victim

The trio finally make it to the top floor. The Funky House room. The Hip Hop room. The Bashment bend over and lemme see ya whine down low room. Aka... The Black Room.

Nangle screams...

“EVERYONE IN HERE LOOKS LIKE DANNY WELBECK!!”

I know, Danny. I know.

Dickhead out.

October Dickhead

October went...
And not a single post was written.
We ain't even sorry, Bitches!
October was Dope!

Check Mate Dickhead

Rich’s parents are away, and knowing they would be in advance, Rich decides to throw a house party. “This house party is gonna be sick you know, piff, girls, alcohol” Rich boasts with a grin. The day of the house party finally comes and everyone has been drinking, smoking, chatting – it’s going well so far.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Deeby brings out a chess board which he found in Rich’s house. Then he actually starts PLAYING chess right there and then in the middle of the party.

Chris and Rich are sat at the far end of the room looking at Deeby with dropped jaws. “Bruv I can’t believe this is actually happening. How are they playing chess at my house party! They’re killing the vibe!” as Chris nods in agreement, equally shocked.

 

Chewing Gum Dickhead

J-man is a prick when he is with Sare, no news there. Most of the time Sare is the butt of his jokes, and right now, J-man is probably laughing at the fact that I just called her a “butt”. 

After getting settled with the gang, he produces a pack of chewing gum. No one know's where from, but he does. He opens the pack and pops one into his mouth, as you do. “Want one?” he offers the person to his left, and then to the next, and then to the next. By the time he gets to Sare there are only 2 bits of gum left. “Here you go, Sare.” he says handing her the pack. “Oh gee, thanks.” She's sarcastic. No one knows why.

“Err Jamie,” Chris pries, “Was that Sare's packet of gum you just offered us?” J-man chuckles “Yeah.” “That was unnecessary.”

J-man chuckles “Yeah.”

What a dickhead!

Chyna Porn Dickhead

 

With no official DJ hired for the house party, music was provided via anyone with a phone with access to the internet and that little auxiliary wire that connects your phone to speakers. Naturally requests were coming from all over the room and from various phones. People were using their own phones and people were using other peoples phones. Phones were left vulnerable and not a single frape was made (These dickheads deserve a medal)... but a discovery was. 

As one song was coming to a close on a phone not belonging to Aks, he picks up the phone to find it unlocked and ready for a song change. Whether it had been up on the screen already, or if Aks was in fact attempting to frape said phone or indeed had to actually make the effort to scroll through

it's browsing history to find what he found and would thus make him a dickhead, is irrelevant information. 

“Eurgh!!! Everyone look at this!” Aks exclaims whilst parading the phone about. “Who's phone is this? Who's Chyna? Why are you looking at Porn?” “Oi, that's my phone! What you doing?” demands Rich. With no music blaring, the conversation is had and heard by everyone.

“What's Chyna porn?” Aks asks again.

“Aww, I bet my brother's been through my phone again. Ash, why were you looking at porn on my phone?” He shouts up the stairs, probably inviting unwanted attention. “Rich, who d'you think you're fooling? We all know it was you.”

“Yeah whatever, I was looking at Chyna porn.” He surrenders... instantly.

“Whatever man. Don't look at porn and keep on your phone and then have your phone out at your own house party. That's a dickhead move.” The party warn him, “And watch regular porn, this shit is grim.”

 The picture above. That's Chyna. I know, right? Dickhead!

Boobgrab Dickhead!
 

J-man is a prick when he is with Sar, no news there... 

This one time, right out of the blue, he squeezed her boob whilst simultaneously squeaking...

“Boobgrab!”

...which might have been ok if, when, you're um... Nope. I'm not sure that's ever ok. Dickhead. 

The "I Need Bed" Dickhead

 

If there was a party that the Dickhead Gang could NOT have missed this year, it would have been this one. This wasn't just a friday. This was “Con's 21^st Bday Halloween Special Piff Friday”. A lot of effort had been put into this party and it was all paying off. Halloween decorations adorned the house lit only by UV strobe lighting that lit up glow in the dark stuff. Boys were jamming, Girls were dancing,. It was going down.

Then it hit him. Chris got so waved he had his head in his hands and was contemplating life in the most pitiful of stances. “Nah man,” he says “I need a bed, man” He gets up and shoots off to the nearest bed just as the party was warming up.
To which Cons says “Chris, you just got nominated for Dickhead of the Year.” To which Deeby and Rich think “You know what? Yeah. Chris just got himself nominated...”
By the very Birthday boy host of the very special night... That Chris missed.

Dickhead.

Who d'you think should win this month? Drop a comment below.

Dickhead out.

September Dickhead

September's over already?
Dickhead of the Year 2014 will receive their crown in about 3 months from today.
Mental. So who was a Dickhead in September?
Read on, init!

 

Re-union Dickhead

Earlier in the year, Kris was nominated for this (Click Here). August came and they still hadn't seen her. Dona must've felt bad about it, having Kris nominated for DOTY and everything 'cos she decided to organise a little reunion.
So doubtful that her efforts would be successful, Deeby, Chris and Pao place a bet with her.
“You pull this off, we'll give you a hundred quid. You don't, you give us a hundred quid. Everyone on this list must attend. You have 30 day's from now. Deal?”

“Deal.” Dona agrees.

The next few days was horrible. A barrage of questions about everyones availability, hobbies, interests and dietary requirements spewed out of the little indian like a Brick Lane curry out of Deeby's arse. With 2 days left till the event Dona continues to ask the boys for help organising the meet in between changing the date and time of the event.

On the day a few people arrive on time. Aks is an hour early as Dona failed to keep him up to speed, she then has a full on rant at Deeby like it was his fault and then believe or not.... Turns up late.

Hats off to her, she pulled it off.

But the hassle. Oh God, the hassle.
You're nominated, Dona!

Time Zone Dickhead

Rich lives in his own time zone. The man's gonna be late for his own funeral. Without his knowledge, the rest of the gang had begun using a system to get him where they wanted him, when they wanted him there and without causing themselves any inconvenience. It goes like this.

You say... “Hey Rich, I'll meet you at the station at 6:00”
He replies, “Alright mate, I'll see you there at 6:00.”
You get to the station at 7:00.
He meets you there at 7:02.

He apologises and spews out a couple of excuses, none of which you care about 'cos you always planned to meet him at 7:00 anyways.

Imagine Deeby's surprise when he had gone through the process above only for Rich to still be late.
“I bet you weren't even that busy,” Deeby argued “I bet you was doing something stupid like watching 24.”
Rich laughed “Yeah mate, I was.”
“But that's only like forty five minutes long. You're almost two hours late. It wouldn't make sense, not unless you watched two episodes of 24.”

Rich laughed some more “Yeah mate, I did.”
And the mystery as to why Rich is so late so often is solved.
He's a dickhead.

Big Mouth Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang roll down the streets of East London late on a Friday night 'cos they're hard and they'll have ya. No news there.
In the distance not so far ahead is a couple. A white man who's about seven feet tall and an asian woman who's roughly four feet tall (Height may or may not be exaggerated).
The entire gang notice the odd pairing, it's hard not to. What's easy to do is stay quiet. Their conversation was already stagnant, after all. While everyone else was thinking of ways to progress from the current silence in a humane manner. Chris decided to point them out and say “Errr man, that's some Human Trafficking shit right there.”
No, Chris. You're just a dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #12: Dickhead Teachers

Did you know that pretty much all (bar one or two people) of the Dickheads nominated on this blog went to the same secondary school? Maybe that’s why they’re all Dickheads? Could they have been influenced perhaps by the ones who taught them? Have a read about some of the Dickhead teachers they had and decide for yourself!

School

Wine Dickhead

Unfortunately, their graphics teacher wasn't a drunk, naked Cameron Diaz. Hollywood eh?

It’s Graphics class, and everyone’s almost finished the packaging they were designing for the past two years. Naturally people are gonna wanna bring in some products to see if their design works. One girl brings in an expensive looking bottle of wine for her box. A few Graphics lessons later…
The wine is gone! The Graphics teacher claims it simply went missing….
But Chris definitely saw him looking particularly merry during an after school Graphics class that week! Dickhead!

Tesco Dickhead

Being a teacher isn’t easy! Teaching classes all day, marking poorly written homework all night. How do they find the time for the things we all need to do: shopping for example. Well the maths teacher in the Dickhead Gang’s school found a way around it. 

“Class, please complete these exercises I’ve written on the board, I’ll be back shortly.”

Forty minutes later the lesson is almost over. Half the class just messed about due to lack of a teacher, some thought it was a good chance for a nap, but the students that actually bothered to complete the exercises start to wonder where the hell the teacher went. They look outside the window.
He’s loading Tesco shopping bags into his car. Dickhead!

Insulting Parents Dickhead

Your class is messing around, paper planes are travelling around the room, nobody is working, listening to you or acknowledging your authority. A standard science lesson in the Dickhead Gang’s school. This science teacher was so bad at controlling the class she had to call in another teacher. But not just any teacher! This teacher took no shit when it came to controlling a class. As soon as she walked into the class she exploded with...

"YOU ARE DUMB BECUASE YOUR PARENTS ARE DUMB!"

A stunned silence filled the room, and despite the fact that a teacher had just dissed all their parents, nobody dared to respond or even laugh until she had left the room! A controversial way to silence a class, but effective nonetheless.

With teachers like these, no wonder the Dickhead Gang turned out the way they are! Dickhead out!

Dickhead Anecdote #11: Dam Bitch! (Part 3)

Hold up! Have you read Part 1 and Part 2? Nah? Well click on those links then come back init. 

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

          You like to...

           MOVE IT

Chris was expecting this exact song to be blaring amongst a myriad of scantily clad women dancing in carnival-esque fashion as we entered the Red Light District. He was sorely disappointed.

Rich was in heaven so he lead the way. Chris and Deeby were discussing the similarity’s between their current activity to a trip to the zoo, the conversation drifted towards the contemporary state of feminism and whether men should feel emasculated buying shower gel marketed at women. Meanwhile...

“Rich, this is the third time you've brought us to this street?” Deeby pointed out.

“This is the tranny street, man!” Chris added “Why d'you keep bringing us here? Is there something you want to tell us.”
“Nah man, I just keep getting lost. All these streets look the same.” Rich argues.

“Yeah, alright.” The others thought.

Did you hear about Lisa? She had her appendix taken out. Now, she's only a prostitute on the side.

Deciding to soak in some Dutch culture, the next day was spent at the Van Gogh Museum.

They smoke a few zoots first, of course. On the 1^st floor now, Rich gets groggy.

“Nah man, I need to sit down.” Rich exclaims.
“You alright, mate?” Chris is concerned.
“Yeah, you guys go check out the paintings, I'm just gonna sit here for a second.”
Chris and Deeby circle the floor and come back only to see Rich in the middle of the gallery passed out. Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight,” Deeby clarified. “Should we help him?”
“He ain't goin' anywhere.”
“Yeah, we'll come back in a bit or in an hour or two.”

That night, the not so nail-biting Argentina Holland world cup semi-final was on. Rich hyped about how amazing it was that were going to watch a Holland football match whilst in Holland (even though he had already fallen asleep watching the Germany Brazil game on the previous night), it was one of his main reasons for being here. Totally into the spirit of things, Deeby buys a bright orange Holland jacket whilst Chris looks for a Dutch pub. A wave of fans dressed in all orange chant and cheer in optimism. It's kick off. The whistle blows and Rich yells...

“COME ON YOU ARGIES!! SHOW HOLLAND HOW IT'S DONE!”

Chris, Deeby and about 5 or 6 Dutch patriots all turn their heads at him.

Deeby shakes his head at Rich. Chris has his head in his hands.

“What?!” asks Rich, oblivious.

What Chris sees when he's on truffles.

A new day... which means new drugs.
Truffles, the local delicacy, happened to be on the menu on that "Beer in the Park" kind of day. An hour after consumption Deeby wasn't feeling anything so decided to buy a sandwich from a nearby shop, Rich was chillin' off a teeny buzz but Chris was going to town. Sat on the grass, legs crossed like he does yoga and palms hovering over the floor, gently brushing blades of grass. He smiles like he's found the meaning of life.

When Deeby returned, the pair were both on their phones. “Oi Phone Whores,” He called “Bored of each other already?”
“He's on his phone being anti-social and not enjoying his holiday,” Chris began “So I wrote a poem about it.”

Chris' Poem: Rich in Dam

Rich is in dam, but is he here.
Nah. Not it Dam.

“And Phone whore number 2. Whats your excuse?”
“Aww I'm tellin you man, it's one of them ones,” Rich whimpered “You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time. I'm still get irritating messages from my auntie about being in Amsterdam. Why do they keep talking about Bitter Gold?”

“That's Peak times for you, init!” Deeby laughs. Beep Beep.
“Uh oh. Phone whore number 3.” Rich notes.

“Oh shit.” Deeby's stunned at his text.

“What?” Chris asks.

“Just got a message from Wumz. “So Sorry Adeeb. I messed up. I let it slip to your mum that you smoke weed. So so sorry. Hope you don't get in too much trouble.”

A beat of silence is quickly interrupted by immense hysterical laughter from Chris and Rich. They're in tears.
Chris can't help but say it once more... “Dickhead of the year goes to...”

Dam Bitch!

August Dickhead!

Another month equals another batch of Dickhead Stories..
August was a very special month for one very special dickhead.
Read on to get the scoop.


Notting Hill Dickhead

Look, Rich is dressed up and everyting.

Rich has a 1.5ltr bottle of coke and a whole bottle of vodka for himself. He takes a swig of the Vodka.
 

“Oh Shit. That's actually quite strong.” He notes to himself.

At this point, most people would probably pour a little of the vodka into the bottle of Coke.

Not Rich. With two shots of the vodka gone, Rich's bright idea was to weaken the bottle of vodka by filling it with coca cola.
For about half an hour, Rich was doing The Notting Hill Carnival right.
Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance. Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance.

It was 1:30 when it hit him.

Rich was struggling to stand up and Chris was determined to hit on this one Police Woman. So Chris did what any dickhead would do. He carried him around and left him to sit on a kerb or by a tree with his head in his hands. Of course, Chris wasn't getting very far and decided it'd probably be best to just get him home. On the underground now, which was a trek because the streets of Notting Hill were rammed, Rich's Dance, Drink, Drink, Dance routine seemed to have been replaced with something very different very quickly.
Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit. Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit.

Dickhead.

FIFA Dickhead

No, Not Sepp Blatter (Though we really oughta do an article on him at some point.)

“Nah mate, I'm pissed off at you.” Rich declares. “You got a target on your head. I wanna beat you like 9 or 10 nil.”

Deeby's not the best at Fifa. Before these series of events, he'd be the first to unashamedly admit that he's not very good but he'd make you work to win. So as you might have suspected, it was a massive shock when Deeby visited Rich's house for a Fifa Lads Night In, only to beat almost everyone in the house, Rich included. 4-1, bruv.

Deeby's skills came out of nowhere... as did Rich's vengeful fury.
“Not tonight, mate. Nah. It's one of them ones... I can't let that slide. We have an audience today. So I'm gonna beat you in front of all your mates.”
It was another Fifa Lads Night In, this time at Deeby's place.
87 Fifa minutes in. The game stands at 4-1 to Deeby. Nobody was expecting the scoreline to repeat itself. Rich had steam firing out of his ears. Deeby was in giggles. Then he scored again.

Rich holds his pride and cries...

“5-1, Rich! It's 5-1.” Deeby was in hysterics now. Even he couldn't believe it. “Awww mate. You look so pissed. This is so funny. Your brothers are never gonna believe this. No, I mean it. That ACTUALLY wont believe this. I'm gonna have to take a picture of the scoreline. Post it on instagram and facebook and tag 'em, otherwise they'll never see...”

Rich heard enough. In a single motion of panic and rage, he got up leapt forward and turned off the Xbox.
Sore Loser much? Dickhead.

Suspended Dickhead

Lidl Wayne

With beers and some new friends, the gang talk life ambitions and careers. It's at this moment that Rich drops his bomb shell.
“Yeah, I got suspended from my job for stealing?”
The room is in a stunned silence. They couldn't believe it. Rich was suspended for stealing.
“From where you work?” Chris clarifies. Rich nods.
“Lidl's?” Chris makes doubly sure. Rich nods again.
“You got fired from Lidl's?!”
It takes a special man to achieve such accolades and Chris is justified in asking three times.
Chilling with the boys that night was a mid 30's, hard talking beast of a cockney lad.
He's louder than Susan Boyle, big like Steve Austin and talks like Vinnie Jones. You don't fuck with him. He's good conscience couldn't ignore what Rich had just admitted and so... he began to share some wisdom with Rich. A troubled man with his head screwed back on right. He tells them the story of his dark past which included run in's with the police, a job loss or two and an addiction to cocaine.

His story is moving, inspirational and will probably become an Oscar raved biopic one day. He tells them that he's learnt from his mistakes and will never stoop to such lows ever again before ending his speech with a simple question.
“...So Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“No,” The room whispers “Say No. I will never steal from work again.” But that's not how Rich thinks.

“...So, Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“What? Somewhere shitty like Lidl? ...Yeah probably.”
Dickhead!

August Dickhead

Shit boy! Three Nominations in one month? And the ONLY one to be nominated? This calls for a nomination in itself! Rich, you truly are Dickhead of August 2014!

Dickhead Anecdote #10: Dam Bitch! (Part 2)

Woah Woah Woah,  wait a minute. If you ain't read Part 1 yet, go read that first. Done? Good.
As you were...

“We've spent 30 minutes in Holland. 20 of those minutes have been sat outside this toilet.” Deeby noted.

“He's definitely taking a shit.” Chris added.

Rich finally steps out of the toilet. Chris and Deeby applaud him. Rich has his hands in the air and his head hung in shame as he admits “I couldn't go, man. That was a lot.”

Chris and Deeby decide its best not to ask what that means and leave the airport.

“It's this train... Yeah, I'm pretty sure, it's this one... And this stop. We get off here... And then we get on this tram... Yep, yep. I definitely recognise this place. Let's get off here...”

“What you getting you camera out for?” Rich protested.

“'Cos we're in Dam, Bitch!” Deeby replied.

“You're pissing me off, we ain't even found a hostel yet, we've been walking about in the rain for hours, I wanna put my bags down and you're taking pictures! Let's find a fucking hostel, man.”
It was an hour or four after Rich humorously lost his shit that the gang finally got settled and found a coffee shop to jam in.

I've got that shirt.

After a zoot and a chat with two bright American girls, the gang finally started to feel like they were on holiday. Not a moment after the girls had left... “Which one would you bang?!” Urges Rich.
It's a legitimate question, just not one that should be asked moments before you spend 20 mins in the bathroom.
“He's not taking another shit, is he?” Deeby asks “He took one earlier.”
Chris pulled his trademark face. It read “That's grim!”

Halfway through another zoot, Rich's phone buzzes. “Awww fuckin' 'ell!” cries Rich.
“What?”
“Just got another message from my auntie”
“So?”
“Brother Richard.” he began “We love you. We care for you. Keep the Devil at bay. May marijuana taste like Bitter Gold. Love auntie. What the fuck, man? I bet my mum told her to send me that. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time.”

“I hear that,” Deeby agreed “And what are you doing? You've been on your phone for ages.”

“I just wrote a poem.” Chris explained.
“What?”
“Yeah, bruv. Just wrote a poem.”
Rich and Deeby burst into laughter. Rich, the first to gather his thoughts, eloquently says... “You're fucked, mate.”

How have they scored so many goals? ...And why haven't I cut my hair yet?

“We get to watch the World Cup in a foreign land.” Rich was excited, this was half his reason for visiting Amsterdam in the first place. “Germany vs Brazil today. Argentina vs Holland tomorrow. Yeeeeeah boy!” With him building so much hype, it came as a massive surprise when at half time of the Germany/Brazil game (Germany being 5-0 up), Rich decides to pack it in and pass out! Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight.” Deeby clarified.

Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”

Chris' Poem: Poetry

Is a poem when you're high really a poem.
Perhaps instead it is a Vision. Into the soul.
Being high is like a poem.

Poetry. 

Dam Bitch!
Part 3 coming soon.

Dickhead Anecdote #9: Dam Bitch! (Part 1)

“Just imagine undressing her down to her golden-laced thong... hidden amongst the stretch marks wrapped around her wrinkly and royal waist. Her boobs are soft and saggy but her nipples are interestingly hard. Oh and she's still wearing her crown 'cos then otherwise what's the point.”

Apparently, a 6 hour journey with Chris and Deeby can get so boring, the only interesting conversation left to be had is what it might be like to have sex with the queen.

“You'd have to stick a hoover or a duster up there first,” Rich continues “There's probably more cobwebs up there than in my attic.”

Deeby's close to vomiting, but Rich is getting a kick out of that. Until they had landed in mainland Europe, things weren't plain sailing for Rich.

Dayum Phillip!! Who's your friend?

The night before the flight, Rich's mum had him sat in the living room and was close to performing an exorcism (The previous exorcism had obviously not worked, but that's for another anecdote).
“The power of Christ compels you, Rich. The power of Christ compels you. May the devil leave your soul. May your holiday in Amsterdam be full of pain and anguish... And I pray the Weed tastes like Bitter Gold. Bitter Gold. BITTER GOLD!”

“Shit boy!” Say's Chris “Your mum weren't fucking around. That's a serious prayer.”
“I know, man. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back about it all the time.” For once, Rich was making sense. Chris and Deeby didn't bother arguing. “Anyways, back to the real problem,” He continued “Scope the place out, there must be a way.”

They were now at Southend airport. Rich was looking for “loopholes” in the airports security. “How to smuggle weed back into the UK?” No one had any real intention of doing so, it's just a question pondered by pretty much everyone that visits Amsterdam. No sharp objects, no explosives and No liquids, “Which is just as well,” Rich thought “They wouldn't be any help if you plan on smuggling back any ganja, if you know what I mean... I mean weed... You know, MARIJUANA.”
“Bloody 'ell, Rich. Would you keep your voice down. We're about to get our bags checked.” Deeby protested. He gives him a hand and puts Rich's bag in the tray.
“What's in your bag your, Rich? It's well heavy.”
“Oh yeah, I packed some Whey Protein Powders and other such products.” Rich says candidly.

“Why the fuck would you pack Whey Protein Powders?”
“Mate, don't grill me about this now. I think I'm still a little bit high.”
“Alright alright,” Deeby settles “Lets just get through security. We've got nothing to worry about anymore.”

Protein Powder. No Coke. Me Swear.

Chris and Deeby watch Rich wrangle with security from a distance as they empty the contents of his bag.
“No liquids, Rich. How hard is that?” Chris thought aloud. “That's the biggest bottle of Mouthwash I've ever seen. It would probably double as a flammable.”

“This is actually really funny to watch,” Deeby added “He really doesn't need this right now. He's still really high.”

“He's always high. I bet he was high when he packed.”

“We're not even in Amsterdam yet.” Deeby noted.
Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”



Dam Bitch!
Part 2 coming soon.

July Dickhead

Is it August already?!

Alright then.
Here are July's Dickheads.

Sister Dickhead

Dickhead Deeby with a Dickhead Desk

Dona is a well known social media dickhead. Snapchatting photo's of her feet, assuming Chris would be in China 'cos he posts a Picture the Great Wall on his facebook page and selfies. Bare selfies! #MirrorFlex. So partly to get back at her for being so digitally irritating and partly for shits and giggles, there's this thing The Dickhead Gang do. Every now and then Dona will post a selfie with her sister or one of her bae's or some shit. Then usually one of the boys will take the opportunity to get on her nerves with a simple comment...

“Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”

This usually sparks some "comment banter" with Dona saying something like “Take a hike, my sister would never stoop to your level, stop trying to add her on facebook, once is enough” etcetera etcetera...
Of course, this doesn't stop the dickheads from writing the above comment.
We must also inform you of Dona's height. Standing at a gigantic 4ft tall, people often tower a few heads higher than her when posing for pictures (even if she's wearing heels). I feel it must also be said that Dona is not a dwarf or a hobbit or anything, she just bare short.

So, when a new photo emerges on Facebook of Dona with a brand new bae towering two heads higher than her.... Deeby's natural response is “Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”
That day he was shot down as her reply was “My 14 year old baby sister.”

Awkward...

Airport Dickhead

“If we were to smuggle weed back from Amsterdam,” Rich began “This is how we'd do it.”
It had already been an eventful morning. We'd had to get up at 4:30 to catch our flight, we'd racked up a £20 parking ticket for a 5 minute stop and was held in the bagging area 'cos Rich had packed unnecessary bottles of liquids amongst other vital stuff such as protein shakes and exercising shit... cos you know, Rich is ripped to shreds.

Protein shakes blad!

Showing our passports as we board, you'd think they'd be topics of conversation to avoid. Anything about weapons, explosives and drugs... right? Well not if you're Rich.

A “warm up zoot” in the car on the way to the airport to get on a plane to amsterdam seemed apt. “Let's get this party started!” they thought. Now at the airport in front of the woman who looks at your passport to see if you're legit, Rich begins... “They don't keep security in that corner of the airport...”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“I don't even see any sniffer dogs either.”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“Aww mate,” Rich giggles. “I'm still high.”

Deeby passes the steward his passport and holds his head in his hands.

Who d'you think won this month? Comment below.

Also, keep your ear's peeled. A lot happened at the Netherlands.
Amsterdam Anecdotes coming soon.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead anecdote 8: Freshers

Freshers. A huge student night out. Everyone’s bought a ticket. It’s gonna be a MAD one.
You wouldn’t want to flop this kind of night out, would you? Well four Dickheads flopped left, right and centre. See how below:

Chris: No entry Dickhead

Pre-drinks for this kind of night out are a must... and they’re even better if you play a drinking game. The lads decide to play The Call of Duty (COD) drinking game. Here's the rules, a swig of beer every time you die, and two if you get stabbed. Unfortunately, Chris isn’t very good at the game…. He dies…. A LOT. 

Call of Duty: Classic Pissheads

POW, skip to a few hours later and Chris is excitedly jumping over one of the barriers to queue at the club. “You ain’t getting in, mate” says the bouncer. To make things worse, jumping the barrier wasn’t even necessary – Nobody was even in the queue yet! Dickhead!

Pao: KO’d Dickhead

Pao gets in to enjoy the night out, but not for very long! He gets into a fight he doesn’t even remember and is sent home in a taxi with a bloody nose. To this day he doesn’t remember what happened. Maybe he tried to move to someone’s girl? Maybe he spilt someone’s drink? Maybe he’s just a dickhead!

Bradley: Walking home Dickhead

Bradley notices that all his friends are gone! Chris didn’t get in and Pao disappeared, what’s the next logical thing to do? Go home. Walk. Why not? Makes sense. At least, it would if Bradley’s home was anywhere remotely near the club! This night out was in Hertfordshire and Bradley lives in London. Casually and drunkly walking along the motorway, Bradley truly believes he’ll get home. The police see him, stop him and escort him back to Pao’s house. Dickhead!

Meanwhile, Bradderz is like...

J: Window Dickhead

Props to J, he manages to stay in the club for the whole night. When it was clear Chris was never gonna get into the night of a lifetime, J gave Chris his home key. Of course, Chris decides to complicate matters by hitchhiking in someone else’s taxi and staying at another friend’s house. With Pao knocked out and unlikely to wake at the sound of a nuclear bomb and Bradley still experiencing his run in with the police, J is oblivious when he knocks on his front door as to why no one is answering.

J panics, how the hell is he going to get in? Simple: He jumps over the fence to the backyard, gets the ladder in the garden, climbs up to Pao’s window and….. REMOVES THE ENTIRE WINDOW. Literally, pulls the window out of it’s frame, climbs in and to goes to bed.

Yep, Pao sleeps through it all!

Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead aaaand Dickhead.

Dickhead out.

The Top 10 Dickheads at the 2014 World Cup

Who are we kidding? Football is full of Dickheads.

Okay, Mark Bresciano did some kids shoe laces, Tim Howard showed America why “Soccer” is a beautiful game and we've discovered this era's best footballing nation. Well done, Germany!

However, we've also been given the opportunity to find out which footballers are willing to bring their Dickhead ways to the worlds biggest stage.
Here's our top 10.

10. England Dickheads

The boys at #DOTY didn't expect England to make it to the final by any stretch. Hell, Deeby was always sure that England wouldn't even leave the group stages. But one Point? Bottom of the group? Are you kidding me? Sorry, that was brewing inside me. Rant over. At least some fans can see the bright side of life. 

9. 5-1 Dickeads

Your economy's in the stinker and your king abdicates himself from the throne against violent opposition and igniting major political unrest. You're defending champion, it's supposed to your golden era of football... You lose 5-1 in your opening match. I hate to add insult to injury, Spain... but that makes you a Dickhead.

8. Hair Dickhead

There's a number of bad haircuts in this years World Cup but these three... well...
Bacary Sagna. Still rocking them golden braids are ya? And who told you it was a good idea?
Asamoah Gyan had his number shaved into his head and dyed Golden. Does anything scream Conceited Dickhead any louder?

I'm actually impressed with Kyle Beckerman's dreads. Playing football with dreads is skill.

7. Kiss From the Queen Dickhead

At a time when England NEED Italy to beat Costa Rica, ex Manchester City star and opportunist, Mario Balotelli tweets...

I think it's funny. Still, doesn't stop you from looking like a Dickhead, Mario. You rank 7th.

6. Trip Dickhead

Take a close look at this poor attempt of a free kick.

Or watch this video for more detail.

Was that intentional? I mean, it looks like a free kick designed to completely catch the opposition unawares. Schweinsteiger (#7) runs a full circle in front of the ball, God knows what Khedira's (#6) doing and Muller (the one that tripped), well, trips.
Deeby and Aks argue for hours on end about whether that trip was intentional or not and for the wasted hours it's caused them... Muller's going on the list.

5. Muller Infuriating Pepe Dickhead

Muller again? You oughta rank #1 for earning two nominations but alas, that position is for someone special.

Muller's #5 for pretending that this hurt him.

4. Pepe Head Butting Muller Dickhead

Pepe's #4 for reacting like this...

C'mon, Pepe. You're 2-0 down and are supposed to be one of Portugals best defenders. Don't get a red card. Keep a lid on that anger. You, my dear Dickhead, are the reason your nation lost that game so badly. 4-0? Ouch.

3. Boateng and Muntari Dickheads

Little is known about what actually happened but it's alleged that Kevin Prince Boateng and Sulley Muntari (two of Ghana's most experienced footballers), unprovoked, attacked a member of the GFA (Ghanian Footballing Association). As a result they were dismissed from world cup immediately. Ghana never won another game... Dickheads.

2. Diving Dickhead

Arjen Robben is a world class footballer infamous for falling over and looking like he's been tackled.

After stealing a win against Mexico this year, Robben spoke to Dutch television and said:

“... there was an incident in the first half where I did dive. I must apologise. I should not be doing that.”

Sounds legit. It's just... the Dickhead Gang were a little confused to still see Robben dive in his next game. Well played, dickhead. Well played.

1. Dickhead Teeth

“Three bites and you're out.” was Alan Shearer's reaction, referring to the fact that this is the 3rd time Luis Suares has bitten an opponent in his career. Most people learn to stop biting other people as soon as they become teething toddlers but when you have teeth like Luis Suarez, I suppose you could be forgiven.

Dickhead of the 2014 World Cup, ladies and gentlemen. Luis Suarez!

Any Dickheads we missed out?

Comment and let us know.

Dickhead out.