Dickhead Anecdote #10: Dam Bitch! (Part 2)

Woah Woah Woah,  wait a minute. If you ain't read Part 1 yet, go read that first. Done? Good.
As you were...

“We've spent 30 minutes in Holland. 20 of those minutes have been sat outside this toilet.” Deeby noted.

“He's definitely taking a shit.” Chris added.

Rich finally steps out of the toilet. Chris and Deeby applaud him. Rich has his hands in the air and his head hung in shame as he admits “I couldn't go, man. That was a lot.”

Chris and Deeby decide its best not to ask what that means and leave the airport.

“It's this train... Yeah, I'm pretty sure, it's this one... And this stop. We get off here... And then we get on this tram... Yep, yep. I definitely recognise this place. Let's get off here...”

“What you getting you camera out for?” Rich protested.

“'Cos we're in Dam, Bitch!” Deeby replied.

“You're pissing me off, we ain't even found a hostel yet, we've been walking about in the rain for hours, I wanna put my bags down and you're taking pictures! Let's find a fucking hostel, man.”
It was an hour or four after Rich humorously lost his shit that the gang finally got settled and found a coffee shop to jam in.

I've got that shirt.

After a zoot and a chat with two bright American girls, the gang finally started to feel like they were on holiday. Not a moment after the girls had left... “Which one would you bang?!” Urges Rich.
It's a legitimate question, just not one that should be asked moments before you spend 20 mins in the bathroom.
“He's not taking another shit, is he?” Deeby asks “He took one earlier.”
Chris pulled his trademark face. It read “That's grim!”

Halfway through another zoot, Rich's phone buzzes. “Awww fuckin' 'ell!” cries Rich.
“What?”
“Just got another message from my auntie”
“So?”
“Brother Richard.” he began “We love you. We care for you. Keep the Devil at bay. May marijuana taste like Bitter Gold. Love auntie. What the fuck, man? I bet my mum told her to send me that. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time.”

“I hear that,” Deeby agreed “And what are you doing? You've been on your phone for ages.”

“I just wrote a poem.” Chris explained.
“What?”
“Yeah, bruv. Just wrote a poem.”
Rich and Deeby burst into laughter. Rich, the first to gather his thoughts, eloquently says... “You're fucked, mate.”

How have they scored so many goals? ...And why haven't I cut my hair yet?

“We get to watch the World Cup in a foreign land.” Rich was excited, this was half his reason for visiting Amsterdam in the first place. “Germany vs Brazil today. Argentina vs Holland tomorrow. Yeeeeeah boy!” With him building so much hype, it came as a massive surprise when at half time of the Germany/Brazil game (Germany being 5-0 up), Rich decides to pack it in and pass out! Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight.” Deeby clarified.

Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”

Chris' Poem: Poetry

Is a poem when you're high really a poem.
Perhaps instead it is a Vision. Into the soul.
Being high is like a poem.

Poetry. 

Dam Bitch!
Part 3 coming soon.

Dickhead Anecdote #9: Dam Bitch! (Part 1)

“Just imagine undressing her down to her golden-laced thong... hidden amongst the stretch marks wrapped around her wrinkly and royal waist. Her boobs are soft and saggy but her nipples are interestingly hard. Oh and she's still wearing her crown 'cos then otherwise what's the point.”

Apparently, a 6 hour journey with Chris and Deeby can get so boring, the only interesting conversation left to be had is what it might be like to have sex with the queen.

“You'd have to stick a hoover or a duster up there first,” Rich continues “There's probably more cobwebs up there than in my attic.”

Deeby's close to vomiting, but Rich is getting a kick out of that. Until they had landed in mainland Europe, things weren't plain sailing for Rich.

Dayum Phillip!! Who's your friend?

The night before the flight, Rich's mum had him sat in the living room and was close to performing an exorcism (The previous exorcism had obviously not worked, but that's for another anecdote).
“The power of Christ compels you, Rich. The power of Christ compels you. May the devil leave your soul. May your holiday in Amsterdam be full of pain and anguish... And I pray the Weed tastes like Bitter Gold. Bitter Gold. BITTER GOLD!”

“Shit boy!” Say's Chris “Your mum weren't fucking around. That's a serious prayer.”
“I know, man. You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back about it all the time.” For once, Rich was making sense. Chris and Deeby didn't bother arguing. “Anyways, back to the real problem,” He continued “Scope the place out, there must be a way.”

They were now at Southend airport. Rich was looking for “loopholes” in the airports security. “How to smuggle weed back into the UK?” No one had any real intention of doing so, it's just a question pondered by pretty much everyone that visits Amsterdam. No sharp objects, no explosives and No liquids, “Which is just as well,” Rich thought “They wouldn't be any help if you plan on smuggling back any ganja, if you know what I mean... I mean weed... You know, MARIJUANA.”
“Bloody 'ell, Rich. Would you keep your voice down. We're about to get our bags checked.” Deeby protested. He gives him a hand and puts Rich's bag in the tray.
“What's in your bag your, Rich? It's well heavy.”
“Oh yeah, I packed some Whey Protein Powders and other such products.” Rich says candidly.

“Why the fuck would you pack Whey Protein Powders?”
“Mate, don't grill me about this now. I think I'm still a little bit high.”
“Alright alright,” Deeby settles “Lets just get through security. We've got nothing to worry about anymore.”

Protein Powder. No Coke. Me Swear.

Chris and Deeby watch Rich wrangle with security from a distance as they empty the contents of his bag.
“No liquids, Rich. How hard is that?” Chris thought aloud. “That's the biggest bottle of Mouthwash I've ever seen. It would probably double as a flammable.”

“This is actually really funny to watch,” Deeby added “He really doesn't need this right now. He's still really high.”

“He's always high. I bet he was high when he packed.”

“We're not even in Amsterdam yet.” Deeby noted.
Chris laughs... “Dickhead of the year goes to...!”



Dam Bitch!
Part 2 coming soon.

July Dickhead

Is it August already?!

Alright then.
Here are July's Dickheads.

Sister Dickhead

Dickhead Deeby with a Dickhead Desk

Dona is a well known social media dickhead. Snapchatting photo's of her feet, assuming Chris would be in China 'cos he posts a Picture the Great Wall on his facebook page and selfies. Bare selfies! #MirrorFlex. So partly to get back at her for being so digitally irritating and partly for shits and giggles, there's this thing The Dickhead Gang do. Every now and then Dona will post a selfie with her sister or one of her bae's or some shit. Then usually one of the boys will take the opportunity to get on her nerves with a simple comment...

“Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”

This usually sparks some "comment banter" with Dona saying something like “Take a hike, my sister would never stoop to your level, stop trying to add her on facebook, once is enough” etcetera etcetera...
Of course, this doesn't stop the dickheads from writing the above comment.
We must also inform you of Dona's height. Standing at a gigantic 4ft tall, people often tower a few heads higher than her when posing for pictures (even if she's wearing heels). I feel it must also be said that Dona is not a dwarf or a hobbit or anything, she just bare short.

So, when a new photo emerges on Facebook of Dona with a brand new bae towering two heads higher than her.... Deeby's natural response is “Dayuuuuuum Dona. Who's your friend?!”
That day he was shot down as her reply was “My 14 year old baby sister.”

Awkward...

Airport Dickhead

“If we were to smuggle weed back from Amsterdam,” Rich began “This is how we'd do it.”
It had already been an eventful morning. We'd had to get up at 4:30 to catch our flight, we'd racked up a £20 parking ticket for a 5 minute stop and was held in the bagging area 'cos Rich had packed unnecessary bottles of liquids amongst other vital stuff such as protein shakes and exercising shit... cos you know, Rich is ripped to shreds.

Protein shakes blad!

Showing our passports as we board, you'd think they'd be topics of conversation to avoid. Anything about weapons, explosives and drugs... right? Well not if you're Rich.

A “warm up zoot” in the car on the way to the airport to get on a plane to amsterdam seemed apt. “Let's get this party started!” they thought. Now at the airport in front of the woman who looks at your passport to see if you're legit, Rich begins... “They don't keep security in that corner of the airport...”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“I don't even see any sniffer dogs either.”
“Shut up, Rich” says Deeby.

“Aww mate,” Rich giggles. “I'm still high.”

Deeby passes the steward his passport and holds his head in his hands.

Who d'you think won this month? Comment below.

Also, keep your ear's peeled. A lot happened at the Netherlands.
Amsterdam Anecdotes coming soon.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead anecdote 8: Freshers

Freshers. A huge student night out. Everyone’s bought a ticket. It’s gonna be a MAD one.
You wouldn’t want to flop this kind of night out, would you? Well four Dickheads flopped left, right and centre. See how below:

Chris: No entry Dickhead

Pre-drinks for this kind of night out are a must... and they’re even better if you play a drinking game. The lads decide to play The Call of Duty (COD) drinking game. Here's the rules, a swig of beer every time you die, and two if you get stabbed. Unfortunately, Chris isn’t very good at the game…. He dies…. A LOT. 

Call of Duty: Classic Pissheads

POW, skip to a few hours later and Chris is excitedly jumping over one of the barriers to queue at the club. “You ain’t getting in, mate” says the bouncer. To make things worse, jumping the barrier wasn’t even necessary – Nobody was even in the queue yet! Dickhead!

Pao: KO’d Dickhead

Pao gets in to enjoy the night out, but not for very long! He gets into a fight he doesn’t even remember and is sent home in a taxi with a bloody nose. To this day he doesn’t remember what happened. Maybe he tried to move to someone’s girl? Maybe he spilt someone’s drink? Maybe he’s just a dickhead!

Bradley: Walking home Dickhead

Bradley notices that all his friends are gone! Chris didn’t get in and Pao disappeared, what’s the next logical thing to do? Go home. Walk. Why not? Makes sense. At least, it would if Bradley’s home was anywhere remotely near the club! This night out was in Hertfordshire and Bradley lives in London. Casually and drunkly walking along the motorway, Bradley truly believes he’ll get home. The police see him, stop him and escort him back to Pao’s house. Dickhead!

Meanwhile, Bradderz is like...

J: Window Dickhead

Props to J, he manages to stay in the club for the whole night. When it was clear Chris was never gonna get into the night of a lifetime, J gave Chris his home key. Of course, Chris decides to complicate matters by hitchhiking in someone else’s taxi and staying at another friend’s house. With Pao knocked out and unlikely to wake at the sound of a nuclear bomb and Bradley still experiencing his run in with the police, J is oblivious when he knocks on his front door as to why no one is answering.

J panics, how the hell is he going to get in? Simple: He jumps over the fence to the backyard, gets the ladder in the garden, climbs up to Pao’s window and….. REMOVES THE ENTIRE WINDOW. Literally, pulls the window out of it’s frame, climbs in and to goes to bed.

Yep, Pao sleeps through it all!

Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead aaaand Dickhead.

Dickhead out.

The Top 10 Dickheads at the 2014 World Cup

Who are we kidding? Football is full of Dickheads.

Okay, Mark Bresciano did some kids shoe laces, Tim Howard showed America why “Soccer” is a beautiful game and we've discovered this era's best footballing nation. Well done, Germany!

However, we've also been given the opportunity to find out which footballers are willing to bring their Dickhead ways to the worlds biggest stage.
Here's our top 10.

10. England Dickheads

The boys at #DOTY didn't expect England to make it to the final by any stretch. Hell, Deeby was always sure that England wouldn't even leave the group stages. But one Point? Bottom of the group? Are you kidding me? Sorry, that was brewing inside me. Rant over. At least some fans can see the bright side of life. 

9. 5-1 Dickeads

Your economy's in the stinker and your king abdicates himself from the throne against violent opposition and igniting major political unrest. You're defending champion, it's supposed to your golden era of football... You lose 5-1 in your opening match. I hate to add insult to injury, Spain... but that makes you a Dickhead.

8. Hair Dickhead

There's a number of bad haircuts in this years World Cup but these three... well...
Bacary Sagna. Still rocking them golden braids are ya? And who told you it was a good idea?
Asamoah Gyan had his number shaved into his head and dyed Golden. Does anything scream Conceited Dickhead any louder?

I'm actually impressed with Kyle Beckerman's dreads. Playing football with dreads is skill.

7. Kiss From the Queen Dickhead

At a time when England NEED Italy to beat Costa Rica, ex Manchester City star and opportunist, Mario Balotelli tweets...

I think it's funny. Still, doesn't stop you from looking like a Dickhead, Mario. You rank 7th.

6. Trip Dickhead

Take a close look at this poor attempt of a free kick.

Or watch this video for more detail.

Was that intentional? I mean, it looks like a free kick designed to completely catch the opposition unawares. Schweinsteiger (#7) runs a full circle in front of the ball, God knows what Khedira's (#6) doing and Muller (the one that tripped), well, trips.
Deeby and Aks argue for hours on end about whether that trip was intentional or not and for the wasted hours it's caused them... Muller's going on the list.

5. Muller Infuriating Pepe Dickhead

Muller again? You oughta rank #1 for earning two nominations but alas, that position is for someone special.

Muller's #5 for pretending that this hurt him.

4. Pepe Head Butting Muller Dickhead

Pepe's #4 for reacting like this...

C'mon, Pepe. You're 2-0 down and are supposed to be one of Portugals best defenders. Don't get a red card. Keep a lid on that anger. You, my dear Dickhead, are the reason your nation lost that game so badly. 4-0? Ouch.

3. Boateng and Muntari Dickheads

Little is known about what actually happened but it's alleged that Kevin Prince Boateng and Sulley Muntari (two of Ghana's most experienced footballers), unprovoked, attacked a member of the GFA (Ghanian Footballing Association). As a result they were dismissed from world cup immediately. Ghana never won another game... Dickheads.

2. Diving Dickhead

Arjen Robben is a world class footballer infamous for falling over and looking like he's been tackled.

After stealing a win against Mexico this year, Robben spoke to Dutch television and said:

“... there was an incident in the first half where I did dive. I must apologise. I should not be doing that.”

Sounds legit. It's just... the Dickhead Gang were a little confused to still see Robben dive in his next game. Well played, dickhead. Well played.

1. Dickhead Teeth

“Three bites and you're out.” was Alan Shearer's reaction, referring to the fact that this is the 3rd time Luis Suares has bitten an opponent in his career. Most people learn to stop biting other people as soon as they become teething toddlers but when you have teeth like Luis Suarez, I suppose you could be forgiven.

Dickhead of the 2014 World Cup, ladies and gentlemen. Luis Suarez!

Any Dickheads we missed out?

Comment and let us know.

Dickhead out.