Dickhead Anecdote #7 :: Hula Hoop Dickhead

A beer in the park kind of day. Ice cream, water fights and sunshine. Deeby and Chris jam in a corner of the green green park as a European family hula hoop a couple of meters away.

“I really want to hula hoop,” Says Deeby, “I wander if I can still Hula hoop. I’m gonna ask them if I can have a go.”
“Don't, man.” argues Chris, “You'll embarrass me... and you... but me more so.”
“Nah, bruv, I won't. When I was about 10 I once decided to hula hoop all the way through break time just to see if I could. And I did. 'Cos my hips don't lie and I'm amazing.”
“Nah, man. Don't go up to them.” argues Chris.
“Don't act like you don't want a go. I see you looking at them.” 

 

It's true. He was staring at the hula hoop family (but not like creep. He's a Dickhead, not a creep). Chris was deep in thought. The image of a hula hoop had re-ignited a long lost dickhead memory.
About 2 years prior to that beer in the park kind of day, Dona had invited The Dickhead Gang over to her place to celebrate her birthday. 

 

Pao and Chris had decided to trot to Dona's place together.
“Did you get Dona a present?” asked Chris
“No, did you?” replied Pao
“Nah. We should get her something. She's gonna think we're bad friends.”
“We are, though.”
“Yeah but as long as she doesn't THINK we're bad friends, then we can continue to be bad friends.”
“I suppose.” Pao yielded, finding sense in Chris' argument. “Should we go back and buy her something?”
“Nah, we're like 5 minutes away from her house. I'm not gonna turn around. Let’s stop walking for a second.” They stop walking. “Look around you. What do you see?”
Pao 360's his current location. They're dead in the middle of a half-run down council estate, next to a Primary School.
“I see flats, parked cars and rubbish. Bags and bags of rubbish.”
“I see a hula hoop. It's perfect.”

It's true. He was staring at a hula hoop. One so conveniently placed for the dustbin men to collect, along with other toys from the Primary School that had withered away at the hands of children for years and years, ready to be melted plastic and laid to rest like Woody and Buzz Lightyears worst nightmare. The toys stank.
“Dona's gonna love this.” smiled Chris.

They rock up to Dona’s birthday party with huge grins and hand her the hula hoop. A confused looking Dona accepts the gift, and tries to act grateful despite being baffled!

“We paid like £15 for that gift! You better like it!” Chris argues. Dickhead!

“That was over 2 years ago.” Deeby reminded him on that beer in the park kind of day. “You reckon she's still has it?”
“Only one way to find out.” Chris produces his phone.

“Well, whilst you're being a phone whore...” Deeby walks to the European hula hooping family and asks to hula hoop with them (but not like creep. He's a Dickhead, not a creep).
“Thrust the hips,” Deeby reminds himself “It's all in the hips.”
And so he thrusts and thrusts and thrusts and... “Hey Chris, check it out!” Deeby exclaims, “I still got it!”
“I know,” Chris laughs “... So does Dona!”

For the record Deeby hula hoops like this. 

 

And Chris hula hoops like this. 
 

Dickhead out.

April Dickhead!

April's over.

Four nominations?
What can I say? Dickheads will be Dickheads.

Here's what's happened...

Betting Dickhead #1

Dona's getting nominated for betting Deeby that he could never get with her sister.

Are you serious, Dona? Did you actually just pimp out your sister?

Click here for full size

Evidence is literally written in the WhatsApp chat above. Dickhead. Next. 

Vomiting in a playground Dickhead

Chris and Deeby are on their way home from Brick Lane feeling pretty waved after a few drinks, and take a detour through a children’s park on the way home.

These parks are designed for kids to play on, not for Dickheads to jam in, but being said Dickheads, Chris and Deeby decide to have a go on the swings!

They’re still buzzed right now….. maybe too buzzed, and it isn’t long before Deeby vomits all over the swings. You can only imagine the shock that the children and parents who came to this park the next day received! Dickhead!

Betting Dickhead #2

Rich isn’t very subtle when it comes to girls. Heck he isn’t very subtle when it comes to anything. He did THIS! Anyway, there just happens to be a female friend of the group who Rich is constantly talking about getting with, so much so that he actually BET Chris Ten Grand that he could get with said female friend within the next two years.

We won’t reveal who this is for the sake of the bet, but Chris and Deeby consider the chances of Rich actually getting with this girl ridiculously low. So much so that Chris considers himself to have already won Ten Grand and asks Deeby if he wants to tour the USA with Rich’s Ten Grand in two years.

The worse thing about this is that Rich probably won’t even pay up when he loses! You just might be in for a chance of winning both DOTY2014 and DOTY2016 at this rate Rich! Dickhead.

Yellow Bitch Dickhead

There's a game that Deeby and Bradderz often play called “Yellow Car”.
Rules are simple. You spot a yellow car, lightly jab your opponent and state “Yellow Car” whilst pointing at it.

There's a popular term amongst world famous gangsta rappers and the like. “Bitches”.
“Bad Bitch” is a term used to describe a woman who is good. “Basic Bitch” is a term used to describe a girl who likes One Direction, Gossip Girl and other basic shit. Bitch means woman.
We don't condone the use of such a word. But we use it 'cos were dickheads.

Chris isn't very good at Yellow Car. The gang were in the middle of a game once when Chris in annoyance pointed at a woman in a yellow raincoat and jabbed Deeby saying quite basically “Yellow Bitch”.

Then he saw another woman holding a yellow umbrella and jabbed Deeby. "Yellow Bitch!" he said.
Then he saw a Korean woman... Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

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Dickhead Anecdote #6 :: Wanna jam at mine?

Rich and Wills are best mates that still have trouble finding each other's houses. Once upon a time Wills was living in a place so dark and corrupted it inspired this meme.

One regular saturday morning, Wills rings up Rich. “Wanna jam at mine?” he asks “We can play Fifa, Call of Duty and watch football.”
Rich obliges, “Sure. Little problem though. I can't remember where you live init.”

“How?” Wills argues. “We've been mates for over ten years.”

“Err, yeah I know. But still, it's one of them ones, init. You live in Hackney.” Rich has a point.

Wills gives in. “Alright how about I meet you somewhere you know and I'll walk you to mine as usual.”

“Safe.” say's Rich.

As planned, Wills walks ten minutes to their rendezvous. Outside a strip club on Bethnal Green. Rich isn't there.
Ring Ring.

Wills is irritated. “Oi Rich. Where are you?”

Rich's excuse, “I can't remember where that strip club is, you know. I'm lost.”

“How? There's a woman on a pole in big neon lights. How do you not see it?”

“I see the underground station.”
“The underground station? You're ages away. Alright wait there! I'll walk over then we'll jam at mine.”

“Safe.” say's Rich.

As planned, Wills walks another ten minutes to the Underground Station.

Rich isn't there.

Ring Ring.

Wills is mad. “Oi Rich. Where are you?”

Rich's excuse, “I left my controller at home init. So I figured I'd go home, pick it up and meet you at the station. I didn't think you'd get there before me.”

“Well, I am.” Wills argues.

“Alright, I tell you what. I just picked up my controller. Meet me at Sainsbury's. I wanna pick up some snacks for when we jam at yours.”

Wills sighs, “Alright.”

“Safe.” say's Rich.

As planned, Wills walks another ten minutes to Sainsbury's.

Rich isn't there.

Ring Ring.

Wills is fuming. “Oi Rich. Where are you?”

Rich's excuse, “Mate, my cat climbed onto the top of the fridge. The bastard knocked a glass bottle full of vinegar onto the floor. I gotta clean this shit up 'cos it stinks.” (It didn't)

“What?!” Wills can't believe it.

“You know I only live round the corner. I'll be there in a minute.”

Wills vexed, exclaims. “FINE!”

“Safe.” say's Rich.

Knock Knock.

Wills is at Rich's front door.

Rich answers, still wearing tracksuit bottoms.

Wills is livid. “What the hell are you doing?”

“What are you doing? I thought we were goin' yours. How long was that walk?”

“I dunno, mate. Fucking ages.” Wills screams.

There's an awkward pause that Rich feels the need to fill.

“Wanna jam at mine?”

Wills shakes his head in disappointment. Classic Rich.

Dickhead out.

THE DICKHEAD GANG

'AY!
BIG NEWS Y'ALL!!!

You know us lot, yeah? The Dickhead Gang, yeah? Yeah us, yeah?
Well a couple of us have only gone and decided to become rappers. Made a little 3 track EP over the weekend.

Look here's the album artwork to prove it.

Click image to see enlarged.

Keep your ears open.
Available to download FREE soon.


Dickhead out.