Dickhead Anecdote #14: Tinder Dickheads

Final Anecdote of the year y'all,
And to get in the christmas spirit we've done nothing.
Here's some shit we did on Tinder...

 

 

 

 

You know what though? Some girls were Dickheads back.
Sick tings. Look.

...
And this troll of a profile picture

Merry Xmas, Dickheads.

Dickhead Of The Year 2014 to be announced soon...

November Dickhead!

It's December already?
Dickhead of The Year 2014 is almost over.
Boy do we have a year to be proud of.
Here's what happened last month!

Facebook Dickhead

Everyone knows a Dickhead that broadcasts his or her Dickhead thoughts via Facebook statuses.
The gang almost (ALMOST) felt bad nominating this guy, Rinza, 'cos, truth be told, they don't really know him that well.

Still, a Dickhead's a dickhead. And DOTY will hunt them down...

 

 

I know, right?
Dickhead.

Piff Friday Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang usually celebrate their weekends by hanging out on a Friday night, sharing a few bags of piff and passing round a bong. Often in between activities such as freestylin' rap bars, sippin' sambuca and watching bullshit on the internet.

When the crew DO write bars, one person usually doesn't get involved, Rich. It's not out of some self moral high ground or because he lacks the talent but purely because sometimes he thinks he lacks the talent. 

On this one particular Piff Friday, Chris tells media expert, Deeby, to get out his camera and record the night. It was to be a night of “Off the Top” lyrical maliciousness and misogyny, the sort to give Eminem a scare as he witnesses our lyrical phylogeny... and boy did it go well. 

Chris dropped 64 bars.
Deeby dropped 64 bars.
Chris was performing to the camera like a rap god. Deeby followed suit Everyone was hype, everyone was rapping and then... So did Rich... and he was amazing.

Deeby forgot to press record though. There were some special moments that night... and nobody else will ever know.

Dickhead.

Elf Dickhead

Half the Dickhead Gang decided to join a 6 a side football league. Rushed into giving the organisers a team name, Captain Rich declares that “We are to be called East London's Finest … But just type it in as E.L.F” he tells us (Not sure what was wrong with calling them “The Dickhead Gang”).

The night of the team's first game quickly arrives and it's at this point when the team fixtures and kick off times are finally published. Also at this point, the team names are up in flashing lights and on banners. Every league player got to feel pumped for the coming weeks and pride for the team they were representing. Confusion fell upon The Dickhead Gang though,when they found out that their team name was “Elf”.

Now not so pumped for the coming weeks or any pride for the team they were representing, the gang trudged onto the tournament as other teams laughed and joked. With a team name like “Elf”, they were surely not to be taken seriously. For the next three weeks, Rich heard a barrage of insults at his incapability to remember to put in full stops.

It wasn't until moments before this post was written that a few of the gang wanted to find out what the teams current position in the league was. Of course, their go to guy for info like this was Captain Rich. Problem was, when they asked, Rich was all like “I Dunno...”
“How do you not know? You're the manager, aint ya?” they asked.

“No.”
“Well who is then?”
“He is.” Rich answers, pointing at the only member of The Dickhead Gang yet to earn himself a Dickhead Nomination.

Meet Cons, Ladies and Gentlemen.

And he was happy to carry on letting Rich take the heat...

Ha. What a Dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Last round of nominations in December.
Keep your eyes peeled.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #13: The Whitest Boy Alive

So there's this Dickhead from Cambridge called Nangle that went uni with Aks.
It'd been a while since the two had last seen each other. A night out was long overdue. Reminiscent of the nights out during freshers; Ring of Fire, Chunder-Dragons and Fat Birds (These may or may not be drinking games).
The only thing you need to know about Nangle is that he's really white. No, I mean like mad white. Might just be the Whitest Boy Alive. His dancing can only be described as “Literally Lyrically Interpretative”. If a song were playing about drinking a cup of tea... he would mime drinking a cup of tea. Thing is Nicki Minaj's latest hit isn't about drinking a cup of tea.. we'll leave the dancing to your imagination.

Of course the whitest thing a guy can probably do is constantly tell a black person that they look like some other famous black person that they obviously don't look anything like. Aks and Deeby didn't get any of that on the night, probably 'cos they're mates... Can't say the same for all the black people in London's premier nightclub, Penthouse.

First victim.

“Dude, Carlton Cole is the “No Spray No Lay” guy in the mens toilet.” Nangle exclaims.

“What?” Aks cried. A sentence like that most definitely needed hearing again because this is a massive claim. One of the most respected players in English Premier League football? Only one of West Ham's top 20 first choice players... Was in Penthouse's toilet?... Being the “No Armani, No Punani” guy?
With how footballers act off the pitch nowadays, it certainly made for a plausible story.
“Go have a look if you don't believe me!” Nangle brags. The pair go to check.
It's not Carlton Cole. The guy doesn't even look like him. Turns out they're both Half-Nigerian.
“That must've been why I made the mistake” Nangle concluded.
“How diverse is Cambridge?” Deeby wandered.

Real African Hair

Second Victim

Whilst Aks was prowling the club doing his thing (Link Akramming) Deeby was doing well interacting with a girl who knew nothing about what he was saying. When she finally admitted she was French and in London to practice her English, Deeby decided to be a dickhead. He told her this lie.
“Nangle can speak French. Hey Nangle. Come over here.” Deeby hollered.
“You look like Jamelia!” Nangle opened.
Deeby had his head in hands but decided to let this one slide as he was in desperate need of a wingman whilst he went to the toilet.

Yes. The rabbit is necessary.

On his return, she was no where to be seen.

“Nangle! What happened?”
“Why did you tell her I could speak French?”

“What did you do?” Deeby was growing worried.

“I told her the only french word I knew... Bourbon. That's French, right?”
“And that's why she left?”
“Well No.” Nangle admitted, “She asked me to explain what it was.”
“And you said...?” Deeby knew what he said.

“It's brown on top. It's brown underneath and it's got a creamy filling,” Nangle finished. Deeby shook his head disappointment. “Was I wrong?” Nangle shrugged.

Third Victim

The trio finally make it to the top floor. The Funky House room. The Hip Hop room. The Bashment bend over and lemme see ya whine down low room. Aka... The Black Room.

Nangle screams...

“EVERYONE IN HERE LOOKS LIKE DANNY WELBECK!!”

I know, Danny. I know.

Dickhead out.

October Dickhead

October went...
And not a single post was written.
We ain't even sorry, Bitches!
October was Dope!

Check Mate Dickhead

Rich’s parents are away, and knowing they would be in advance, Rich decides to throw a house party. “This house party is gonna be sick you know, piff, girls, alcohol” Rich boasts with a grin. The day of the house party finally comes and everyone has been drinking, smoking, chatting – it’s going well so far.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Deeby brings out a chess board which he found in Rich’s house. Then he actually starts PLAYING chess right there and then in the middle of the party.

Chris and Rich are sat at the far end of the room looking at Deeby with dropped jaws. “Bruv I can’t believe this is actually happening. How are they playing chess at my house party! They’re killing the vibe!” as Chris nods in agreement, equally shocked.

 

Chewing Gum Dickhead

J-man is a prick when he is with Sare, no news there. Most of the time Sare is the butt of his jokes, and right now, J-man is probably laughing at the fact that I just called her a “butt”. 

After getting settled with the gang, he produces a pack of chewing gum. No one know's where from, but he does. He opens the pack and pops one into his mouth, as you do. “Want one?” he offers the person to his left, and then to the next, and then to the next. By the time he gets to Sare there are only 2 bits of gum left. “Here you go, Sare.” he says handing her the pack. “Oh gee, thanks.” She's sarcastic. No one knows why.

“Err Jamie,” Chris pries, “Was that Sare's packet of gum you just offered us?” J-man chuckles “Yeah.” “That was unnecessary.”

J-man chuckles “Yeah.”

What a dickhead!

Chyna Porn Dickhead

 

With no official DJ hired for the house party, music was provided via anyone with a phone with access to the internet and that little auxiliary wire that connects your phone to speakers. Naturally requests were coming from all over the room and from various phones. People were using their own phones and people were using other peoples phones. Phones were left vulnerable and not a single frape was made (These dickheads deserve a medal)... but a discovery was. 

As one song was coming to a close on a phone not belonging to Aks, he picks up the phone to find it unlocked and ready for a song change. Whether it had been up on the screen already, or if Aks was in fact attempting to frape said phone or indeed had to actually make the effort to scroll through

it's browsing history to find what he found and would thus make him a dickhead, is irrelevant information. 

“Eurgh!!! Everyone look at this!” Aks exclaims whilst parading the phone about. “Who's phone is this? Who's Chyna? Why are you looking at Porn?” “Oi, that's my phone! What you doing?” demands Rich. With no music blaring, the conversation is had and heard by everyone.

“What's Chyna porn?” Aks asks again.

“Aww, I bet my brother's been through my phone again. Ash, why were you looking at porn on my phone?” He shouts up the stairs, probably inviting unwanted attention. “Rich, who d'you think you're fooling? We all know it was you.”

“Yeah whatever, I was looking at Chyna porn.” He surrenders... instantly.

“Whatever man. Don't look at porn and keep on your phone and then have your phone out at your own house party. That's a dickhead move.” The party warn him, “And watch regular porn, this shit is grim.”

 The picture above. That's Chyna. I know, right? Dickhead!

Boobgrab Dickhead!
 

J-man is a prick when he is with Sar, no news there... 

This one time, right out of the blue, he squeezed her boob whilst simultaneously squeaking...

“Boobgrab!”

...which might have been ok if, when, you're um... Nope. I'm not sure that's ever ok. Dickhead. 

The "I Need Bed" Dickhead

 

If there was a party that the Dickhead Gang could NOT have missed this year, it would have been this one. This wasn't just a friday. This was “Con's 21^st Bday Halloween Special Piff Friday”. A lot of effort had been put into this party and it was all paying off. Halloween decorations adorned the house lit only by UV strobe lighting that lit up glow in the dark stuff. Boys were jamming, Girls were dancing,. It was going down.

Then it hit him. Chris got so waved he had his head in his hands and was contemplating life in the most pitiful of stances. “Nah man,” he says “I need a bed, man” He gets up and shoots off to the nearest bed just as the party was warming up.
To which Cons says “Chris, you just got nominated for Dickhead of the Year.” To which Deeby and Rich think “You know what? Yeah. Chris just got himself nominated...”
By the very Birthday boy host of the very special night... That Chris missed.

Dickhead.

Who d'you think should win this month? Drop a comment below.

Dickhead out.

September Dickhead

September's over already?
Dickhead of the Year 2014 will receive their crown in about 3 months from today.
Mental. So who was a Dickhead in September?
Read on, init!

 

Re-union Dickhead

Earlier in the year, Kris was nominated for this (Click Here). August came and they still hadn't seen her. Dona must've felt bad about it, having Kris nominated for DOTY and everything 'cos she decided to organise a little reunion.
So doubtful that her efforts would be successful, Deeby, Chris and Pao place a bet with her.
“You pull this off, we'll give you a hundred quid. You don't, you give us a hundred quid. Everyone on this list must attend. You have 30 day's from now. Deal?”

“Deal.” Dona agrees.

The next few days was horrible. A barrage of questions about everyones availability, hobbies, interests and dietary requirements spewed out of the little indian like a Brick Lane curry out of Deeby's arse. With 2 days left till the event Dona continues to ask the boys for help organising the meet in between changing the date and time of the event.

On the day a few people arrive on time. Aks is an hour early as Dona failed to keep him up to speed, she then has a full on rant at Deeby like it was his fault and then believe or not.... Turns up late.

Hats off to her, she pulled it off.

But the hassle. Oh God, the hassle.
You're nominated, Dona!

Time Zone Dickhead

Rich lives in his own time zone. The man's gonna be late for his own funeral. Without his knowledge, the rest of the gang had begun using a system to get him where they wanted him, when they wanted him there and without causing themselves any inconvenience. It goes like this.

You say... “Hey Rich, I'll meet you at the station at 6:00”
He replies, “Alright mate, I'll see you there at 6:00.”
You get to the station at 7:00.
He meets you there at 7:02.

He apologises and spews out a couple of excuses, none of which you care about 'cos you always planned to meet him at 7:00 anyways.

Imagine Deeby's surprise when he had gone through the process above only for Rich to still be late.
“I bet you weren't even that busy,” Deeby argued “I bet you was doing something stupid like watching 24.”
Rich laughed “Yeah mate, I was.”
“But that's only like forty five minutes long. You're almost two hours late. It wouldn't make sense, not unless you watched two episodes of 24.”

Rich laughed some more “Yeah mate, I did.”
And the mystery as to why Rich is so late so often is solved.
He's a dickhead.

Big Mouth Dickhead

The Dickhead Gang roll down the streets of East London late on a Friday night 'cos they're hard and they'll have ya. No news there.
In the distance not so far ahead is a couple. A white man who's about seven feet tall and an asian woman who's roughly four feet tall (Height may or may not be exaggerated).
The entire gang notice the odd pairing, it's hard not to. What's easy to do is stay quiet. Their conversation was already stagnant, after all. While everyone else was thinking of ways to progress from the current silence in a humane manner. Chris decided to point them out and say “Errr man, that's some Human Trafficking shit right there.”
No, Chris. You're just a dickhead.

Who d'you think wins this month?

Dickhead out.