Dickhead Anecdote #4

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February Dickhead!

February is over. The Dickhead of the Year nominations for this month are in... And they're all NEW!

Availability Dickhead

Meet Kristina, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Kristina's known the honourable members of The Dickhead Gang since way before the idea of DOTY ever existed. That's a long time. Unfortunately, she doesn't quite often see the crew. It isn't for a lack of trying.

It's the first few days of February, Kristina broadcasts a message to her companions. She explains a sad truth. A truth that is quite often mentioned by differing members of the group.

“Hey, we haven't seen each other in ages.
No, really. I don't think I remember the last time I saw you guys.
We should do something soon, seriously.”

The rest of the group see no quarrel with her statement. So Chris replies saying...

“I've invited you to bare things. You organise it this time.”

Kristina replies...

“Ok cool. I can't do this month but I am free next month?”

Next Month?

NEXT MONTH?!

Who does that? Who sends out a group message, begs to see her friends, gets the opportunity to organise an event, than stalls for a month? How badly did she wanna see her friends?

Lets not rip into her entirely. There must be a legit reason for being too busy to spare one evening out of a month.
She might be a secret agent? She might be batman? She might just be a Dickhead.

Our money's on the latter.

Birthday Dickhead

Meet Dona, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Like Kristina, she's a friend that Chris and Aks have known since secondary school (high school for our American audience), and who they've kept in touch with during University, usually seeing her for her birthday each year.

Just to clarify, Dona lives in a fairly strict asian family. She doesn't go clubbing, and she turns down almost any night out she's invited to.

So Dona's birthday comes up in early Feb and she decides to send a text out telling us to keep Saturday free incase she does something for it.

Saturday comes up..... nothing happens.

Aks decides to text her “what's happening?'.

“aww dw” she replies.

Chris (unaware of Aks' text) texts Dona the next day and says “lol what happened?”

They have a conversation, and it turns out Dona DID do something for her birthday with her Uni friends.

Not only that but she went on a night out with them!

Par. This is a girl they've known for almost ten years!

So not only did she par everyone by inviting them, and then uninviting them for her Uni friends, but she did the one activity she claims never to do!

Diiicccccckheeeeead!

Snapchat Dickheads

Meet Pao, one of a handful of new dickheads to grace DOTY.

Pao, like Kristina and Dona, has known the honourable members of The Dickhead Gang since secondary school. He is also a keen user of the popular smart phone app, SnapChat.

To be fair, he's not quite as bad as Dona, who also send ridiculous, pointless and just plain stupid Snapchats. As a result, Dona has been nominated twice this month.

The image below is compilation of their snapchats. The members of the Dickhead gang felt that it was unfair that they be the only people to feast their eyes on such pointless images.

Click HERE for enlarged image.

Who do YOU think wins this month?

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #3 :: Spilling Drinks

So Chris and Aks are on a night out in central, going H.A.M. to Jay-z songs as you do.
Some drunk guy notices this and starts talking to them, saying he had only just turned 18 and he hadn't been clubbing much.
Most people might have told him to go away, but Chris and Aks are drunk and social dickheads.
After they said they were in final year of Uni and had been doing this for three years he was amazed.
"What a weird kid" they thought.
Then he asked them how to talk to girls. Again, most people would have told him to go away. Not Chris and Aks.

"Challenge accepted" they thought as they walked over to a table with two girls.
Chris sat down and just as he opened his mouth to talk... it happened.
Aks attempts to sit down. Either due to clumsiness or drunkeness, he bumps the table and spills both girl's drinks.
Disaster! Even the kid who asked them how to talk to girls had disappeared.
There's no coming back from this one.

"Crying over spilt milk? No. Get the pussy a drink!"

...BUT THERE IS.
"I'll buy you new ones" Aks says, leaving Chris with the girls.

Somehow it actually started to go well. They didn't seem pissed, probably due to Aks' promise. The conversation was going well.
Being the dickhead he is, Chris was at that point, deciding which of them he'd move to and which Aks could take.
Little did Chris know what was about to happen!

At the bar, Aks asks how much the drinks are.
"What?!" Aks says after hearing the price. "Nah it's ok" he says after the bartender repeats the price of the over-expensive drinks.
This is probably where we should mention, Chris' phone had died earlier that night. iPhone battery life is not the one!
Anyway, wanting to avoid an awkward situation Aks texts Chris these exact words...
 

"Allow the drink prices, let's go".

Of course, Chris has no way of receiving this text.
After about 20 minutes of waiting around Aks comes to his senses and walks over to the table. Confidently (and probably not even sorry), he says...

"I don't have any money...."

Aks doesn't have any money.

The girls look pissed. All potential chance of getting with them is gone. Immediately Chris stands and leaves. Aks follows swiftly.
Neither look back... because, well, there's no coming back from this one.

Well done Aks!

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #2 :: Are you gonna bang doe?

Night out. 3rd night in a row.
Why? 'Cos you're a dickhead.
Let's not lie to ourselves, regular human beings don't do that.

By the third night, you'd wanna try and make things a bit more interesting for yourself, right? What do you do? Invite more friends out? Take a girly home for the night? Party all night and watch the sun rise?

Not if you're Deeby or Chris.

Chris: Let's go to the smoking area.
Deeby: Why? We don't smoke.
Chris: We could start our own Anti-Smoking Campaign.
Deeby: Yeah, that's a good idea.

Think you look sexy?... No. Lung cancer.

Without the thumping music it seems that everyone can hear each other a little clearer. Chris overhears a couple arguing over something minuscule.  The saint that he is, he decides to defuse the situation...

Chris: Listen yeah!! You ain't gonna bang her. She ain't gonna bang you. You ain't gonna bang him and he ain't gonna bang you.

They stare at him, stumped. Chris continues...

Chris: Are you gonna bang, though?!

The couple look at their company, seething. They walk in opposite directions.

MEANWHILE...

A young lad approaches Deeby.

Young Lad: Excuse me, mate. You a got a lighter for me fag?

Deeby looks at the young lad and shakes his head disapprovingly.

Deeby: Nah man, smoking's bad for you. You shouldn't smoke.

Dickheads.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #1

On a night out Chris see's a girl wearing a French Beret.

He walks across the room and says to her...

“Are you French or a hipster?”

She replies,

“I'm Lebanese”

Chris say's...

“Oh.”

...And walks away.

Reminiscing the awkward event later on, Chris talks of his experience saying...

“I literally had nothing to say to her unless she was French or a Hipster.

The Lebanese thing was so unexpected that I just walked off.”

Well done, Chris.

Dickhead out.