Dickhead Anecdote #12: Dickhead Teachers

Did you know that pretty much all (bar one or two people) of the Dickheads nominated on this blog went to the same secondary school? Maybe that’s why they’re all Dickheads? Could they have been influenced perhaps by the ones who taught them? Have a read about some of the Dickhead teachers they had and decide for yourself!

School

Wine Dickhead

Unfortunately, their graphics teacher wasn't a drunk, naked Cameron Diaz. Hollywood eh?

It’s Graphics class, and everyone’s almost finished the packaging they were designing for the past two years. Naturally people are gonna wanna bring in some products to see if their design works. One girl brings in an expensive looking bottle of wine for her box. A few Graphics lessons later…
The wine is gone! The Graphics teacher claims it simply went missing….
But Chris definitely saw him looking particularly merry during an after school Graphics class that week! Dickhead!

Tesco Dickhead

Being a teacher isn’t easy! Teaching classes all day, marking poorly written homework all night. How do they find the time for the things we all need to do: shopping for example. Well the maths teacher in the Dickhead Gang’s school found a way around it. 

“Class, please complete these exercises I’ve written on the board, I’ll be back shortly.”

Forty minutes later the lesson is almost over. Half the class just messed about due to lack of a teacher, some thought it was a good chance for a nap, but the students that actually bothered to complete the exercises start to wonder where the hell the teacher went. They look outside the window.
He’s loading Tesco shopping bags into his car. Dickhead!

Insulting Parents Dickhead

Your class is messing around, paper planes are travelling around the room, nobody is working, listening to you or acknowledging your authority. A standard science lesson in the Dickhead Gang’s school. This science teacher was so bad at controlling the class she had to call in another teacher. But not just any teacher! This teacher took no shit when it came to controlling a class. As soon as she walked into the class she exploded with...

"YOU ARE DUMB BECUASE YOUR PARENTS ARE DUMB!"

A stunned silence filled the room, and despite the fact that a teacher had just dissed all their parents, nobody dared to respond or even laugh until she had left the room! A controversial way to silence a class, but effective nonetheless.

With teachers like these, no wonder the Dickhead Gang turned out the way they are! Dickhead out!

Dickhead Anecdote #11: Dam Bitch! (Part 3)

Hold up! Have you read Part 1 and Part 2? Nah? Well click on those links then come back init. 

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

I like to Move It Move It

          You like to...

           MOVE IT

Chris was expecting this exact song to be blaring amongst a myriad of scantily clad women dancing in carnival-esque fashion as we entered the Red Light District. He was sorely disappointed.

Rich was in heaven so he lead the way. Chris and Deeby were discussing the similarity’s between their current activity to a trip to the zoo, the conversation drifted towards the contemporary state of feminism and whether men should feel emasculated buying shower gel marketed at women. Meanwhile...

“Rich, this is the third time you've brought us to this street?” Deeby pointed out.

“This is the tranny street, man!” Chris added “Why d'you keep bringing us here? Is there something you want to tell us.”
“Nah man, I just keep getting lost. All these streets look the same.” Rich argues.

“Yeah, alright.” The others thought.

Did you hear about Lisa? She had her appendix taken out. Now, she's only a prostitute on the side.

Deciding to soak in some Dutch culture, the next day was spent at the Van Gogh Museum.

They smoke a few zoots first, of course. On the 1^st floor now, Rich gets groggy.

“Nah man, I need to sit down.” Rich exclaims.
“You alright, mate?” Chris is concerned.
“Yeah, you guys go check out the paintings, I'm just gonna sit here for a second.”
Chris and Deeby circle the floor and come back only to see Rich in the middle of the gallery passed out. Gone. Fully asleep. “He's supposed to be the heavyweight,” Deeby clarified. “Should we help him?”
“He ain't goin' anywhere.”
“Yeah, we'll come back in a bit or in an hour or two.”

That night, the not so nail-biting Argentina Holland world cup semi-final was on. Rich hyped about how amazing it was that were going to watch a Holland football match whilst in Holland (even though he had already fallen asleep watching the Germany Brazil game on the previous night), it was one of his main reasons for being here. Totally into the spirit of things, Deeby buys a bright orange Holland jacket whilst Chris looks for a Dutch pub. A wave of fans dressed in all orange chant and cheer in optimism. It's kick off. The whistle blows and Rich yells...

“COME ON YOU ARGIES!! SHOW HOLLAND HOW IT'S DONE!”

Chris, Deeby and about 5 or 6 Dutch patriots all turn their heads at him.

Deeby shakes his head at Rich. Chris has his head in his hands.

“What?!” asks Rich, oblivious.

What Chris sees when he's on truffles.

A new day... which means new drugs.
Truffles, the local delicacy, happened to be on the menu on that "Beer in the Park" kind of day. An hour after consumption Deeby wasn't feeling anything so decided to buy a sandwich from a nearby shop, Rich was chillin' off a teeny buzz but Chris was going to town. Sat on the grass, legs crossed like he does yoga and palms hovering over the floor, gently brushing blades of grass. He smiles like he's found the meaning of life.

When Deeby returned, the pair were both on their phones. “Oi Phone Whores,” He called “Bored of each other already?”
“He's on his phone being anti-social and not enjoying his holiday,” Chris began “So I wrote a poem about it.”

Chris' Poem: Rich in Dam

Rich is in dam, but is he here.
Nah. Not it Dam.

“And Phone whore number 2. Whats your excuse?”
“Aww I'm tellin you man, it's one of them ones,” Rich whimpered “You two have no idea how lucky you are not to have parents on your back all the time. I'm still get irritating messages from my auntie about being in Amsterdam. Why do they keep talking about Bitter Gold?”

“That's Peak times for you, init!” Deeby laughs. Beep Beep.
“Uh oh. Phone whore number 3.” Rich notes.

“Oh shit.” Deeby's stunned at his text.

“What?” Chris asks.

“Just got a message from Wumz. “So Sorry Adeeb. I messed up. I let it slip to your mum that you smoke weed. So so sorry. Hope you don't get in too much trouble.”

A beat of silence is quickly interrupted by immense hysterical laughter from Chris and Rich. They're in tears.
Chris can't help but say it once more... “Dickhead of the year goes to...”

Dam Bitch!

August Dickhead!

Another month equals another batch of Dickhead Stories..
August was a very special month for one very special dickhead.
Read on to get the scoop.


Notting Hill Dickhead

Look, Rich is dressed up and everyting.

Rich has a 1.5ltr bottle of coke and a whole bottle of vodka for himself. He takes a swig of the Vodka.
 

“Oh Shit. That's actually quite strong.” He notes to himself.

At this point, most people would probably pour a little of the vodka into the bottle of Coke.

Not Rich. With two shots of the vodka gone, Rich's bright idea was to weaken the bottle of vodka by filling it with coca cola.
For about half an hour, Rich was doing The Notting Hill Carnival right.
Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance. Dance. Drink. Drink. Dance.

It was 1:30 when it hit him.

Rich was struggling to stand up and Chris was determined to hit on this one Police Woman. So Chris did what any dickhead would do. He carried him around and left him to sit on a kerb or by a tree with his head in his hands. Of course, Chris wasn't getting very far and decided it'd probably be best to just get him home. On the underground now, which was a trek because the streets of Notting Hill were rammed, Rich's Dance, Drink, Drink, Dance routine seemed to have been replaced with something very different very quickly.
Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit. Vomit. Sleep. Sleep. Vomit.

Dickhead.

FIFA Dickhead

No, Not Sepp Blatter (Though we really oughta do an article on him at some point.)

“Nah mate, I'm pissed off at you.” Rich declares. “You got a target on your head. I wanna beat you like 9 or 10 nil.”

Deeby's not the best at Fifa. Before these series of events, he'd be the first to unashamedly admit that he's not very good but he'd make you work to win. So as you might have suspected, it was a massive shock when Deeby visited Rich's house for a Fifa Lads Night In, only to beat almost everyone in the house, Rich included. 4-1, bruv.

Deeby's skills came out of nowhere... as did Rich's vengeful fury.
“Not tonight, mate. Nah. It's one of them ones... I can't let that slide. We have an audience today. So I'm gonna beat you in front of all your mates.”
It was another Fifa Lads Night In, this time at Deeby's place.
87 Fifa minutes in. The game stands at 4-1 to Deeby. Nobody was expecting the scoreline to repeat itself. Rich had steam firing out of his ears. Deeby was in giggles. Then he scored again.

Rich holds his pride and cries...

“5-1, Rich! It's 5-1.” Deeby was in hysterics now. Even he couldn't believe it. “Awww mate. You look so pissed. This is so funny. Your brothers are never gonna believe this. No, I mean it. That ACTUALLY wont believe this. I'm gonna have to take a picture of the scoreline. Post it on instagram and facebook and tag 'em, otherwise they'll never see...”

Rich heard enough. In a single motion of panic and rage, he got up leapt forward and turned off the Xbox.
Sore Loser much? Dickhead.

Suspended Dickhead

Lidl Wayne

With beers and some new friends, the gang talk life ambitions and careers. It's at this moment that Rich drops his bomb shell.
“Yeah, I got suspended from my job for stealing?”
The room is in a stunned silence. They couldn't believe it. Rich was suspended for stealing.
“From where you work?” Chris clarifies. Rich nods.
“Lidl's?” Chris makes doubly sure. Rich nods again.
“You got fired from Lidl's?!”
It takes a special man to achieve such accolades and Chris is justified in asking three times.
Chilling with the boys that night was a mid 30's, hard talking beast of a cockney lad.
He's louder than Susan Boyle, big like Steve Austin and talks like Vinnie Jones. You don't fuck with him. He's good conscience couldn't ignore what Rich had just admitted and so... he began to share some wisdom with Rich. A troubled man with his head screwed back on right. He tells them the story of his dark past which included run in's with the police, a job loss or two and an addiction to cocaine.

His story is moving, inspirational and will probably become an Oscar raved biopic one day. He tells them that he's learnt from his mistakes and will never stoop to such lows ever again before ending his speech with a simple question.
“...So Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“No,” The room whispers “Say No. I will never steal from work again.” But that's not how Rich thinks.

“...So, Rich. Will you ever steal from work again?”
“What? Somewhere shitty like Lidl? ...Yeah probably.”
Dickhead!

August Dickhead

Shit boy! Three Nominations in one month? And the ONLY one to be nominated? This calls for a nomination in itself! Rich, you truly are Dickhead of August 2014!