Dickhead anecdote 8: Freshers

Freshers. A huge student night out. Everyone’s bought a ticket. It’s gonna be a MAD one.
You wouldn’t want to flop this kind of night out, would you? Well four Dickheads flopped left, right and centre. See how below:

Chris: No entry Dickhead

Pre-drinks for this kind of night out are a must... and they’re even better if you play a drinking game. The lads decide to play The Call of Duty (COD) drinking game. Here's the rules, a swig of beer every time you die, and two if you get stabbed. Unfortunately, Chris isn’t very good at the game…. He dies…. A LOT. 

Call of Duty: Classic Pissheads

POW, skip to a few hours later and Chris is excitedly jumping over one of the barriers to queue at the club. “You ain’t getting in, mate” says the bouncer. To make things worse, jumping the barrier wasn’t even necessary – Nobody was even in the queue yet! Dickhead!

Pao: KO’d Dickhead

Pao gets in to enjoy the night out, but not for very long! He gets into a fight he doesn’t even remember and is sent home in a taxi with a bloody nose. To this day he doesn’t remember what happened. Maybe he tried to move to someone’s girl? Maybe he spilt someone’s drink? Maybe he’s just a dickhead!

Bradley: Walking home Dickhead

Bradley notices that all his friends are gone! Chris didn’t get in and Pao disappeared, what’s the next logical thing to do? Go home. Walk. Why not? Makes sense. At least, it would if Bradley’s home was anywhere remotely near the club! This night out was in Hertfordshire and Bradley lives in London. Casually and drunkly walking along the motorway, Bradley truly believes he’ll get home. The police see him, stop him and escort him back to Pao’s house. Dickhead!

Meanwhile, Bradderz is like...

J: Window Dickhead

Props to J, he manages to stay in the club for the whole night. When it was clear Chris was never gonna get into the night of a lifetime, J gave Chris his home key. Of course, Chris decides to complicate matters by hitchhiking in someone else’s taxi and staying at another friend’s house. With Pao knocked out and unlikely to wake at the sound of a nuclear bomb and Bradley still experiencing his run in with the police, J is oblivious when he knocks on his front door as to why no one is answering.

J panics, how the hell is he going to get in? Simple: He jumps over the fence to the backyard, gets the ladder in the garden, climbs up to Pao’s window and….. REMOVES THE ENTIRE WINDOW. Literally, pulls the window out of it’s frame, climbs in and to goes to bed.

Yep, Pao sleeps through it all!

Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead aaaand Dickhead.

Dickhead out.

The Top 10 Dickheads at the 2014 World Cup

Who are we kidding? Football is full of Dickheads.

Okay, Mark Bresciano did some kids shoe laces, Tim Howard showed America why “Soccer” is a beautiful game and we've discovered this era's best footballing nation. Well done, Germany!

However, we've also been given the opportunity to find out which footballers are willing to bring their Dickhead ways to the worlds biggest stage.
Here's our top 10.

10. England Dickheads

The boys at #DOTY didn't expect England to make it to the final by any stretch. Hell, Deeby was always sure that England wouldn't even leave the group stages. But one Point? Bottom of the group? Are you kidding me? Sorry, that was brewing inside me. Rant over. At least some fans can see the bright side of life. 

9. 5-1 Dickeads

Your economy's in the stinker and your king abdicates himself from the throne against violent opposition and igniting major political unrest. You're defending champion, it's supposed to your golden era of football... You lose 5-1 in your opening match. I hate to add insult to injury, Spain... but that makes you a Dickhead.

8. Hair Dickhead

There's a number of bad haircuts in this years World Cup but these three... well...
Bacary Sagna. Still rocking them golden braids are ya? And who told you it was a good idea?
Asamoah Gyan had his number shaved into his head and dyed Golden. Does anything scream Conceited Dickhead any louder?

I'm actually impressed with Kyle Beckerman's dreads. Playing football with dreads is skill.

7. Kiss From the Queen Dickhead

At a time when England NEED Italy to beat Costa Rica, ex Manchester City star and opportunist, Mario Balotelli tweets...

I think it's funny. Still, doesn't stop you from looking like a Dickhead, Mario. You rank 7th.

6. Trip Dickhead

Take a close look at this poor attempt of a free kick.

Or watch this video for more detail.

Was that intentional? I mean, it looks like a free kick designed to completely catch the opposition unawares. Schweinsteiger (#7) runs a full circle in front of the ball, God knows what Khedira's (#6) doing and Muller (the one that tripped), well, trips.
Deeby and Aks argue for hours on end about whether that trip was intentional or not and for the wasted hours it's caused them... Muller's going on the list.

5. Muller Infuriating Pepe Dickhead

Muller again? You oughta rank #1 for earning two nominations but alas, that position is for someone special.

Muller's #5 for pretending that this hurt him.

4. Pepe Head Butting Muller Dickhead

Pepe's #4 for reacting like this...

C'mon, Pepe. You're 2-0 down and are supposed to be one of Portugals best defenders. Don't get a red card. Keep a lid on that anger. You, my dear Dickhead, are the reason your nation lost that game so badly. 4-0? Ouch.

3. Boateng and Muntari Dickheads

Little is known about what actually happened but it's alleged that Kevin Prince Boateng and Sulley Muntari (two of Ghana's most experienced footballers), unprovoked, attacked a member of the GFA (Ghanian Footballing Association). As a result they were dismissed from world cup immediately. Ghana never won another game... Dickheads.

2. Diving Dickhead

Arjen Robben is a world class footballer infamous for falling over and looking like he's been tackled.

After stealing a win against Mexico this year, Robben spoke to Dutch television and said:

“... there was an incident in the first half where I did dive. I must apologise. I should not be doing that.”

Sounds legit. It's just... the Dickhead Gang were a little confused to still see Robben dive in his next game. Well played, dickhead. Well played.

1. Dickhead Teeth

“Three bites and you're out.” was Alan Shearer's reaction, referring to the fact that this is the 3rd time Luis Suares has bitten an opponent in his career. Most people learn to stop biting other people as soon as they become teething toddlers but when you have teeth like Luis Suarez, I suppose you could be forgiven.

Dickhead of the 2014 World Cup, ladies and gentlemen. Luis Suarez!

Any Dickheads we missed out?

Comment and let us know.

Dickhead out.

June Dickhead: An Ibiza Special

So surprisingly, it’s been a pretty Dickhead free month in London. I guess that means there are no nominations and that the members of DOTY have finally changed their Dickhead ways……

Not a chance! The only reason it’s been so peaceful is because several members of the Dickhead gang have been causing mayhem in Ibiza (a place where Dickheads thrive)!

 

 

Ms. Dynamite Dickhead

I'm Ms Dy-Nah-My-Tee eee!

Chris sees Ms Dynamite the night after her concert in Gatecrasher Ibiza (a club in San Antonio). She’s in the VIP area of course so nobody can get there. Does this stop Chris? Nope. “Nah man I’m getting with Ms. Dynamite” he says drunkenly to the group. “How much is the VIP area??” 

The night ends and Chris doesn’t manage to get into the VIP area. Shame! But he doesn’t stop there. He sees Ms. Dynamite outside on the phone.
“Now’s my chance!” He says to himself.
Chris makes the whole group wait ages for her to finish her call just so he can get a selfie. Then he claims that he got with Ms. Dynamite. We claim he’s chatting shit. Dickhead! 

Passport Dickhead

 

This one isn’t about a member of the Dickhead gang, but definitely deserves a mention.

On their way to an after party now, the gang meet a drunken guy who unexpectedly yet persistently follows the group telling them that his girlfriend dumped him whilst on holiday and that he has no money left, but still wants to go on a night out despite his obviously terrible position. He's basically Richard from the Inbetweeners Movie: 

Anyway, later on in the night after having successfully ditched him, Chris and Brad see him again. He’s only gone and sold his passport…. for ketamine. We call bullshit again. Dickhead!

Sleeping on the beach Dickheads

On an unplanned night full of havoc in San Antonio, the gang get separated! Most of the group decide to go back to the hotel. Not Chris and J (New Dickhead here). They decide to continue partying all night…. And morning. 

At 9am they decide they should probably stop and go back. Chris suggests walking back. After about ten minutes they realise their hotel is on the other side of the island. Seeing as it’s 9am and they’re pretty tired and drunk, instead of deciding to take a taxi they notice a fence connecting to a hotel full of tanning chairs and even little beds lined over the sand. 

Somehow they get a brilliant idea: “Let’s just take two of these and sleep on the beach”. Everything is going well…. For about two minutes. A grumpy looking Spanish man appears out of nowhere and chases them away, likely cursing in Spanish, with his fist in the air like a scene from a cartoon! 

They eventually get a taxi back….. but they realise none of them took a set of keys from the others before separating from the group…. The only option: ACTUALLY sleeping on the beach! Dickheads

 

Who wins this month?

Dickhead Out.