Dickhead Anecdote #13: The Whitest Boy Alive

So there's this Dickhead from Cambridge called Nangle that went uni with Aks.
It'd been a while since the two had last seen each other. A night out was long overdue. Reminiscent of the nights out during freshers; Ring of Fire, Chunder-Dragons and Fat Birds (These may or may not be drinking games).
The only thing you need to know about Nangle is that he's really white. No, I mean like mad white. Might just be the Whitest Boy Alive. His dancing can only be described as “Literally Lyrically Interpretative”. If a song were playing about drinking a cup of tea... he would mime drinking a cup of tea. Thing is Nicki Minaj's latest hit isn't about drinking a cup of tea.. we'll leave the dancing to your imagination.

Of course the whitest thing a guy can probably do is constantly tell a black person that they look like some other famous black person that they obviously don't look anything like. Aks and Deeby didn't get any of that on the night, probably 'cos they're mates... Can't say the same for all the black people in London's premier nightclub, Penthouse.

First victim.

“Dude, Carlton Cole is the “No Spray No Lay” guy in the mens toilet.” Nangle exclaims.

“What?” Aks cried. A sentence like that most definitely needed hearing again because this is a massive claim. One of the most respected players in English Premier League football? Only one of West Ham's top 20 first choice players... Was in Penthouse's toilet?... Being the “No Armani, No Punani” guy?
With how footballers act off the pitch nowadays, it certainly made for a plausible story.
“Go have a look if you don't believe me!” Nangle brags. The pair go to check.
It's not Carlton Cole. The guy doesn't even look like him. Turns out they're both Half-Nigerian.
“That must've been why I made the mistake” Nangle concluded.
“How diverse is Cambridge?” Deeby wandered.

Real African Hair

Second Victim

Whilst Aks was prowling the club doing his thing (Link Akramming) Deeby was doing well interacting with a girl who knew nothing about what he was saying. When she finally admitted she was French and in London to practice her English, Deeby decided to be a dickhead. He told her this lie.
“Nangle can speak French. Hey Nangle. Come over here.” Deeby hollered.
“You look like Jamelia!” Nangle opened.
Deeby had his head in hands but decided to let this one slide as he was in desperate need of a wingman whilst he went to the toilet.

Yes. The rabbit is necessary.

On his return, she was no where to be seen.

“Nangle! What happened?”
“Why did you tell her I could speak French?”

“What did you do?” Deeby was growing worried.

“I told her the only french word I knew... Bourbon. That's French, right?”
“And that's why she left?”
“Well No.” Nangle admitted, “She asked me to explain what it was.”
“And you said...?” Deeby knew what he said.

“It's brown on top. It's brown underneath and it's got a creamy filling,” Nangle finished. Deeby shook his head disappointment. “Was I wrong?” Nangle shrugged.

Third Victim

The trio finally make it to the top floor. The Funky House room. The Hip Hop room. The Bashment bend over and lemme see ya whine down low room. Aka... The Black Room.

Nangle screams...

“EVERYONE IN HERE LOOKS LIKE DANNY WELBECK!!”

I know, Danny. I know.

Dickhead out.

October Dickhead

October went...
And not a single post was written.
We ain't even sorry, Bitches!
October was Dope!

Check Mate Dickhead

Rich’s parents are away, and knowing they would be in advance, Rich decides to throw a house party. “This house party is gonna be sick you know, piff, girls, alcohol” Rich boasts with a grin. The day of the house party finally comes and everyone has been drinking, smoking, chatting – it’s going well so far.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Deeby brings out a chess board which he found in Rich’s house. Then he actually starts PLAYING chess right there and then in the middle of the party.

Chris and Rich are sat at the far end of the room looking at Deeby with dropped jaws. “Bruv I can’t believe this is actually happening. How are they playing chess at my house party! They’re killing the vibe!” as Chris nods in agreement, equally shocked.

 

Chewing Gum Dickhead

J-man is a prick when he is with Sare, no news there. Most of the time Sare is the butt of his jokes, and right now, J-man is probably laughing at the fact that I just called her a “butt”. 

After getting settled with the gang, he produces a pack of chewing gum. No one know's where from, but he does. He opens the pack and pops one into his mouth, as you do. “Want one?” he offers the person to his left, and then to the next, and then to the next. By the time he gets to Sare there are only 2 bits of gum left. “Here you go, Sare.” he says handing her the pack. “Oh gee, thanks.” She's sarcastic. No one knows why.

“Err Jamie,” Chris pries, “Was that Sare's packet of gum you just offered us?” J-man chuckles “Yeah.” “That was unnecessary.”

J-man chuckles “Yeah.”

What a dickhead!

Chyna Porn Dickhead

 

With no official DJ hired for the house party, music was provided via anyone with a phone with access to the internet and that little auxiliary wire that connects your phone to speakers. Naturally requests were coming from all over the room and from various phones. People were using their own phones and people were using other peoples phones. Phones were left vulnerable and not a single frape was made (These dickheads deserve a medal)... but a discovery was. 

As one song was coming to a close on a phone not belonging to Aks, he picks up the phone to find it unlocked and ready for a song change. Whether it had been up on the screen already, or if Aks was in fact attempting to frape said phone or indeed had to actually make the effort to scroll through

it's browsing history to find what he found and would thus make him a dickhead, is irrelevant information. 

“Eurgh!!! Everyone look at this!” Aks exclaims whilst parading the phone about. “Who's phone is this? Who's Chyna? Why are you looking at Porn?” “Oi, that's my phone! What you doing?” demands Rich. With no music blaring, the conversation is had and heard by everyone.

“What's Chyna porn?” Aks asks again.

“Aww, I bet my brother's been through my phone again. Ash, why were you looking at porn on my phone?” He shouts up the stairs, probably inviting unwanted attention. “Rich, who d'you think you're fooling? We all know it was you.”

“Yeah whatever, I was looking at Chyna porn.” He surrenders... instantly.

“Whatever man. Don't look at porn and keep on your phone and then have your phone out at your own house party. That's a dickhead move.” The party warn him, “And watch regular porn, this shit is grim.”

 The picture above. That's Chyna. I know, right? Dickhead!

Boobgrab Dickhead!
 

J-man is a prick when he is with Sar, no news there... 

This one time, right out of the blue, he squeezed her boob whilst simultaneously squeaking...

“Boobgrab!”

...which might have been ok if, when, you're um... Nope. I'm not sure that's ever ok. Dickhead. 

The "I Need Bed" Dickhead

 

If there was a party that the Dickhead Gang could NOT have missed this year, it would have been this one. This wasn't just a friday. This was “Con's 21^st Bday Halloween Special Piff Friday”. A lot of effort had been put into this party and it was all paying off. Halloween decorations adorned the house lit only by UV strobe lighting that lit up glow in the dark stuff. Boys were jamming, Girls were dancing,. It was going down.

Then it hit him. Chris got so waved he had his head in his hands and was contemplating life in the most pitiful of stances. “Nah man,” he says “I need a bed, man” He gets up and shoots off to the nearest bed just as the party was warming up.
To which Cons says “Chris, you just got nominated for Dickhead of the Year.” To which Deeby and Rich think “You know what? Yeah. Chris just got himself nominated...”
By the very Birthday boy host of the very special night... That Chris missed.

Dickhead.

Who d'you think should win this month? Drop a comment below.

Dickhead out.