10 Reasons YOU'RE the Dickhead on a Night Out

If you've gone on as many nights out as The Dickhead Gang, then no doubt you've come across some proper Dickheads and if you're not sure that you have, then the truth is that Dickhead is probably YOU. And if you're not sure why... carry on reading.

Dickhead Stock Photo

 1. You don't drink

Are you dumb? Why ain't you drinking, though? Is it 'cos you're better than everybody else? Are you a lightweight? Are you worried you might do or say something dumb? You realise that so will everyone else, right? Don't be a dickhead! Here, have a beer.

2. You drink too much

For real. Take it easy. You threw up in the cab on the way here, we almost didn't make it into the club, your dance moves are getting embarrassing, the bar-girl didn't need to know you just lost your virginity last night and now you're getting angry... and no-one likes an angry drunk.

3. You challenge the toilet guy to a rap battle

You say “No spray. No lay.”

He says “No Armani. No Punani.”

You say “Wash your fingers for the mingers”

He says “No Splash. No Gash”

You say “No cologne. Go home alone”

He says “No Davidoff. No Sucki-off”

Mate. Stop it. I need a piss, you're in my way and you look like twats.

4. You scream for no reason.

Let's take a shot “WOOOO!!”

That boy is cute “WOOOO!!”

I love this song “WOOOO!!”

Disco ball “WOOOO!!”

I can't hear you “WOOOO!”
I lost you in the club for about three minutes but now we're re-united again “WOOOO!!”

5. You're a terrible wingman/wingwoman

All you had to do was keep his friend occupied, or buy her a drink, or laugh at a couple of his jokes, or tell her she had nice shoes. What you really shouldn't have done was tell your mates crush that they got a better chance of getting Obama on the phone... and you really should have left when it was just the three of you.

The Ultimate Dickheads

6. You're trying to get laid

You reek of desperation, you stand in the corner, sipping your cocktail, scanning the room, hunting the lonely looking ones and sometimes do this. Or you're sitting with your girls pretending to have a good time, praying that that low cut top and high cut skirt combo grabs some cute boy's attention and then you pray that he's not a creep when he says hi... and then you mess it up just like he messed it up 'cos you're both looking to bang instead of enjoying your night. And it's pissing your mates off.

7. You're trying NOT to get laid
When your mates say “I dare you to tell that girl she's hot” Just go do it. Play Tell Her. What's the worst could happen? Oh shit, you're right, that COULD happen. Well, that's all the more reason to do it. Banter, mate. Banter.

8. You're always looking for a fight

So what if he looked at your boobs, take it as a compliment. Yes, I bumped into you. It was an accident. Sue me! Oh my gosh, I spilt the teeniest bit of your drink, no way am I buying you another one. And now you and your mates all got chucked out. Well done, Dickhead.

9. You're always avoiding a fight

For real, the Bar-man served you a red-bull, you asked for a beer. She just knocked your drink off the table; it was full. He just squeezed your girlfriends arse... whilst looking at you dead in the eye... after he watched you make out with her.
Getting into fights can be stupid, I know... but there's a line, mate.

10. You're hanging out with... The Dickhead Gang
You're hanging out with a bunch of dicks that do things like... Rave everynight of the week. Elbow girls in the head. Set off the fire alarm. Get so hype the bouncer tells you to calm down. Get so hype they put on TV. Cockblock. Pull a girl then make out with her friend. Give a girl your number, make out with her and take a picture of it using HER phone...
The list goes on.

Dickhead out.

May Dickhead

Has May gone already?
Bugger me, it was an eventful month.
Five Dickhead nominations in all.
Read on then, init!

Attention Dickhead

Chris is on a night out, as usual. He spots a Pretty Young Thing (PYT) and her mate at the bar. Problem is, before he gets her attention some other dude already has and now he's surrounded by the PYT's group of friends.

“Allow it,” he thinks to himself. “No point complaining. Hi, I'm Chris.” He introduces himself to the PYT's friend. She's not butters, she's just not the PYT.

“I bet she gets a lot of attention” Chris comments. “Yeah, she does.” Says PYT sadly, clearly jealous of her friend, although happy to finally be getting some attention. Chris sympathises with her and carries on the conversation as she strokes his arm, plays with her hair and pouts; Sex oozing out of her every pore.

5 mins later Chris has disregarded her and is making out with the PYT.
Well done. Dickhead.

Phone Bill Dickhead

Deeby is explaining to Rich how much of a ting Chris has for asian girls. Who can blame him? We grew up in Tower Hamlets. To hammer his point home Deeby shows Rich a series of pictures all including Chris in a friendly pose with a Pretty Asian Thing (PAT).
“Ooh, that one's nice.” Rich says “Is he actually doing a ting with that girl?”

“Yeah alright!” Deeby argues “Don't act like you'll actually do something about it.”

“Nah man, I will.” Rich exclaims. He texts Chris and asks for her number.

“Lol” Chris replies, confident that this wont get anywhere. He sends him her number.

A week passes.
“You text her yet?” Ask's Chris.

“Nah man, I ain't got credit.” Say's Rich.

“Then, how are you texting me right now?”

Classic Rich.

Tinder Dickhead 

After getting battered at a game of Fifa, Rich asks Deeby. “Mate you heard of Tinder?” to which Deeby thinks to himself “He's not gone and downloaded Tinder, has he?”
Only he has. 'Cos put simply, he's more desperate than a fat kid at the back of the lunch que.

“I've not heard about it,” Deeby lies, “let's have a look.” Rich hands Deeby his phone.
“So what do you do?” Deeby asks. Rich spends the next 5 minutes pacing up and down the room explaining the app, it's uses and it's wondorous features, all without realising that Deeby hasn't bothered looking at a single profile but has, with a crazy trigger finger, pressed the “tick” button on dozens of profiles.

Deeby reckons he did Rich a favour. Rich reckons Deeby's a Dickhead.

Ibiza Dickhead

 

Chris, Bradley, Pao and some of their mates decide to go to Ibiza this summer, because why the fuck not? They plan months in advance, trying to get as many people on it as possible, 'cos the more the merrier... also the cheaper the accommodation!

Pao invites several of his uni friends, including some asian girls who humour the idea of going but each of them flop and each of them have terrible excuses.

• Asian girl #1 agrees to go with no issues but drops out last minute because she has no money

• Asian girl #2 will only go if Asian girl #3 goes

• Asian girl #3 says the same in reverse…..

These May or May not be said Asian Girls

Chris, Bradley and Pao give up on the idea of the asian girls ever coming and plan the holiday without them.

Months later when everything is pretty much finalised, including payments, Pao informs Chris and Bradley that the asian girls have decided to go to Ibiza….. but not with them!

“Wait, at the same time as us?” Chris asks

“Surely not. That would be the ultimate par” exclaims Bradley.

Turns out they ARE going at the same time, but just leaving one day earlier. Chris, Pao, Bradley and everyone else paid extra for accommodation for nothing!

“Absolute Dickheads!” Bradley responds when the par is confirmed.

3 Months in a row Dickhead 

Chris has OFFICIALLY become the first Dickhead to be nominated for 3 months in a row.
That in itself deserves a Dickhead nomination.
'Cos he's a Dickhead... Dickhead.

Who d'you think oughta win this month?