10 Reasons YOU'RE the Dickhead on a Night Out

If you've gone on as many nights out as The Dickhead Gang, then no doubt you've come across some proper Dickheads and if you're not sure that you have, then the truth is that Dickhead is probably YOU. And if you're not sure why... carry on reading.

Dickhead Stock Photo

 1. You don't drink

Are you dumb? Why ain't you drinking, though? Is it 'cos you're better than everybody else? Are you a lightweight? Are you worried you might do or say something dumb? You realise that so will everyone else, right? Don't be a dickhead! Here, have a beer.

2. You drink too much

For real. Take it easy. You threw up in the cab on the way here, we almost didn't make it into the club, your dance moves are getting embarrassing, the bar-girl didn't need to know you just lost your virginity last night and now you're getting angry... and no-one likes an angry drunk.

3. You challenge the toilet guy to a rap battle

You say “No spray. No lay.”

He says “No Armani. No Punani.”

You say “Wash your fingers for the mingers”

He says “No Splash. No Gash”

You say “No cologne. Go home alone”

He says “No Davidoff. No Sucki-off”

Mate. Stop it. I need a piss, you're in my way and you look like twats.

4. You scream for no reason.

Let's take a shot “WOOOO!!”

That boy is cute “WOOOO!!”

I love this song “WOOOO!!”

Disco ball “WOOOO!!”

I can't hear you “WOOOO!”
I lost you in the club for about three minutes but now we're re-united again “WOOOO!!”

5. You're a terrible wingman/wingwoman

All you had to do was keep his friend occupied, or buy her a drink, or laugh at a couple of his jokes, or tell her she had nice shoes. What you really shouldn't have done was tell your mates crush that they got a better chance of getting Obama on the phone... and you really should have left when it was just the three of you.

The Ultimate Dickheads

6. You're trying to get laid

You reek of desperation, you stand in the corner, sipping your cocktail, scanning the room, hunting the lonely looking ones and sometimes do this. Or you're sitting with your girls pretending to have a good time, praying that that low cut top and high cut skirt combo grabs some cute boy's attention and then you pray that he's not a creep when he says hi... and then you mess it up just like he messed it up 'cos you're both looking to bang instead of enjoying your night. And it's pissing your mates off.

7. You're trying NOT to get laid
When your mates say “I dare you to tell that girl she's hot” Just go do it. Play Tell Her. What's the worst could happen? Oh shit, you're right, that COULD happen. Well, that's all the more reason to do it. Banter, mate. Banter.

8. You're always looking for a fight

So what if he looked at your boobs, take it as a compliment. Yes, I bumped into you. It was an accident. Sue me! Oh my gosh, I spilt the teeniest bit of your drink, no way am I buying you another one. And now you and your mates all got chucked out. Well done, Dickhead.

9. You're always avoiding a fight

For real, the Bar-man served you a red-bull, you asked for a beer. She just knocked your drink off the table; it was full. He just squeezed your girlfriends arse... whilst looking at you dead in the eye... after he watched you make out with her.
Getting into fights can be stupid, I know... but there's a line, mate.

10. You're hanging out with... The Dickhead Gang
You're hanging out with a bunch of dicks that do things like... Rave everynight of the week. Elbow girls in the head. Set off the fire alarm. Get so hype the bouncer tells you to calm down. Get so hype they put on TV. Cockblock. Pull a girl then make out with her friend. Give a girl your number, make out with her and take a picture of it using HER phone...
The list goes on.

Dickhead out.