Dickhead Anecdote #3 :: Spilling Drinks

So Chris and Aks are on a night out in central, going H.A.M. to Jay-z songs as you do.
Some drunk guy notices this and starts talking to them, saying he had only just turned 18 and he hadn't been clubbing much.
Most people might have told him to go away, but Chris and Aks are drunk and social dickheads.
After they said they were in final year of Uni and had been doing this for three years he was amazed.
"What a weird kid" they thought.
Then he asked them how to talk to girls. Again, most people would have told him to go away. Not Chris and Aks.

"Challenge accepted" they thought as they walked over to a table with two girls.
Chris sat down and just as he opened his mouth to talk... it happened.
Aks attempts to sit down. Either due to clumsiness or drunkeness, he bumps the table and spills both girl's drinks.
Disaster! Even the kid who asked them how to talk to girls had disappeared.
There's no coming back from this one.

"Crying over spilt milk? No. Get the pussy a drink!"

...BUT THERE IS.
"I'll buy you new ones" Aks says, leaving Chris with the girls.

Somehow it actually started to go well. They didn't seem pissed, probably due to Aks' promise. The conversation was going well.
Being the dickhead he is, Chris was at that point, deciding which of them he'd move to and which Aks could take.
Little did Chris know what was about to happen!

At the bar, Aks asks how much the drinks are.
"What?!" Aks says after hearing the price. "Nah it's ok" he says after the bartender repeats the price of the over-expensive drinks.
This is probably where we should mention, Chris' phone had died earlier that night. iPhone battery life is not the one!
Anyway, wanting to avoid an awkward situation Aks texts Chris these exact words...
 

"Allow the drink prices, let's go".

Of course, Chris has no way of receiving this text.
After about 20 minutes of waiting around Aks comes to his senses and walks over to the table. Confidently (and probably not even sorry), he says...

"I don't have any money...."

Aks doesn't have any money.

The girls look pissed. All potential chance of getting with them is gone. Immediately Chris stands and leaves. Aks follows swiftly.
Neither look back... because, well, there's no coming back from this one.

Well done Aks!

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #2 :: Are you gonna bang doe?

Night out. 3rd night in a row.
Why? 'Cos you're a dickhead.
Let's not lie to ourselves, regular human beings don't do that.

By the third night, you'd wanna try and make things a bit more interesting for yourself, right? What do you do? Invite more friends out? Take a girly home for the night? Party all night and watch the sun rise?

Not if you're Deeby or Chris.

Chris: Let's go to the smoking area.
Deeby: Why? We don't smoke.
Chris: We could start our own Anti-Smoking Campaign.
Deeby: Yeah, that's a good idea.

Think you look sexy?... No. Lung cancer.

Without the thumping music it seems that everyone can hear each other a little clearer. Chris overhears a couple arguing over something minuscule.  The saint that he is, he decides to defuse the situation...

Chris: Listen yeah!! You ain't gonna bang her. She ain't gonna bang you. You ain't gonna bang him and he ain't gonna bang you.

They stare at him, stumped. Chris continues...

Chris: Are you gonna bang, though?!

The couple look at their company, seething. They walk in opposite directions.

MEANWHILE...

A young lad approaches Deeby.

Young Lad: Excuse me, mate. You a got a lighter for me fag?

Deeby looks at the young lad and shakes his head disapprovingly.

Deeby: Nah man, smoking's bad for you. You shouldn't smoke.

Dickheads.

Dickhead out.

Dickhead Anecdote #1

On a night out Chris see's a girl wearing a French Beret.

He walks across the room and says to her...

“Are you French or a hipster?”

She replies,

“I'm Lebanese”

Chris say's...

“Oh.”

...And walks away.

Reminiscing the awkward event later on, Chris talks of his experience saying...

“I literally had nothing to say to her unless she was French or a Hipster.

The Lebanese thing was so unexpected that I just walked off.”

Well done, Chris.

Dickhead out.