Is it August already?
Alright then.
Here's a couple of things that happened in July.
Alright then.
Here's a couple of things that happened in July.
Lost
in Dam Dickhead
So it's the first night of the Dickhead's Annual Adventure's in Amsterdam. With Chris being a Cut Out and Rich Cutting out (Yes, there's a difference) it was up to Cons, Deeby, Kai, Adam and The Instigator to turn shit up.
Straight off the plane and into a coffee shop. Hostel was booked in advance, no need to rush (Unlike the 10pm curfew set by that prick Erika from AirBnB. That story's here). Navigating yourself through a major city in a different country shouldn't be met with so much confidence, especially when said country has legalised substances such as psilocybin and you're the dickhead munching 'em like Nik-Naks.
Deeby's been here twice before, “It's no biggie” he thinks to himself but they've circled the Ajax Stadium three times now. Still lugging about their luggage and staring at the screenshot off of google maps on an iPad at one in the morning... some might say these tourists were vulnerable.
Zoot in the mouth, couple shots in the liver, nobody know's which way is up... Deeby would say these tourists were invincible.
“THIS
WAY!” Deeby commands.
So it's the first night of the Dickhead's Annual Adventure's in Amsterdam. With Chris being a Cut Out and Rich Cutting out (Yes, there's a difference) it was up to Cons, Deeby, Kai, Adam and The Instigator to turn shit up.
Straight off the plane and into a coffee shop. Hostel was booked in advance, no need to rush (Unlike the 10pm curfew set by that prick Erika from AirBnB. That story's here). Navigating yourself through a major city in a different country shouldn't be met with so much confidence, especially when said country has legalised substances such as psilocybin and you're the dickhead munching 'em like Nik-Naks.
Deeby's been here twice before, “It's no biggie” he thinks to himself but they've circled the Ajax Stadium three times now. Still lugging about their luggage and staring at the screenshot off of google maps on an iPad at one in the morning... some might say these tourists were vulnerable.
Zoot in the mouth, couple shots in the liver, nobody know's which way is up... Deeby would say these tourists were invincible.
 |
| No. Really. These guys were lost. |
“Nope,
we've been following your directions for an hour. I'm done.” The
Instigator had enough.
“Correction,
that friendly driver's directions.”
“Not being funny, but he's banged up Peugeot was missing a head light, it smelt like it had a dead body in the back and the guy tried reaching for Adam's iPad.”
Adam snatched his iPad back rapid.
15 minutes later, checked in and cosy. Deeby's penny dropped.
“Not being funny, but he's banged up Peugeot was missing a head light, it smelt like it had a dead body in the back and the guy tried reaching for Adam's iPad.”
Adam snatched his iPad back rapid.
15 minutes later, checked in and cosy. Deeby's penny dropped.
“I
just realised, that dickhead in the car pointed us in the wrong
direction.”
“I
just realised,” Adam retorted, “You're probably gonna get
nominated.”
He
weren't wrong.
Deeby's
Dickhead Statement
Beer in the park kinda day. The gang are out and about. Brick Lane to Bethnal Green, Bethnal Green to Vicky Park. They chat shit, smack talk and make too many not so politically correct jokes. Also Deeby was giving people wet willies that day. Sneaking up behind Cons, he charges at the unsuspecting victim with a lionesses prowess. Ready... Set... ATTACK!!
But Cons was ready. He ducks for dear life and swipes away Deeby's arm with Tai Chi finesse!
“Allow it, Deeby! Why are you always trying to give someone a wet willy? I bet that's what you like to do. I bet that's what gets you off in your fantasies. You walk about town getting orgasms from sticking your wet fingers in their ears. I bet you stick your finger up your arse hole first n'all.”
Quite
proud of himself, Cons decided to repeat that last line once or twice
more.
“Yeah.. haha. You stick your finger up, find your g spot, give it wriggle, then stick your finger in your mouth AND THEN stick your finger in their ear. You're grim man.”
Ok maybe four or five more times. Who'd have known... Deeby flipped out!
“YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I DO. I STICK MY FINGER UP MY ARSE, THEN I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, THEN I STICK IT IN YOUR EARS!!”
Beer in the park kinda day. The gang are out and about. Brick Lane to Bethnal Green, Bethnal Green to Vicky Park. They chat shit, smack talk and make too many not so politically correct jokes. Also Deeby was giving people wet willies that day. Sneaking up behind Cons, he charges at the unsuspecting victim with a lionesses prowess. Ready... Set... ATTACK!!
But Cons was ready. He ducks for dear life and swipes away Deeby's arm with Tai Chi finesse!
“Allow it, Deeby! Why are you always trying to give someone a wet willy? I bet that's what you like to do. I bet that's what gets you off in your fantasies. You walk about town getting orgasms from sticking your wet fingers in their ears. I bet you stick your finger up your arse hole first n'all.”
“Yeah.. haha. You stick your finger up, find your g spot, give it wriggle, then stick your finger in your mouth AND THEN stick your finger in their ear. You're grim man.”
Ok maybe four or five more times. Who'd have known... Deeby flipped out!
“YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I DO. I STICK MY FINGER UP MY ARSE, THEN I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, THEN I STICK IT IN YOUR EARS!!”
Besides
the fact that that was such a dickhead statement to make. To scream
it out in anger so that people up in Mare St could hear ya was beyond
the dickhead decibel count. You're getting Nominated.
Cons Dickhead Statement
After the madness that ensued over Deeby's last statement had diffused, Cons decided to put a full stop to the situation with this one sentence.
“Deeby would stick shit into a jap's eye.”
What? Kmt. Dickhead.
Grad Party Dickhead
New Dickhead to tell ya about today.
Technically not a member of the Dickhead Gang, she's hung out with the crew enough times to warrant a nomination if deserved and well, here's her story.
Gronz just graduated. “Well done and all that,” Chris began, “When's the grad party?”
She
wasn't really planning on throwing a party but dickhead's know how to
peer pressure.
“Fuck me, I've gotta throw a party now.” She thinks to herself in an irish accent; She's Irish. “Nah, I'd rather go out.”
The pre-drinks at was at her place then. The kitchen and living room were packed, bowl of punch on the table, is that a cake? She's done this before. Or so she would have us believe.
“Fuck me, I've gotta throw a party now.” She thinks to herself in an irish accent; She's Irish. “Nah, I'd rather go out.”
The pre-drinks at was at her place then. The kitchen and living room were packed, bowl of punch on the table, is that a cake? She's done this before. Or so she would have us believe.
“Chocolate?”
asked Chris.
“What?” Gronz was baffed.
“The Cake.”
“Oh,” Gronz nudged nudged and winked winked. “That's a 'special' cake!”
“Yep.” “Send me some of that.” “And me!” … The gang grab a slice each. Only one, though. They were gonna go out, remember? Gronz was thinking differently, though.
“I've had a couple of slices but I cant feel anything.” she admitted.
“Oh no, don't do that.” Chris says with very little urgency as she scoffs down three more slices.
“What?” Gronz was baffed.
“The Cake.”
“Oh,” Gronz nudged nudged and winked winked. “That's a 'special' cake!”
“Yep.” “Send me some of that.” “And me!” … The gang grab a slice each. Only one, though. They were gonna go out, remember? Gronz was thinking differently, though.
“I've had a couple of slices but I cant feel anything.” she admitted.
“Oh no, don't do that.” Chris says with very little urgency as she scoffs down three more slices.
The
night out was incredible. Mans got wasted. Girls got pulled. Girls
got wasted. Mans was fooled. They laughed. They drank. They were
merry.
Well, I say “they”. Not Gronz. Them five slices hit her in five minutes and she was out for five hours.
It was HER bloody graduation party n'all and now she's just graduated into Dickhead of the Year.
The Dickhead.
Who d'you think wins this month?
Well, I say “they”. Not Gronz. Them five slices hit her in five minutes and she was out for five hours.
It was HER bloody graduation party n'all and now she's just graduated into Dickhead of the Year.
The Dickhead.
Who d'you think wins this month?
